A couple of days ago I wrote a weblog called
Question: Family and Ministry. Today I stood baking in my kitchen on this lovely fall day, and I believe the Lord may have given me an answer to my musings. I have been one of those Christians who has often found my identity in what I do, rather than who I am in the Lord. I think some of it probably stems from what I perceive to be my spiritual failures.
The Lord showed me today that in the past I have behaved like Martha. Essentially there is nothing wrong with the work that I have done in the church, it has all be good and worthy for the sake of the gospel. But often my motives for doing it have been the result of deep rooted spiritual and emotional insecurity.
As a SAHM I have often felt like I have struggled to be seen as worthy. I know this is foolishness really, but it is how I have felt. Anywhere you go people ask you what you do for work. When you say SAHM the conversation is often cut short. Maybe this is just my own insecure perception of the event, but it is one that has stuck with me the past 15 years. So often even though I stay at home, I have thrown myself helter skelter into some kind of ministry. I realize now that often my motives for doing this is so that I feel a sense of worth when I can list all my other accomplishments 'other' than staying at home with children.
I realized this morning that my guilt at saying no to the youth leader, is not so much guilt but a reaction deep down in my soul about how 'worthy I am'.
See I am struggling in this new situation. I have had all kinds of things going on in the background of my life that have probably caused me to be a little stand offish with people and not throw myself into church life relationally. I don't know about you, but when you have a heap of emotional stuff going on in your life it can be a hard time to make new friends, but is probably the time you need them most. In saying that, I have not really found anyone here has really wanted to connect in a real way, that would create the kind of frienship that would allow me to share how I am feeling and struggling. So I find myself in a catch 22.
My natural inclination is to throw myself into some kind of ministry and put myself out there, to busy myself with activity, so that I am seen to be a worth while member of the church community- and then people may actually want to know me and spend time with me.
But right now I know this would but incredible amounts of stress on my family and give me a very false sense of security, once again built on what I do, not who I am.
Have there ever been times in your life you have felt that you have been doing something good with underlying motives?
Comments (4)
Yes. I squandered a great opportunity because I was expecting something in return. I was expecting respect. I was expecting help. I was expecting to get better doing something that my personal situation did not allow. Time, to do a job right.
Then It was all to clear. I could do the job as long as I made everybody happy that wasn't willing to work under me but desired the job done right.
I was willing to do the job but I needed my ego stroked in return. I think when we do ministry we need to rip ego right out of oursleves. Serve God with true humility. And put family ahead of other families. In the long run I have had to suffer the pain of the results of children who really need me as their daddy instead of being all things to all people.
True ministry to others starts with true ministery to our families. Then the cup runneth over.
I know how you feel, I have a really hard time making friends in real life. I've noticed that some people will drop me like a hot potato if I'm not willing to be as active as they think I should be. And even though that hurts, it's ok. Those aren't the kind of friends we are looking for anyway. So they are weeding themselves out for us.
I'll be praying for you.
Don't give in! If they only want to get to know you because of working with this or that, then it's like you said they are only wanting to get to know the person in that position and not you. It would be different if you felt God was leading you to do this.
There have been times when I volunteered for something at church, taken on a project, thinking I was "serving the Lord" and doing a good ministry by giving back to the church, and as I got into it, I found that I was totally on my own, not helped at all, underappreciated (not that any of that really mattered, but it made me wonder, am I making a difference or not?) and most of all, MY CHILDREN were suffering, my family life was suffereing, as a result of my being "overinvolved" in this or that. I don't have five children like you do, but I have three, and no father, and have been a SAHM for years, by choice - until recently, when finances dictated that I MUST go to work, unfortunately. They still need me here at home, I feel I am doing them a disservice by working, mostly, and I really hesitate to volunteer for anything BIG (full-time study leader, sunday school teacher, praise band member, youth leader, etc) because I know that it will take valuable time away from my family and will hurt us in the long run. They are my ministry right now - God gave them to me, and apparently, ONLY to me, to raise, and I have to do what I can for them. Time crunch can really hurt a family. "To everything there is a season..." and I'd like to do missionary work....but later.
@bubbadirt@xanga - ouch.... it sounds like you have truly walked this path before as well.
@FairyBunnyPrincess@xanga - thanks... yes I feel no leading whatsoever. I would appreciate any prayers, and I will pray for you/guys also.
@musicmom60@xanga - Oh honey I think yours is by far the biggest burden. 5 kids are 5 kids but at the end of the day daddy is still around (well mostly lol when he's not at work) but he is still a presence! I think you are one of the most remarkable women I know.