Friday, August 22, 2008
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My Brother: Future Party Animal or Future Bible Study Leader?
from milkandcookies
Lately, my younger brother, who is a senior in high school, has been asking me for a lot of advice regarding which college he should attend. At this point, it's between my school, which I'll call "D College," and my long-time best friend's school, which I'll call "N University." As his older sister, I understand that it's ultimately up to him what to decide, but he's having such a hard time choosing that I feel as if my advice and college experience have a little more weight than usual.
So here's the thing: both schools have reputable programs, both are in an urban setting, and either would end up costing us about the same amount. He's gone to tours in both schools and he liked both of them - so what it really comes down to now is the spiritual environment and resources, as my brother has been a Christian his whole life...but a lot of that is because our family is Christian and we went to a Christian school for many years. I guess you could say we grew up in a "Christian bubble" that was pretty isolated from the secular world.
My school, "D College," has a very dry spiritual environment. It's a huge party school, drugs and promiscuity are rampant, and we're surrounded by sports bars (and little else.) I guess that's pretty normal for a university, but the weird thing is, we don't really have Christian campus groups either (no Navigators, Campus Crusade, InterVarsity or anything like that.) I had major "culture shock" coming from the Christian bubble to D College, and thanks in part to the lack of spiritual resources, I made no Christian friends and fell into a very secular pattern of life. Since there's basically nothing to do at my school but get drunk and party, I found it very hard to socialize in the beginning, so I was super lonely. Later on, once I made friends, I did a lot of stupid things and got involved with some of the wrong people, which kind of hurt my grades early on too...well, I never tried drugs, and I don't get drunk on a regular basis, but it can be difficult to live like a Christian in this environment, if you know what I mean. Right before my senior year, I got myself back on track spiritually and joined a church. I feel like I'm on my way to finding the fellowship/accountability I need (and should have gotten 3 years ago.)
My best friend's school, "N University," is a totally different story. Like my school, It has its fair share of drugs and wild parties, but it also has a LOT of resources for Christians. Whereas I started out very lonely and sad my freshman year, my best friend found a group of friends right away after "fellowship-hopping" for a couple of weeks. Thanks to my best friend, I now have a lot of friends in that fellowship and really appreciate our shared Christian background, as well as the "safe", insulated environment they present as opposed to my school's totally foreign one (well, foreign to a girl growing up in a Christian bubble.)
When I think back on my choices, I realize that if I'd gone to "N University" with my best friend, my life would probably have been a little smoother, especially in the beginning when I was super homesick and out of it: I would have joined the fellowship/church with my best friend, I'd do church activities 5 times a week, I'd maybe become a small group leader or a worship group person, I'd do outreach/missions/evangelism, all that stuff that I was accustomed to growing up. My life at "D College" is definitely the opposite of that now. It's not always the easiest thing, but still, I appreciate the chance to live in the world...and to have exposure to something other than the "Christian culture." It shook my faith a lot, and I'm still recovering, but I firmly believe that God allowed me to have a more traditional college experience for a reason.
...which brings us back to my brother. Knowing life at "D College," and knowing that my brother is super naive and impressionable, I'm so afraid that if I send him to my school, he'll end up becoming a major party animal while being taken advantage of by other people. I don't want to feel responsible for puttting him in an environment that I know is spiritually dry and very tempting otherwise. Since I go there, I can already imagine the students and administration he'd have to deal with, and while I'm sure he could learn something about life, chances are, he'll learn it the hard way. I feel strange putting him in a campus where the culture is decidedly anti-religion...and it's not super intelligent either...it's just very shallow and into partying.
On the other hand, while I know that the Christian groups he would likely seek out at "N University" would give him that safe, secure environment that I as an older sister would love to see him in, I don't know how I feel about advising him to just stay in the Christian bubble forever and never experience the real world. I am quite sure that if my brother ended up going to "N University," he would join my best friend's fellowship/church and just...not ever encounter a more secular, worldly side of life.
