Tuesday, August 26, 2008
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Question of the Day: How to Comfort the Grieving
Several years ago a close friend's sister died in a car accident. She was only 18 years old and the baby of the family. When he called me to tell me the news I was so stunned and incredibly heartbroken, all I could do was burst out in tears and try miserably to say something intelligible. I didn't know what to say to my friend to comfort him but I tried hard to be there for him in his time of need- notifying other friends of the death, bringing him his favorite foods, listening to him, praying for him and his family and also backing off to give him his space...
I've never experienced the loss of a close friend or family member but in that situation I kept on thinking what I would have appreciated from someone if I was grieving the loss of a loved one.
How do you comfort someone that is grieving the loss of a loved one? If you've lost a loved one, what was the best way someone comforted you?
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Comments (26)
I'm interested to hear what others say. I imagine feeling a sense of helplessness that cannot be matched...
I have heard people who have grieved say that it's best to just be with them. There's s nothing anyone can say to make it better. But it means a lot to have someone to share the pain.
C.S. Lewis's A Grief Observed is fantastic to read because it shows just how complex the grief process is. It reinforces the idea that no outside person can "make it all better."
When Jesus went to Bethany after Lazarus's death, even He cried at the pain that His friends were experiencing. I think sometimes that the best thing we can give to a grieving person is the assurance that we are with them and that in some way we share their sorrow, that their sorrow is important and the person they lost was important.
Last November my cousin was shot and killed shortly after his 18th birthday. Several of my cousins on that side of the family go to school with me though we've never really been close. The day after we found out about it my cousins were the only people out of 1100 I wanted to be around. I saw one in the cafeteria and we held each other, crying. Her brother was sitting at a table alone, crying to himself. I sat down and said a few words to him...all he could do was nod.
All of us just had this feeling of needing each other's comfort and needing to be away from everyone else. I wrote a poem about how all I could think was how much I needed people to leave me alone, to stop pulling me into an embrace, to stop asking if there was anything they could do because NO, of course there wasn't anything they could do.
I mean don't get me wrong, I appreciated the endless offers of comfort and support I received...it was just too much. I just needed everyone to go away to let me be with my family.
As an atheist who believes death is the end it's hard to console someone about death, especially if they already find consolation in belief in an afterlife.
I usually tell them that whatever is true about the universe, life after death etc, that one thing I'm certain of is that their loved one is not in any pain, is not sad, is not suffering in any way. Is at peace. And that while their life may have been cut short, most people that could exist never get to live at all, and that they were tremendously lucky to have the time they had.
I think the best way to comfort a grieving person is to let them grieve and just let them know you are there for them to talk to if they need it.
There is no comfort but the comfort of God.
In the early days of my grief journey I appreciated those who remembered to share little stories of my son. The best support was from other Christian mothers who were on a similar path, because they knew. The only true comfort, though, was the hope that is within me. I DO have the certainty of life after death and a sweet reunion with my son - because of God's Son and His provision for eternal hope. Something that goes beyond what this world has to offer. Jesus is not just a truth we get to know; He is the truth, who passionately wants to know us.
the bible shows us that we just be there for the person, dont really have say anything... if you look at book of job, he lost everything... it's like imagin urself as bill gates, and losing everything except ur life... his came and just sat with him for long time without saying anything... as the person suffering i think they may want someone to hold... as to the person watching we want to say or do something to help them cope... but that takes time...
i think the best way is just to be there for them when they need you. to allow them some space to be alone when they need it but also to check up on them once in awhile to see how they're doing and not let them spin into depression.
if the person who passed and the one your want to comfort are both believers, remind her of the hope we have in jesus. and that our future will be way longer than what we had in the past.
There is an organization called Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org/) that has a list of things you can do to help people who are grieving.
The best things I have learned about grief from those I have tried to comfort and from my own set of losses, is that you can be someone who watches them for whatever they may need. Don't look for recognition for having done it, they are numb and often unknowing. Just do it and know you will need the same thing someday. Be sure to understand that there is no time table for grief - let them weep anytime they need to. Let them talk and be sure that you don't repeat what they say. Be that safe haven for them.
Also, don't keep trying to match their grieving process with yours. Everyone is different, and that's not a mean or angry thing to say. Sometimes, when you think that mentioning your grief process is compassionate, it only feels like you're competing with your process and stifling (or trifling) the hurting one you are talking to. It's those who just have time (and tissues) to listen, and don't have to divert our tears, who bring the most balm to our woundedness.
One other thing about grief: you can sorely grieve someone's death even if you didn't know them. You may just be grieving the reality that death comes in ways and places, as well as to people, we thought would be safe from death. We might grieve that death can come in ways no one could have prevented, or foreseen. I have even grieved what I thought was an unfair loss.
The hardest part about death, is its finality for those of us living on earth. As a Christian, I don't mourn "as those with no hope" [1Th 4:13 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.]; but I do feel the ache, hurt and loss as fully as I am meant to, so that I face my weaknesses and unsettled questions in a more mature way than I had before the grief hit.
