Monday, August 18, 2008
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Pain, Drugs, and God's Presence
by miss poppy
"He's here! He's here!" My heart cries out in the midst of pain and drugs. Once again I find myself wrapped in a white blanket and lying on white sheets while an IV pumps sodium chloride into my veins.
But I have peace. And more than that, I have joy.
I have a treasure locked in the jar of clay that is my malfunctioning body. I love to touch this treasure. to gaze at it in wonder. And it's a living treasure. I ask Him to come and be with me, but He's already here, waiting for me to focus my attention on Him. I look to Him, speak to Him, and He endures with me, endures the tests and needle sticks and pain.
But He doesn't just endure with me. No, His being is filled with joyful, peaceful love, and as He holds me close, I am filled as well.
My mother drove me here, and she sat with me through hours in the emergency room. My father is here now. Their presence comforts and encourages me and makes me feel valued. In fact, I love my father more than I can say when I see his face as he waits outside the door of the x-ray room. But there are limits to human love. As much as they would like to, my parents cannot literally share my pain. They cannot crawl inside me and feel my emotions or comfort me in the deepest parts of my heart.
But He can, and He does. He delights in comforting me. The nurse comes and goes, the phlebotomist takes my blood, the doctor prescribes, and my attention is drawn to the situation at hand. But when they leave, I have a secret delight. It is the joy of returning to my Abba's arms, of remembering that He has been holding me all the while. I talk to Him and snuggle into His embrace, and there is nowhere I would rather be.
It doesn't matter that I am in the hospital again, that I am too young for this many problems. It doesn't matter that I am in pain that no one can identify. It doesn't matter that the medicine makes me loopy. All of these things are significant, but the aggravation they cause cannot compare to the rich joy of having the gentle companionship of God.
God knows that I cannot process deep philosophical concepts right now. He knows that my ability to press in is hampered by my physical limitations. He knows that I need His tender comfort. He knows that I need to experience His nearness. And so He makes Himself very present to me. He wraps His arms around me and soothes my fears. He melts my anxiety in His warmth. He lets me be a little girl, not needing to be strong because He is strong for me.
He holds me in His presence, and I am somewhere else. Even though I am still here, still amidst the clicking machines and sterile equipment, my heart is in another place. It is safe, secure, held quiet in the palm of His hand. My body is tested and tired, but the real me, the one inside, is happy and safe in the arms of my Father.
Do you feel God's presence during times of intense pain?
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Comments (23)
Amen
Such a wonderful post
I am so glad that you have that peace and that comfort. I would say something stupid like "I hope you feel better" but I know you have an actual illness and not something like "oh em gee I has a cold". I hope the pain lessens but saying something like that seems so...lame.
I don't have a physical ailment, but I have gone through extreme physical pain many times and I have been in the ER a lot for varying reasons. I can understand a bit. It is certainly not very pleasant.
The actual question::
I don't feel god's presence period. Not through intense physical pain or intense emotional pain.
wow this is awesome, it's straight from the heart of the Father. Thank you for taking the courage to share it with us and please please please savor this time with Father. As painful as the present may be, what the Lord is doing in you right now will affect the rest of your life.
You've been given an incredible gift that many people today regardless of their status, health, position, or whatever will never taste on this side of things.
Blessings!
Yes its during these times that I feel His presence the most. I have lived with lupus now for over 10 years, taken chemo for this and spent more time in the hospital that I care to think about. All the while the Father was holding and comforting like only he could.
I'm glad you know His comfort during this time! I do hope they can find the trouble and get you comfort soon!
Yes, although I don't always allow Him to comfort me.
Thank you for sharing this. It was very well written. I'll continue praying for you!
About four months ago I was stabbed in a mugging. The pain was intense, there was blood everywhere... well, without going into details, it was one of the most unnerving, scary, horrifying, painful moments of my life. It wasn't until I woke up in the hospital the next day after surgery when I realized that I hadn't called out to god during that whole ordeal. I had intellectually stopped believing in god long ago, but it seems the rest of me had some catching up to do... call it leftover faith, mental reflex, whatever.
So no, I don't feel god in times of pain.
Thank you for sharing, though, and I wish you and your growing family the best.
@firefighterswife@xanga - I also have an autoimmune disease-Crohn's. Through the years of dealing with it, it's amazing to see how God has comforted me and how His hand has been at work. I know some dear friends who have lupus, and it's amazing to see the patient heart God has developed in them through their illness. I will pray for you.
@bittersunday@xanga - Thank you for your sweet words. They encourage me and mean a lot. I want to say the same to you, though I know that words fall flat.
Sodium Chloride is salt. It's a saline (salt water) drip to keep you hydrated.
Just FYI.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - Thanks for your good wishes. I appreciate them.
@agnophilo@xanga - I know
I've been in the hospital probably around fifteen times now, and that seems to be one of the main constants. I was NPO at the beginning of this visit, so of course they were quick to pump me full of fluids.
@misspoppy - I just wanted to make sure you knew, so you didn't think they were drugging you with saline, lol. Not everyone knows chemicals.
@agnophilo@xanga - Yeah, I've learned a lot...that I maybe never wanted to know ;) Most of it has to do with my specific disease-Crohn's-but since I've been in the hospital so much I've picked up some general info too.
@misspoppy - At least it's an educational experience : D
@agnophilo@xanga - Hee hee. They gave me Diloted for pain (as usual). That is definitely educational XD
@misspoppy - Never heard of it.
@agnophilo@xanga - It's a man-made painkiller that is 6-10 times stronger than morphine.
@misspoppy - Alrighty. Sounds addictive.
So sorry to hear that you are suffering so. I know what you mean about feeling God's presence, though, during times of pain and ill health.
I, too, have Crohn's and another autoimmune disease. It feels like my body is betraying me - basically, when you have one of these, it's literally attacking itself, at the cellular level - and that makes no sense to me - how are we supposed to "be strong" when our bodies are letting us down?
I try not to take the heavy pain medications unless I absolutely have to, to be able to sleep. They are just too dangerous and addictive. I hope you can get some relief through healthy supplements and remission of your symptoms. I will be praying for you.
@musicmom60@xanga - I'm looking to go to someone with an alternative approach to treatment since I'm allergic to most Crohn's medications. I've taken probiotics in the past, and I try to keep tabs on what foods aggravate it. You know how difficult it can be. I will pray for you. Lots of love.
With the right perspective, pain is a blessing. We can unite our pain with that of Christ's, we can meditate on His suffering on the cross and grow to love Him more. Pain can have a purpose.
@Amarisa@xanga - So true. We may not usually seek to or want to identify with Christ's suffering, but it really can be a blessing when we have painful times that allow us to do so.
yes. truly magnificent.