What would you do? Advise him to go to a place where you KNOW he'll get hurt and be very challenged spiritually (and where he'd have to go very much out of his way to find other Christians)...yet where he'll also get real-world experience....or send him into another Christian bubble? I've been a quiet, responsible student all my life, which may be why I didn't go crazy to the max in "D College," but my brother's very outgoing and has always struggled to stay on track academically and not bending to peer pressure...which is why I have my reservations about sending him to "D College" despite its potential to teach him about life outside the Christian bubble. At this point, I can only pray that he'll be wise wherever he goes....
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Comments (29)
I think it depends on how spiritually mature he is. I went to a very reputable Christian college – solid theology, great fellowship opportunities – but I still managed to get into the "wrong crowd" for most of my time there. I would've been a lot worse off if I had gone to your "D college." I went to a public high school, so the Christian environment was a shock to me, but I still liked it.
The fact is, he's going to get a taste of the real world sooner or later, but maybe he needs a strong foundation before he ventures out into the world. Maybe he can handle it now and stay strong despite anti-Christian peer pressure. I know a great Christian guy who went to a very secular school and he's still a strong Christian, three years later. Take a look at how your brother is doing spiritually, and factor in his personality (is he a leader or a follower, etc.) and give him the best counsel you can.
That's tough. In my opinion, being stuck in the "Christian bubble" is slightly better than having little to no Christian resources at hand. Obviously neither are ideal, but college is a time where he will likely gain a whole new depth in his relationship with Christ or...wander from it.
I also have a younger brother, so this may just be the protective older brother coming out of me. ;) Let us know what he decides!
I think it really is a shame that "traditional college experience" means drinking, partying, and sex. College used to be a place of learning. Hopefully, at either college he attends, you brother will see it that way and focus on studying rather than social life.
What about community college? I know most recent graduates get nauseated at the words "community college", but they're really great. I'm attending one and they're really nice for helping you transition into a college atmosphere. If he feels he's not ready to leave home and land in a new world entirely, maybe he should look into your local community college. Not to mention it's a lot cheaper and you get the same education.
hmm ... maybe you should have you and your brother pray about it and see which would would be better for him and his christian walk as well as for him impacting his community ...
sometimes we might take the easy road but we're actually being called for the tough road because we can do it.
well, i'm all about the school of hard knocks. college is a bubble in and of itself. life is different once you start working...start really living like an adult. your brother needs to be street smart, be prepared for life, etc. if you think he can handle getting hurt, getting lost, and finding his way back to God, then you should advise him to go to D college. however, if you know he needs a little more time, a bit more nurturing, then mebbe N University would be better.
i came from a very strict upbringing. i went to college, lived on the party floor, and saw so much open-door sex and drunks rolling around that i was shocked outta my mind. but...i'd lived hard, despite my parents trying to cage me up for my own protection, and because i had, i was prepared for the stupid things college kids did. and it was in THAT environment that i realized i truly was conservative, that i really *didn't* want to get drunk, and that i wasn't a promiscuous party girl. i dunno if i would've realized that about myself with such perfect clarity had i gone to a "safer" school.
in the end...protecting your brother's faith is between him and God. the best thing to do is to tell him to pray, to ask for guidance, and it'll be up to God to test your brother's faith...or not.
Unfortunately, there's going to be drugs, drinking, and rampant sex on practically ANY college campus. Even Christian ones.
I attended a Christian university and it was the same as when I attended a state university. Only at the Christian college, it was more under wraps. Kids would lie and be deceitful about what they were doing, rather than the state-school kids who would openly brag about it (personally, I don't know which was worse--the lying or the bragging).
Maybe he could be the one to start a Christian group at the first college.
