by
miss hibiscus 
I'm not sure if it's my biological clock, or the barrage of wedding invitations I've received, or just the general flow of life, but I have got marriage on the brain, folks! As per
my last post, I'm finally in a state of mind where I think marriage looks challenging and difficult, yet rewarding, satisfying, and encouraging. I think it's a good place to be for me.
I'm proud of myself and thankful to God for bringing me to this new state of mind and I think it's a sign of maturity for myself, yet also an acceptance of the reality of marriage and growing up in general. However, I read this article called, "
The Cost of Delaying Marriage." and I'm wondering if it would have been better to have these revelations several years ago? The writer discusses how many 21st century women are putting off marriage/children more and more in favor of retaining their complete independence, furthering their education, and advancing their careers. Later, they find themselves alone, dissatisfied, and in serious want of what other women around them have - busy households with a husband, children, and all the insanity that comes with having a family.
She's not saying that women should throw themselves at the first nice man to cross their paths, but that maybe holding out on marriage for so long really isn't doing us much good - even if we are doing other great things like getting Masters and PhDs, securing our careers and finances, etc. Her main point really is that women should seriously considering dating and marriage at an earlier age to be fulfilled and not find ourselves pining in frustration for a husband and children in our 30s when our options may be more limited.
Here's a blip of the article that struck me:
By spending years and years living entirely for yourself, thinking only about yourself, and having responsibility to no one but yourself, you end up inadvertently extending the introverted existence of a teenager deep into middle age. The woman who avoids permanent commitment because she fears it will stunt her development as an individual may be surprised to realize in her 30s that having essentially the same life as she did at 18 – the same dating problems, the same solitary habits, the same anxieties about her future, and the same sense that her life has not yet fully begun – is stunting too.
As you may have guessed, there were a lot of visceral reactions to the article. So someone actually wrote a
Defense as well. I suggest reading both because I am curious to know what you think.
I know this sounds like something that belongs on
Datingish instead, but these articles are written from the Christian perspective. And it's very relevant since we Christian women are living in a world that tells us to date around, not settle, and find fulfillment in one's career and sex life, while the Bible calls us to be a helper, obey our husbands, and overall just be married (unless we have the gift of celibacy).
So how do we reconcile these two opposing cultures?
Comments (66)
I don't worry about the timing issue at all (well, maybe extremely occasionally)
If God has my life planned and I am open to His will, I will get married when I am supposed to. It's not my decision when; it's His. I do think I should be open to whatever He wants.
My parents got married at 29 (mom) and 30 (dad). They both had master's degrees and careers (my mom stayed home when my sister was born and didn't work a regular job until I was an older teen). I am so glad my parents were older when I was born. I can't even express how much. I saw my friends' parents make mistakes because they were so young that they were still kids themselves. It's not that I think my parents were perfect, but they were mature as people and in their Christian faith.
The bottom line for me is that God knows when each of us is ready for marriage. If we let Him decide, we can't go wrong,
I'm not sure miss hibiscus and I have entirely the same idea of what Christian marriage entails, but I appreciate the questions raised by the post.
At this point, I don't have an active desire to get married, and I believe God's will for me may be to stay single. If God wants me married, though, I know He will tell me when. I want to do many things before I settle down (like my mom did), and I want to have a career of some kind. If I do marry, I'm not planning to stop having personal interests or individuality. I wouldn't marry someone who wanted me to be exclusively domestic (not to say I won't stay home with my children if I have them, just that I will have something going on on the side). I know lots of women who want to live totally for domestic life, which is beautiful, but not me, and I don't believe I'm called to it.
I also want to say that life with God is never stunted. no matter whether you are married or not. If you're doing what you're meant to do, you will mature in Him. Marriage is helpful if it's where you're supposed to be and hurtful if it isn't.
I don't think the Bible says a woman has to be married by a certain age. And since dating around wasn't really part of the culture back then, the Bible doesn't say much about that, either. I don't think the Bible says anyone has to get married, it just says what to do if you do get married.
I'm 25, unmarried, and I don't see why I should think that's a problem. My mother, a good Christian woman, got married at 31. She still had 3 children. She's still a good Christian. She just didn't go by anyone's timetable and got married when she found the right man.
I have no problem with waiting a few more years until I get married. I don't care if I never get married. I am more interested in writing music right now and going on tour. Does that mean I'm selfish? I don't think so. It just means I'm different. I care about other people and I volunteer. You don't have to have a husband and children to make a positive difference in the world. It's better to be unmarried and happy than unhappily married to the wrong person. I'll think about getting married when I find someone I'd like to marry, whether I'm 26, 36, or 46 when it happens. I'm not going to get married just because someone tells me I should. But until then, I will enjoy my life as a single woman. I don't feel like I'm missing out on life because I don't have a husband.
