Thursday, August 07, 2008
-
Advice Needed: "I Don't Know If I Should Be the Godmother"
by revelife crew
We receive quite a few messages from people asking for help with certain issues, and oftentimes, we're not sure how to relate or answer the person's question - which is where you guys come in! Like we announced last week, we'll put up an advice post every Thursday, where we'll feature a reader's problem and leave it open for you guys to offer your two cents. Please feel free to message us here for advice! It can be about anything from parents, to keeping up with devotionals, to unwanted suitors, to difficulty praying without falling asleep (don't worry, we'll keep you anonymous.)
Here's a problem one of our readers sent us a few days ago. Please chime in with your insights!
I'm going to be a godmother. The baby shower for my soon-to-be "niece" is this Sunday. I'm gonna help with the gifts.But I don't want to go.
I don't really know how else to explain it but to say that the mother of the baby is not much of a friend... When I say that, I don't mean we're merely acquaintances or whanot. No. We were "best friends" back during last summer. That is if you want to claim drinking buddies as best friends. Now that we don't drink, there isn't much we have in common. Her only interests are as follows: her boyfriend, her unborn baby, and herself. She doesn't give a lick about me.
Call me silly, but I think I'm jealous of that fact. I don't have many "close" friends. Sure, I have a bunch of friends that I hang out with, but none that I could think of baring my soul to. She happened to be one of them at one point in time. Now there's nothing truly genuine between us. I don't take that sort of thing lightly...
Is it horrible that I considered going to Musikfest (a music festival near my town) rather than this baby shower?
This girl makes me feel inferior. If there's something I do that she doesn't understand at first, she makes me feel utterly stupid by giving me some sort of derogatory look or something similar. It's the subtle things that I can't quite put into words. It's the way she tries to hook me up with boys who are only looking for sex. It's the way she doesn't understand why I want to turn my life around, why I want to be single, why I won't drink anymore, or why I don't want to have sex with random boys.
Not telling her anything goes against a lot of the things I stand for in my life. She is a 19 year-old unwed mother. I'm not saying that I'm judgemental of her. After all, my mother was once a 16 year old unwed mother herself and I look up to her for being strong in that situation and being the woman she is today. But there's something about my friend's pregnancy and relationship with her boyfriend that makes me squeamish. I have this gut feeling that things just will not work out. With nearly every boyfriend this girl has had, she has said the L word within a week or two. Not to mention that she and the baby's father have not been together for long at all. It's all just... scary. I'm her friend and I don't want her to fail.
I don't know what to do. I would never dream about her giving up the baby for adoption. Yet... I don't know if she'll be able to handle it. She's a very emotionally unstable person (not as bad as me, but hey). I met her at a partial hospitalization program after all. She's had sex with a number of men and contracted HPV. She's had an abortion before at the age of 14. I think she needs more time to get her life together before bringing a new life into the world. But... it's all too late for that now.
Am I being too hard on her and the situation? Am I thinking too much about myself and my own happiness? Should I tell her about my concerns? The baby is due in a few months... Should I abdicate myself from being the godmother?
I'm completely at a loss.
Can you offer any insights or advice to this reader?
-
recommend
- recs 0
- give stars
- votes 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (11)
Nothing about what you said came across to me as selfishness. You really seemed geniunely concerned for her even though you might think you're not the right person to get involved. There's nothing wrong with that; she does sound like a handful. The godmother thing is something you should becareful though -- it may be her way of trying to pull you into her life so she can depend on you. It seems to me that she's the one being selfish; not you. This woman does seem to need that special friend in her life to steer her right, but in the end, she has to be the one responsible enough to pull herself together.
My advice? You need to have a totally real, bare it all conversation with her--and you need to be able to do it without accusing her. It sounds a lot like there's not much communication going on--maybe a lot of talking, but not much listening. She needs to know your concerns because, in my opinion, she's invited you to be part of this family by asking you to be godmother. You have a vested interest in this baby's life. That's a pretty big deal! Obviously, you don't have as much say as she herself does, but she has extended an invitation for your thoughts by asking you to look out for the life of her child.
As I said before, though, you need to be able to do this without being accusatory. If you start throwing blame around and mixing your concerns for her baby with your personal pain, there will be mixed signals and just...a mess.
Work through exactly what hurts you personally. Is it all her or is some of it you, too? Could there be a chance you are misunderstanding something? Really dig deep and figure out exactly what she does and why it hurts. Then figure out if you hurt her, and apologize for whatever you can.
Then work through exactly what your concerns are for this family. Figure out what the biggest issue is that you are willing to help her overcome--the one issue at the bottom of it all.
I find it helpful to write things down and then read them aloud. Try it. You may even decide to have her read what you write. But know that it's going to take her time to process, so I would definitely let her know you don't expect a response right away--if she gives you a knee-jerk response, remember that you just unloaded some hefty things she may not have realized were even percolating.