@KechiNeko244@xanga - Random, but thanks for saying "nauseated" and not "nauseous". So many people confuse the two when they mean completely different things! It's nice to know I'm not the only person in the world who knows the difference. ^^
You can have no idea how either school will affect him. For many who have been a Christian their whole life, being exposed to the world can be enticing to any degree, and it really depends on his faith and the decisions he makes in the midst of it no matter where he goes. In either school, he could get a taste for the world, and end up not wanting it anyway. Regardless, I do not think it is a bad thing to be surrounded by a secular environment, sometimes it is worse that Christians never get outside their own world and impact it.
I'm glad that you care for him and want him to make the right decision...Surely you can advise him and try to share your concern either way. But ultimately he belongs to the Lord, and no matter what happens, if he really does belong to the Lord that you can trust and know that God will use whatever happens.
@bittersunday@xanga - "Maybe he could be the one to start a Christian group at the first college."
That's what I was thinkin.
You act like the two are diametrically opposed.
he must follow his heart.
if N-college is just a regular university with Christian resources, I wouldn't worry about putting him in a 'bubble' by suggesting for him to go there.
in the end, it is still his choice and the strength of his faith that decides his path, not necessarily the choices in front. i had lots of christian 'resources' at college, but still found it hard not to follow secular paths.
i would suggest sending him to the bible college. like it or not, a secular college doesn't represent the "real world" any better. the college atmosphere is a bubble in itself.
i think that if he is having a hard time and is not solid in his faith, he should go to the Christian college. he'd be able to build up his faith and he'd be less likely to fall away from it at a Christian college!
anyway, prayer is a good thing. and don't worry, because God has control of the situation.
I say show him this post - and all the comments - and let him decide.
You can't hold a person's hand forever. As best as your intentions are, sometimes people have to learn the hard way. If you think that college life is bad, the real world is so much worse. He has to learn sooner or later. Sometimes, you just have to let that person go and allow them to fall and stumble on their own. If he has a solid foundation then he'll rely on it; therefore, you should rely on faith and let him go. If it is the worse-case scenario then that is on him. Ultimately, we are solely responsible for ourselves and the choices we make. Tell him the pros and cons of both schools, and let him decide.
why didn't you try and start a fellowship at your school? i'm sure that you weren't THE ONLY spiritual person there.
I went to a Christian University from a public high school. it
definitely had a sheltered feeling, but you could find the trouble
there if you wanted it...
you write in a couple of different
places as though you believe that if he is sheltered through his
college years from "the world" that he'll be sheltered for the rest of
his life. not the case. even if my Christian university was a bit of a
shelter for me, I did graduate. and move. and I work every day in a
secular environment (I work in the media industry.) so you aren't
giving him advice that forever prolongs the inevitable, being
face-to-face with the opportunity to make "worldly" choices.
It sounds like N University is not cut off from the real world all that much. Perhaps it would be a good stepping stone for him, where he still gets to be around the Christian resources and yet get a picture of the real world before he is completely thrust into it once he graduates college. Christians DO need the resources and the fellowship to help build them up in those times of being thrust into the real world. Perhaps he should "Flee from temptation". And be "in the world, not of the world." N University might be the place for him to do this, especially if he needs some strengthening in his walk. Maybe D College would be a shock to the system. We grow in steps.
that's not to discredit your experiences. God puts different things in different peoples life because He is the one who knows best as to what will ultimately help us to grow. Your experiences can't necessarily be your brother's experiences. I went to a Christian University and to be honest, those 4 years were probably the most trying, spiritually bankrupt years of my life, not because of poor resources (because there were good resources), and i didn't even behave "badly" as people would define it, but because of what went on in my heart. but yes, God did grow me through it all and I've come to realize His grace more because of it. I think being surrounded by alot of Christianity is what God used to get my focus back on Him. Also, one shouldn't participate in sin to break out of a spiritual bubble.