What I didn't like about the article was that it said nothing about whether or not men should get married, just women. If women are so negatively affected by singleness, surely men must be too.
Marriage doesn't have to be a loss of independence. I'm married, but I still draw and write poetry. I still go to college and I hope to ebcoem an art therapist. I even pay my car payments and tuition out of my own pocket, not my husband's. But I still do laundry and cook and clean and grocery shop and all that. Granted, there are no kids in the picture (just a puppy right now!) and hopefully there won't be for another year or so, but hey! I'm only 20 right now, so there's plenty of time for kids.
This arrangement of wife and student works for me. But nobody should generalize about the entire female population. (and I'm not saying you are! It sounds like the author of that article is!) I would dare say that not all women are cut out for wifehood or motherhood. And to tell women that their purpose is to be a wife and mother, well, that would mean a great loss for the world! Imagine if every woman dropped what she was doing so she could married right away! Think of all the nurses and teachers we would lose!
I think that there are many women who can be perfectly fulfilled in the wife/mother role. But not all women will be, just like not all men can be cut out for the husband/father role. Women should be certain of their calling before they get married just because some people say it's the only proper thing for a woman to do.
Also, in the "defense" article, it pretty much said that couples without children are disobedient. I hope they took into consideration that some couples are infirtile and therefore incapable of having children? And again, you can't generalize. I know in my heart that I am nowhere near ready to be a mom at this point. Some people may never feel ready. We shouldn't be telling all married couples to get busy so they can have as many kids as possible. Who are we to judge and tell married couples how many children they should or should not have?
It's totally about the heart-attitude and the motivation behind such decisions. If you marry because you are insecure without a spouse, you've got a selfish motivation. If you remain single because you're afraid of being hurt or disillusioned in a long-term relationship, you've got a selfish motivation. If you wait to get married just to spite your mom, selfish motive. If you jump the gun and get married in three months before your sophomore year in college just to spite your mom, selfish motive.
See my point? Do what God puts on your heart in service and in a life of worship to Him.
~V.
I think setting a goal as to when to get married really limits you. If you plan to be married by the age of 20, you might become desperate at 22. If you want to wait til 30, you may end up passing up someone who you later realize is the one you really wanted to be with. My wife wanted a degree, a career, and planned on working full time after she had children. Our son's been here 5 weeks, and she already detests the idea of even returning to her part time job. There are maternal instincts in women for a reason, and there's also medical evidence that the longer you wait to have children, the more likely it is they will be deformed in some way. Most people feel a need for companionship. I don't think it's demeaning of women to say that many desire to be SAHMs, or feel empty without a husband and children. Even a lot of those career-oriented women are trying to secure their future so that they can become SAHMs later on.
I'm not saying the woman's place is in the home, but I know that the majority of women still want to be in the home, whether they're required to be or not.
@TheMarriedFreshman@xanga - I'm with you.
how to reconcile these two views????
you don't... the Word of God is the be all end all... and I don't see anywhere remotely in Scripture that states that marriage is for a certain age, heritage, or even a certain socio-economic status...
all i see in Scripture... is that God deems marriage to be His institution... that if God started it, wouldn't God see it through... that when a man finds a wife, he finds a good thing... that an excellent WIFE is far above her value in priceless jewels... on and on and on and on...
SO... I prefer to side with Scripture rather than culture... which isn't a good voice to listen to anyways...
if you're following God, you haven't a thing to worry about.
Why rely on what we know? Why not rely on what HE knows?
@shedinator@xanga - Wow, I think I was passed by when they were handing out the maternal instincts. I couldn't wait to get back to work - I was out job hunting when my son was only 3 weeks old! (But I think it's great what your wife is doing too. To each her own.)
To the rest: Anyone who goes into a marriage and thinks he/she will remain independent is in for quite a shock. This isn't a gender issue, this is a relationship issue. Male or female, if being independent is most important to you, don't get married. After all, it's perfectly okay to remain single your entire life. That doesn't mean something is wrong with you, it simply means marriage isn't for you.
But for those of you who would rather be married at some point in your life, do understand that loosing your independence is not the same as loosing your individuality. You will become dependent upon your partner for some things after you are bound together, be it shared financial responsibility, shared chores, or simply making sure your partner knows what time you will be home. But that doesn't require you to sacrifice any part of yourself that you do not wish to sacrifice. (If it does, you are in an abusive relationship.)
One more thing: if you aren't happy now, don't think being married will change that. Nobody is responsible for your own happiness but yourself. The only reason you should be marrying for happiness is if you have so much overflowing within yourself, you need someone to share it all with.
In addition, generally the men you want to attract, namely wealthier successful men, don't want a women of that age who's basically "in training" to be a good partner. Those men are generally after younger, more attractive women because, in essence, they can afford them.
Generally, as a woman you have to make the decision: Be a career woman and prove you can be like a man or be a more traditional woman and prove you are worth the attention/effort.
