Tuesday, August 26, 2008
-
Reader Stories #10: The Best Kind of Failure
from CH1216
I remember it was the week of March 23rd, 1984. I had made so many mistakes in my life, my marriage, my relationships with friends and family, that I felt like the biggest failure on earth. The words that my stepmom used to remind me of quite often "You Will Never Amount to Anything" kept haunting me, and this particular week, they were ringing true in my life.
My life was a mess because of poor choices that I had made in my marriage. My husband was wanting to file for divorce AND take my kids away from me! I was exactly who my stepmom always said I was ... A FAILURE!
My whole life had been such a struggle to please people; and to find love. All of the abuse that was dished out to me was just a constant reminder that I would never or could never be loved nor would I ever please anyone! It was a never ending struggle that I had finally come to the conclusion, I had finally lost.
It was time to go home. It was time to remove myself out of my kids lives because they deserved so much more than what I was able to give them. It was time to remove myself out of my marriage, because my husband sure didn't need a basketcase like me for the rest of his life! And last but not least, it was time to take the pain from my parents of watching me constantly screw up and make a mockery of my life; and of them!
All I had to do now was figure out how to end it all...and everyone, including me, would finally be at peace.
I remember that week in my life so clearly! It was as if it were just yesterday! I remember the pain I felt; the sorrow I felt; the disappointment I felt; the anger I felt; and so on and so on ...
I could not decide on one form of suicide to end it all. Every one of the ways that I would come up with to end my life, there was always a reason it wouldn't work, or a reason why I wouldn't be able to pull that off either! I would fail at suicide, like I had failed at everything else in my life!
I praise god today that I failed at suicide!! He came to my rescue and pulled me completely out of the mess I was in!! What was it that took me from the thought of suicide to total VICTORY in life?? It was a decision to totally surrender all to him. Everthing! I remember that Saturday morning, so clearly. When I heard His voice, I knew it was Him coming to my rescue! When He said "Don't you think it's time I took over your life", I cried YES LORD!!! And I emptied all of the sorrow, the pain, the failure, the gloom and doom; the embarrassment; all was given to Him that very day!!
I knew my life was not right with Him. I knew at that moment, that without Him, I would die. I didn't really want to die. I just wanted the pain and the stress of my life to GO AWAY!!! I had felt so hopeless!! I just needed to feel HOPE, once again. And HOPE is exactly what I got from Him that very day!
My life prior to this day was filled with alcohol and drugs to numb the pain of what a reject I was. To numb the pain of what a failure I was. To numb the pain of what an embarrassment I was to my husband; my family, and to my friends.
When I cried out "Yes Lord!" that day, I immediately knew that life was going to be okay! I felt an insurmountable peace come over me that I had not felt, ever, in my life! I just knew that everything was going to be okay!!
Did that mean that life changed suddenly; that all of the broken relationships were suddenly mended; all of the bills were finally paid; and so on? Not one iota! But, what it did do, was made me know without a doubt, that it was going to be okay!! That together with my now Lord & Savior, everything was going to be okay, and I knew He was there with me to walk me through it! No doubt, whatsoever!
Sometimes life can seem so heavy; and more than we can bare. We feel as if life is about to suck us into this horrible trap that we will never get out of....or maybe we feel we are in that trap at this very moment. That is when we need to cry out "ABBA FATHER" and let Him come to our rescue! Let him come to our rescue! We need to stop trying to handle it all on our own!!!
Sometimes I think that we need to truly hit rock bottom before we realize that it's time to surrender all to Him! That's what happened to me. I realized many years later, after going through this horrible time in my life, that God was with me every single step of the way! He was just waiting for me to surrender all to Him!!!
That isn't always easy to do, for someone who always felt like she had to be "in control" of everything, in her life. Surrendering meant being put in a very vulnerable state; which to me back then, meant that this opened the door for people to take advantage of me; and hurt me. Not an easy thing to do...except for that day.
Somehow, that day, I knew in my heart that Jesus was going to take care of me. He was not going to hurt me, like others had. He was not going to mock or ridicule me, like others had. He was simply going to love me, and help me, and give me a better way of life. A much better way of life!
I am forever grateful to Him. I honestly can't thank Him enough for what He has done in my life! I am so glad to be alive and healthy because of Jesus Christ!!!
He is my Abba Father! My Daddy!
-
recommend
- recs 2
- give stars
- votes 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 1
Comments (49)
Awesome testimony.