To all who are grieving, I send my gentlest hug, and a prayer that you will be honest with God about all you feel. He's big enough, honest enough, and has all the answers when you're ready to listen. That doesn't mean He OWES you all the answers, but that He wholly understands grief - even yours. And He is probably the only One who really DOES understand your pain.
(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
Its amazing how we can't allow a person to express their grief. When a person cries, we feel this need to keep them from crying, to 'fix' them or to say something to make it better. Sometimes just letting a person be themselves, experience the anguish, but know that they have a friend there to hold their hands is what is needed.
Google Phillip Yancey.
When someone close to me die, what I what is for people to understand that I just lost a person who is close to me, to give me some time to go through and sort out or calm my emotions, and to just be there.
When I was in high school, both my parents passed away a few months from each other (I'm 25 now). My mother died after a long illness, my father after a very short one (we thought that he would survive much longer...it was somewhat unexpected).
For me, what helped the most was just having people there. It wasn't what they said, but just the fact that they were there. The hugs, hand holding, pats on the back meant the world to me. The people who would sit with me while I cried...that meant so much to me. They had no idea what to do or say, and I'm sure that they were horribly uncomfortable, but they stuck it out and mourned with me.
Just go is the advice I got when I was in a puzzle about how to help out somebody who was in need. You don't have to say anything.
Probably the worst thing to say is ,"Let me know if there is anything that I can do." People who are struggling don't have the strength to ask for help in eloquent ways. But if you go to them you can often look around for a way to help. Maybe help with laundry,dishes, meals, play with the kids if there are some. I've sung to people, let them hold my baby or toddler too.
Probably one of the best things anybody did for me when I was grieving was to just allow me to do what I felt I needed to do and not push me into their idea of what I should be doing. Or to put it another way, being patient with me. I think being in the process of greiving makes me feel brittle. So being around pushy people is extrememly difficult. It is better to be alone than with that kind of pressure. But it is best to have somebody gentle and patient come be with me.
be there. not act uncomfortable when they talk about their loved one who is gone. understand that they may need to talk about them, or they may not want to. i had to talk, most of the time. be patient. don't push or expect anything - good or bad. this is the worst time for any kind of expectations.
hold a hand. write a note. just be there.
my sister died last year, she was 15. i was 17. my closest friends and my parents' closest friends were at our house all day for at least a week, bringing food, doing dishes, making tea, making sure i ate. they held us, kissed us, sat with us, looked at pictures of my sister, helped us get ready for the memorial service, prayed for us, spent the night sometimes, cleaned our house...it was an amazing blessing in the midst of grief because when we were in the deepest shock and the worst grief, we didn't even think of those kinds of things or find them important. notes my friends wrote to me were also really helpful, but it was most precious to me that they all came over to just be with us. my prayers and empathy for everyone who's lost someone.
I guess the most important thing is to show the person that their loss hurts you too.
This is always a challenge. My father died March 17, 1970. Everyone knew that he would not live the normal life span because of a heart valve replacement he had at age 15. But this did not matter it still was a shock...he was only 33 and I was 14. What you did with your friend was the best thing to do. Just be there for them...the fact that you are there is enough and does make a difference. Most people do not know what to say or do and so therefore stay away especailly after a certain amount of time passes. They only miss out on a blessing they could have experienced together. Expressing feelings is different for everyone and how one gets there is different for everyone too. But isn't it great when you are with someone and you know that is exactly where God wants you to be. Have a great day everyone and know that God is with you no matter what situation you are in and that He will be taking care of you and those around you as well.
My wife escaped this planet last November. At first I was numb. I had just changed jobs earlier in the month she left. The loss was expected and mercifully quick.
Though I haven't had it yet, I would like to opportunity to cry with others who have loved us both. I found yesterday that I find a measure of peace just being with people who love me. When I came out of the numb stage I wanted to talk about her naturally, normally. So far its been difficult to find people who are ready to do that with me.
In my numb stage it would have been nice to have someone in the house with me, not necessarily attending to me, but just there. Then again, I probably wouldn't have been able to express my anger and pain if there had been someone there. I reckon it depends on the person.
I reckon everything that behind_blue_eyes_39 spoke of would've been nice, too.
To be perfectly honest, I've tried to do the exact same that you do when someone I know is grieving. It seems, however, that most of the grieving that I've encountered has been my own along with my friends or family.
Just being able to sit and cry with friends (especially friends who might be grieving for the same person) is always comforting to me, because they won't "look at you funny" for what you're feeling.
When the high school youth pastor died at my church when I was a junior it was hard for everyone in the high school to deal with. They had a funeral for him and we all went. It was comforting to hear that Christ was talked about more at the funeral than he was. It was also extremely comforting when the counselor at my high school brought in whoever needed to talk to her at lunch, and she gave them all words of encouragement. I think that, during that time the most comforting thing was that people cared and that more than just one person was going through the same grief that you were. You had someone that you could come to, crying, and they would know what was wrong.
If you can't seem to come up with more ways to comfort someone who is grieving, praying for comfort for them is always a good start. Perhaps, if God wants you to be more involved than that, He'll give you ways to comfort them that you never thought of before.