Living for someone else doesn't mean giving up on your hobbies. Hobbies and goals are NOT independence. Independence is doing everything for and ability to do everything for yourself. Just because you still write, draw, or play video games after getting in a relationship doesn't mean you are independent, it simply means you have the same hobbies.
I'm single for a myriad of reasons, only one of them being I don't feel like having children or being in a relationship.
@TheMarriedFreshman@xanga - What I was thinking, but better expressed. Thanks.
Personally, I want to experience a bit of life with my boyfriend before we get married. Not to mention that getting married now would be a huge mistake financially for the both of us.
I'm 23, quite an "old maid" as far as some of my friends are considered. It doesn't bother me. I'm not mature and emotionally healthy enough to marry at this point in my life.
The children issue is moot. I'm not able to have children, and even if I was I would never have any. I'd make a terrible mother (f'serious, take my word for it) and I wouldn't want to mess up any innocent kids.
And for those who say people should have kids as soon as possible, I think that's a huge mistake. You should have kids as soon as you're FINANCIALLY secure and EMOTIONALLY ready. I know too many morons running around spawning babies who are deeply in debt and are just children themselves.
My parents waited 10 years after they got married to have children because they weren't financially stable yet. My mum had my brother when she was 39 and none of us are deformed.
ladies... really...
y'all need to stop with the whole, "I Don't think I have maternal instincts..." nonsense...
you do... it's pre-wired in you girls from the moment God formed the bones in your mother's womb... you're hard wired for maternal instincts... part of the reason us fellaz need y'all ladies in that marriage relationships... which is what makes marriage a marraige... cuz you ladies have things and quirks and stuff that us guys ABSOLUTELY must have in order for a family to work... and God-granted maternal instincts are one of those things us guys need in you ladies....
cuz sure as crap the guys don't have maternal instincts...
@bittersunday@xanga - I don't think it's very polite to say people are 'spawning' babies. Pregnancy and birth are stressful enough without people constantly coming up with strange or rude ways to refer to them. Please just say 'having children', and leave the animal comparisons out of it.
@leadworshipper82 - I respectfully disagree. Some people just aren't wired to want to be parents, and that's fine because I'm sure God realized the planet can only hold so many people. It's safe to say most women have maternal instincts. But there are some that don't. It's like saying every man likes competitive activity. Many do, but not all.
As I have said before, I follow a different religion. But I don't see evidence either in Christianity or in my religion that we're supposed to believe that God made us all to be cookie-cutter people. I take issue with the attitude that "God made all of us to want this" or "God wired us all a certain way." There's always going to be someone who doesn't feel that way and will wonder if you think God made a mistake with them.
However, having said that:
@Andrea_TheNerd@xanga -
I wouldn't say that wanting to return to work after a baby is born is a sign of lacking in maternal instincts, just that you don't want to be with your baby all the time. I can't imagine being home alone with a baby all day, either. To me, maternal instincts means wanting to care for and protect your offspring, not wanting to spend every waking minute with them.
Though I don't have much experience in relationship,
I think that's an issue about commitment.
If you have a complete agreement/static understanding with your mate before getting married, it may not be a problem.
Marriage is not an option, but a duty. How else can we respond to God's first words to man, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth."
We could sit on our collectively comfortable duff and insouciantly, blithely spout off the judgment, "But, the earth is full." (Meaning, "I would rather reserve for myself the judgment of when and just how many children I take, weighing it against many other factors, such as the consideration of just how many European vacations I will be able to afford in my retirement...")
But, that doesn't really help, not when we know that God promises to provide all we need, and that He didn't say "... Oh, yeah, and once you're done, you may stop with that."
We recently learned, with the Hubble telescope, that the universe is not in fact finite. The only reasonable response is to trust God and take His comments to be representative of his desire for us in any similar subsequent situation into which we grow as humanity. If He wants us to fill the earth, having made it for us, then he probably wants us to fill the universe, having made that for us, as well.
The alternative would be somewhat puerile, if not contravening the spirit pervading the whole Bible: "'Therefore, you must NOT, I repeat, NOT, under any circumstances proceed to expand beyond a certain limit and live off the earth, anywhere else in space.' Thus saith the Lord."
Each person will run up against limits, some temporary, others more substantial, but these are merely physical limits. Some women literally cannot produce babies, or at least not without substantial medical intervention. Some men naturally fire blanks. "What good is that in a marriage?" some ask. Baptists, my group, see a unitary function in sexuality, one which Catholics do not yet recognize. That may be worth something to some of you, to consider.
My two cents worth.
@Han_the_Roo@xanga - Please read my comment more carefully. I didn't mean that term for EVERYONE who has had children--I meant that for the people who are grossly in debt and abusive and are bringing children into dangerous and sometimes violent situations.