Lastly, if you are not willing to go the distance with this girl as a friend, you need to back out of her intimate family life. You need to graciously let her know that you "don't deserve the honor" of being godmother because you don't think you can be that committed. Something to that effect.
Sorry to sound so opinionated, but I had a friendship that was dear to me that I almost lost. It was saved because we both decided we would rather be friends than be right. We both apologized for things (even if we didn't think we'd done them on purpose) and things just kept getting better.
So I guess the big question is--is this a friendship you're willing to sacrifice for? Or are you ready to let it go? Either way, you've got an uncomfortable experience ahead. Can't get out of that.
~Victoria
My first thought is you need to talk to her about your issues. It's really hard I know but at this point you aren't in the spot it sounds like that you want to be the godmother. I would probably step away from that position asap.
As for the baby shower this weekend, it's kind of hard to back out this close if you were already to be involved without causing major issue in the friendship. But then again it kind of sounds like you are all that happy with the friendship anymore anyway, so maybe this is the time where you move away from her. Some people think if you are a friend with someone its for life, well people change and there can be a time limit to certain friendships and maybe this one has run its course. So I would look inside to see if you really want to continue the friendship at all with her and if not then you can start that moving away by having "something suddenly come up" that conflicts with the shower, then pull back from being the godparent role too.
Being a godmother is a huge responsibility. Do you know exactly what that entails? It doesn't seem as though you are ready, or willing, to handle that type of responsibility. The other option is to have an open and candid talk with her; if the two of you resolve things and you feel comfortable about being a godmother then do it; otherwise, you shouldn't. Be honest with yourself and with her. Don't do anything out of guilt or obligation because you are dealing with an innocent child. Also, consider the fact that the two of you are *not* on the same page as far as personal growth is concerned. Whether you realize it or not, it makes a huge difference as to whether the two of you will remain friends in the long-term. Good luck.
A very tough situation. It looks to me like you have important concerns, including those that are somewhat in your control (your relationship with the pregnant girl, whether to be godmother) and those that are not (the couple's future, the baby's future, your friend's character). I would strongly recommend reading "Boundaries" by Townsend & Cloud, focusing on careful decisions regarding the things that are in your control, and letting go of the other things.
It's very good that you take the godmother role so seriously. I was named godfather for my niece when she was born, but it meant very little (mostly because my niece was brought up as an incredibly insecure, self-centered brat, and I've generally avoided her).
My advice?
Click here
It all depends on how strong your faith is. If you are a new christian, maybe it would be better to cut your friend out of your life for a lil bit at least if she is causing you to sin and fall away from God. Your friend is not worth it.
However if you are really strong in your faith and are able to withstand her setting you up with different guys who want to have sex with you and withstand going out drinking with her. Then I would say go be a godmother. It will be an opportunity to show Gods love and patience through you, and maybe oneday, your friend may come to know Christ through you, and you can live a life of self sacrifice for her child and raise her up in God's ways.
be strong....
God did not give you the spirit of fear and timidity, but a spirit of Love, Power, and a Sound Mind (or self-discipline)
Talk with her about everything you stated here. Easier said than done, but the truth is what matters. My family is a total wreck because things like the problems you're facing were never talked through, they were just ignored. It will be so much better in the long run if you talk about it; you will be a saner person; and if you choose to be in this kid's life, your bond will be stronger.
There is a common theme here, and it is right on: have that really hard talk with your friend. If she sees how much you actually care about her, It can plant the seeds of the Kingdom in her heart!
I would also add this: She has asked you to be Godmother. That means she really trusts and respects you. Once you talk with her, I would recommend honoring that trust by agreeing. You can become the sole Godly witness to your new godchild! Pray that God shows you how to love them the best in this situation, because Love is both the Point of our faith, and the demonstration of it.
All the best.
if you become the godmother of the child, it doesn't mean you become your friend's mother. plus, even if you were her mother, nothing you do or say can ultimately control what she will do or say.
she has a problem with her general mindset and way of thinking.
so do we all = so do you.
if you decide not to be her godmother, it should only be because you feel that someone else is more qualified for the job. but on the contrary, as the compassionate, sympathetic, and loving person that you are, while you may not be qualified to be the mother of your friend, you may be qualified to offer some support in this child's life.
why do you think your friend is still around? no, she's not very good to you, but she does see something in you that keeps putting up with her. i'm not saying to put yourself into a position of abuse, and long before this offer to become her daughter's godmother, you should be talking to her about the things she constantly does which upset you, forgiving her, asking her how you can be a better friend to her in the process, and forgiving and moving on from those things.
bottling them up isn't any good.
doesn't mean you need to lash out, but i think she needs to be confronted - because YOU care for her, you will do this and soon.
after this happens, her request will either be removed, or it will stand, but you have to address one relationship at a time: the one with her is first.
and if the offer stands, and your friendship with her grows, then what a tremendous opportunity to do them both some good - and also for you, for serving is not only a commandment, but it is also a huge blessing.
God bless you and give you peace, patience, and wisdom.
and let us know how it goes - b