~Mistifear
Um i really dont know.... my friends dad just died a few days before you posted this... and i really have no idea..... the day after i brought him thai food... and got tons of people to be praying for him.. and... thats about the extent of what i can do.. hes pushing all of his friends away... so.. theres not much we can do but pray for him... and... wait and hope he will come back to us at some point.... i hate not being able to do anything... so much... and then his being mean is... making his friends angry with him... and so im trying to make sure they get that he has no reason to be crazy happy and chipper.. but they still are getting angry with him because of the way hes dealing with this.... poop.... yeah
I have lost people in my life, and I have found that the best way to comfort me is to just be there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on.
I usually comfort people the same way - being there for them, because being that I didn't know the person they are mourning for, I can't really say that I fully understand what they themselves are feeling.
A good question, and one that our current culture, even in the church..... wants to close away and hide from. Seems that when our week shy of nineteen yr old son was killed at his job site.... there were followers of Jesus, who thought we ought to celebrate!! because our son was now in heaven. And there were a few who tried to apply scriptures to our gaping huge wound. So, my having been there strong advice will echo many of the warmly worded writers above my post. BE THERE. SHOW UP. Don't think you have say anything at all. THe ministry of presence is the strongest one of all. Keep showing up. Drop an encouaraging note a month later, remember the loved one's birthday....... ( our son's bday was the week after he was killed, it is still very hard for us to get through early July ) Don't expect tears to end, in three weeks. A former good friend, whose daughter was in sports like our son was.... stopped by one day, and explained that I "needed to stop so much crying"..... sheesh, i was in the privacy of home, and God knows, much love and a sudden loss equals many tears!! I pressed a book called " Roses in December" into her hands to hope she's gain some insight.... she said it did, but she faded to gray as a friend. Became invisible. She had cared for my son, but threw herself into her children who were then young adults, and never heard from her again. Don't become invisible!! you will make the already energy depleted griever wonder what they did to offend you. Many of us feel like modern day lepers...... the pain of child loss and sibling loss is so great, if we speak of it in truth ever, folks want to run from us. So we wear masks, of great weight. Let the griever take that heavy mask OFF, and accept them as they now are, finding their new normal, in their own time. God has not any set time, in His word, about grief, why does our culture apply one?? the first year is NOT THE hardest, the second year, when all of those who bought the lie, and disappeared, is. Your shock wore off, and no one is there to support you now, so there you are, like having surgery with no anesthesia, walking through memories and no one wants to hear them. BE there. Listen. LOOK at pictures!! and hear the heart speak. Be unafraid, please be unafraid. Be the hands and feet of God. whether it's been two weeks, two months, two years, or eight. The memories are hidden unsaid, and just being able to say them takes the sting out of them. Your ears and heart might be a puzzle piece of restoration in their journey of sorrow.
I was 15 when my mother was shot and killed, a year before my Great Grandfather had died (we were very close). Spiritual talk was ok but I was left alone and I ended up being everyone's care taker for many years. A year ago I finally went to grief support group and learned a few things; no one death is the same or the reaction of every person. The best thing you can do is be there and be a listener. There are five steps of grief that must be allowed to happen and having a friend hold your hand through them is marvelous. The things you did for your friend were fantastic and when the crowds left, hopefully you were still there, that is when the friend would have needed you most. Being is the answer..Words are nice but sometimes empty if not with action. As Christ followers we have an obligation to express ourselves as Jesus would express Himself, quick to listen and slow to speak and most of all, love.
I worked as a funeral director for 17 years. Following that, I worked for a time as a bereavement coordinator for Hospice. My role in Hospice was to follow up with each family to track their grieving and to make sure they did not develop complications in their grieving. There are several issues that a grieving person deals with. They need to know that there is no 'correct' way to grieve. Each person must find their own way through the process. They will have good days and bad days, good moments and bad moments. There will be times where they will experience deep sadness and despair, but times when they will experience fond memories and appreciation. There will be times when they are very angry, even angry at God. Many go through this phase.
What can you do to help? The very best thing you can do is to provide patient listening. Allow them to talk out their feelings, on their own schedule and timeframe. Just being there to listen and to understand is all they need.
What shouldnt you do? Do not try to comfort them by telling them that it will get better or that they need to stay positive or that they need to get back out into the bustle of life. The grieving person gets very tired of all the cliche responses so avoid them and just be there. Do not try to change the subject to something that is less awkward for YOU. They need to talk out their feelings, and if you want to help, then you need to allow them to control the conversation.
Two things come to mind that were huge blessing for me when my father died when I was 19!
1. Toilet Paper. My friend brought me an huge thing of Toilet Paper the day after my father died and I was like what the stink is this for? She said "you have so many people coming in and out of your home at a time of loss, and you aren't thinking about these kind of "hosting" details in your state of grief." We went through every roll and I was so grateful that she thought of that. She also brought 8 rotissorie chickens, which we ate all of those too. So glad for friends who are really practical, when I was in a daze.
2. Allow them to grieve for years after. Grief can be a really long process. Some things about my fathers passing, I didn't realize or deal with until about 3 years after and I had friends who said, dude, it's been years, you should be past that by now. Let them know early and often that it's ok to process for a long time and that you're ok with listening to them when it comes up.