And to be honest, I don't care if I'm not polite to people like that. They have no right to hurt innocent children.
@Padooker@xanga - Hmm. But both Jesus AND Paul were not married. Are there no people who are called by god to remain single? Do remember the Epistles, one in which Paul says it's sometimes better for people not to marry.
@EccentricSiren@xanga - and i'l have respectfully disagree with your comment... it all started with God therefore shouldn't it end with God? which means if God was the One Who institutionalized the notion of marriage and family... it would behoove the mind to embrace the notion that He is the One Who wired men w/ differing yet need traits and the women as of like... maternal instincts compared to a male competitive activity is grossly misstated... all males are competitive... by activity you mean sports... no not all men take part in sports... as a guy, i don't do sport... but pit me in an exchange of thought and words, watch me get competitive...
but maternal instincts wired into a woman by God is far and holds far more greater value that when a man verses another male in a burping context or the like.... and I still have to assert... all women have it...
the thing is... will the women claiming to not have it embrace the understanding that they do have..
besides the desire to have kids holds more of an eternal investment because of the legacy that is left if the children are raised properly the way we believe they are to be raised in the Bible... that is... unless you believe that stuff....
@bittersunday@xanga - Jesus was not married yes... but He was engaged was He not?
Paul had the gift of celibacy... which is why he could do what he did... plus... plus suggests that all unmarried stay single to serve the Lord... but if you marry... it's not a sin... celibacy is an exception, not the rule... and from what I gather in Scripture when reading and studying this topic... marriage is just a reorganization of perspective in one's relationship with God... but even then, when taking all points of Scripture in play, it's not that hard to do either...
but apparently i'm a single 25 year male dog who has the potential to hump any living thing out there... according to my lame brain useless college leaders i have to submit to...
i'm really praying about stepping down to be away from that kind of mentality...
I'm 20 and I know I want to get married and have children. I even know the man I want to start my family with. But I'm still waiting till we both finish college and start working, because I want financial security before I get married. Plus, I want to spend several years with my boyfriend before I can be completely sure that he's the one.
I never even thought about staying single or getting married late just because I want to pursue a carrier or "find myself". I know who I am, and I know I want a family. I can still have a carrier, so why wait till I'm 30?
Not everyone is like this though. My best friend got married at the age of 21 last fall after knowing the bride for only 4 months. Now he's getting divorced. I guess it wasn't meant for him.
He still needs to find himself, so I hope he takes his time before he gets married again.
@shedinator@xanga -
Wow. There is always the possibility of a birth defect, no matter how old you are when you have a child. Those things are dependent on genetic factors that do not always have to do with age. Yes, I'm aware the process of having a child may become more difficult as women age, however thanks to the miracles of modern medicine (which I believe are truly gifts from God to physicians) it's possible to have a healthy pregnancy into your forties, particularly if you're otherwise physically healthy.
Not every woman has that strong maternal instinct. I have a very dear friend who has zero desire to be married or have children. It's what she feels she should be doing with her life, and she's happy with things just the way they are.
God gives us things in seasons, and in the season of life we're supposed to experience it. There is no set timeline, it would imply we should all have the same life experiences. I'm grateful that we're allowed to grow and do things based on what we individually need in our lives, not what society may consider the proper timetable.
There are many times I wish I would have finished my degree before my first husband and I married. But we chose to rush things, and look where it got us - divorced at 25. We married because we thought that was what we were "supposed" to do at that point in life, and everyone seemed to expect it. It was a huge mistake, although I've come to be grateful for the mistakes I've made, since they brought me where I am now. God uses everything for good if you just be open to it.
I wrote an essay on this once for my Eng 101 class in college. There are more issues that come with waiting for marriage than just retaining a teenage mindset. Say, if a woman is deeply committed to not having a child out of wedlock, there are health issues invovled with waiting. Woman over 35 have an increased risk of fertility problems, high blood pressue, diabetes, multiple pregnancy (twins or more), miscarriage, placenta previa, cesarean section, or even a baby with a genetic disorder. And woman who have their first child after age 30 have a slightly higher breast cancer risk. You can find this information on the websites www.marchofdimes.com and www.cancer.org
Think about the psycological aspects too. Children who are born with both parents married are more likely to be happy.
So that's really another thing to consider when you think about marriage, how will your opinion on marriage affect your future health and children.
I want to stay single, but I do not look down upon those who get married and have children. It's a personal choice, really.
@Kelly_O78@xanga - First off, there is still overwhelming medical evidence that a woman over the age of 35 is much more likely to have a child with Down's syndrome, as well as several other genetic disorders, even if she and her husband are in peak physical condition. Apart from that, I said most, not all, have their maternal instinct kick in at some point, and your story about getting married and divorced by 25 because you thought you were supposed to supports my statement that it's not a good idea to plan when to get married.