But, I am not God. Perhaps God will lead him to D College and help him learn there. Some people need to learn the hard way, and some people can learn the easy way. I say, be completely honest with your brother on how you feel, pray about it together, and let your brother figure out where God is leading him in this decision. And once he chooses continue to pray for his growth in either environment. If it's to D College, both of you, and your family, together and seperately, pray that he'll stay stable in an unstable environment. God can do it after all. If it's to N University, pray that he'll use those Christian resources and that he'll still see more what the real world is all about. and in the end, just trust that God will bring Him through it in whatever he chooses.
another thought: college is supposed to be a place to learn. You mentioned that both have reputable programs, but i noticed that you said, at least in the case of being anti-religious, that D College is "not super intelligent either...it's just very shallow and into partying." i kind of get the feel that students don't focus on learning there, just partying. you also don't want your brother to go to a learning environment where he is tempted to not learn. it would be pointless. he should just go into the work force and experience the real world there if that's the case.
lastly, maybe God allowed you to go there to experience it and be a warning to your brother, who sounds he might be spiritually weaker, about what goes on there so he can either be prepared when he goes there or that maybe he should avoid it entirely. anyway, you can probably tell my personal preference, but ultimately know God will lead him to the right place. sorry for the really long comment!
I think the best method is to pray about it and see what God thinks is best. Even though we can look ahead some ways, it's hard to say exactly what will happen down the road. Though right now he might seem the type to fall under peer pressure (if he went to your school), that might not actually be the case.
From high school into university/college then into the work force. All of those are little bubbles in and of itself. So what he learns from each one of those is important, but in the end, they might not completely be transferrable to the next segment of life.
Does your brother absolutely HAVE to go to college? I graduated last spring and I'm just trying to find a job because the Lord has told me that right now is not the time for me to be spending my means on education for myself. My goal for the year has become more to be a light for the community and to just love Jesus.
Whatever college your brother decides to go to, I think it would be a great idea for you to get more involved in his life and make sure he knows that you really care about him, and encourage him to be the fire that spreads the gospel wherever he is at. Don't look so much at the organizations offered for christians, look at who's willing to listen. And hey, you and your bro have got each other so be encouraging.
@bittersunday@xanga - My mom's an author. We were not allowed to make grammatical errors when I was growing up. ;)
my first thought was N-University for sure. I also like the comment about showing him this post. And definitely keep praying that he makes the right decision.
meg
I first of all say that he himself should make sure he makes time to study, both his Bible and his schoolbooks. He should also make sure that he doesn't let any type of group(Christian or non-Christian), distract him from his primary job on campus which is getting good grades and getting good pre-professional work experience. I had a bunch of Christian orgs at my secular university, but because so many of them were either doctrinally unsound, cliquish or a mixture of both, being around them was not helpful and I ended up hanging out with unmotivated, less Christ-like people for a while for variety. Ultimately God will guide him and lead him, and he shouldn't hesitate to reach out to you for help and you should always be willing to give it.
Personally, I would express my ideas regarding both colleges to him. Let him know what he's getting himself into at either school.
I experienced a decent bit of culture shock when I went from my Christian school in West Virginia to a large, diverse, liberal university further north. I knew it was where God was leading me, and I also knew exactly what I was getting into when I went... but I had God to hold my hand the entire time. He broke my heart for the people I saw who felt like they had to sin. I wasn't perfect at all, but God hasn't let my failures stop Him.
Who knows what He plans for your brother at either university? I know you feel a lot of responsibility regarding this decision for him, but, honestly, it's his decision to make between him and JAH. Your advice is important and valued, but, in the end, he needs to make such a big decision for himself. If I were in your position, I'd express your thoughts on either school and see what he's led to choose.
A "christian" environment does not mean less promiscuity, less drugs, less drinking. It just means it will be better hidden.
Seriously, the number of teens that have sex before leaving highschool is exactly the same in public schools as it is in private religious schools that make their students take "abstinance pledges". I've been told by people that went to christian summer camps that it was easier to get weed and alcohol there than it was at home.
You can't tell what someone's like by whether they have a crucifix around their neck, or what a school experience is going to be like by whether it's got "St." in front of the name. And like everyone, eventually your brother's gotta sink or swim in the real world like the rest of us.