He does more than make life "okay", though. He doesn't just give us peace that "things will work out". He gives us peace in knowing all things pass through His always-good fingers first, that He is in control and when we are aligned with Him, we are fulfilling our ultimate destiny.
~Victoria
Very awesome testimony. It was a joy and a pleasure to read this!
*sigh*
why do i feel like revlife posts always say finding God is synonymous with good mental health?
you can never change the past. you can alway chnage your future.
isaiah 55:9-13
Thanks for sharing such a great testimony. Your love for the Lord comes shining through. Glory to His wonderful name!
Great testimony!!
@MetallMaus@xanga - Because in my experience, and in the experiences of many others - God is a restorer of both our spirit AND mind. Romans 8:6 says "the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace." In John 14:27, Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as
the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be
afraid." God is a healer, if our minds are not restored fully during this lifetime, if we are saved, surely we will be fully restored in heaven.
@Kim - Great points! I am finding them true in my life.
This is a marvelous testimony! Praise God!
@Pickwick12@xanga - @Kim - so if i'm a christian why do i still have schizophrenia and ocd and why do i have to take medicine for the rest of my life?
It is so amazing how God uses the lowest moments of our lives to rescue us.
@MetallMaus@xanga - Even if people write that way, it is not synonymous. I, and others of the strongest Christians I know, struggle with thoughts of suicide. I'm no stranger to the nights where I have to call up a friend to stay with me because I know that if I try to stick it out alone, I'm in trouble. But the difference is, Christians have hope that is more powerful than depression. We belong to the One who is stronger than all the powers of this world, all pain, and all struggles, so while they can attack us, they cannot claim us. We may struggle with mental problems, but we know the one who has conquered them, and when we keep our minds fixed on Jesus, He gives us the power also to overcome them; we know that we are fighting a beaten enemy, and just knowing that is a strong help to mental health.
@ocelot61@xanga - really? hope is more powerful than depression? i'm a christian why do i have to take anti depressants? i've been to bible college, i pray.
@ocelot61@xanga - Well, it does sort of seem as if a lot of Christians (here, anyway) think that just because they believe it makes their life so much easier. Sometimes it just takes some strong will and hope for the future, not in knowing you have a higher spirit watching over you.
This is a beautiful post, by the way.
@MetallMaus@xanga - I know that sometimes there are things chemically for which antidepressants are necessary, but medication does not solve the root problem. I'm not saying that Christians don't land in the problem, but that there is for us a way out of it. In my experience, it is not simple, it takes time to learn and often coaching through it. And for me, it doesn't work unless I am willing to put my entire focus on Jesus Christ, and rely completely on His strength. Over time, I have built up a long list of Bible references that I go to when I'm struggling... I could message them to you, if you'd like, to give you an idea of what helps someone else. It is easy to be skeptical when people say that they have found an answer to something so powerful as depression, but God's word does say that Jesus is above all powers and authorities of this world (Ephesians 1) and that He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness (Colossions 1). Depression is not from God, and since Jesus has won victory over all His enemies in the resurrection, depression is defeated. It can be really hard to remember and live out, and it can only be done through complete reliance on the power of God, and by being steeped in His word, but victory is possible - not an "easy fix" by any means, but it is there.
@wherestherum_17@xanga - I won't take responsibility for how others come across, I can only speak from the experience of myself and those I know. I do know that if I had relied on "strong will and hope for the future" I would be dead. But the fact that I was bought by the death of Christ, and death was defeated by His resurrection, makes His claim on me exclusive, and where strong will fails, the insistence of the Holy Spirit that death has no rightful claim to me is powerful enough to keep me determined to LIVE for Him.
glad u are here with us today...
@ocelot61@xanga - okay.. what you just told me is that you are assuming my full focus is not on God. you are assuming that i have not been a christian long, have not been ill long, and do not know the bible. and all of these assumptions are false. the reason i am saying these things is not out of skepticism, it is out of knowledge, experience, struggle and lastly truth. there's an epidemic in the church of people who believe it's okay to take insulin for diabetes, because we all know that [diabetes] is a chronic illness that needs to be managed, but when it comes to mental illness it is not seen in the same light, as a chronic managed illness in which it should.
jesus healed a leper, he healed a blind man, we aren't going to challenge people with diabetes to go off of their insulin because of his healing and just believe because we know it would be damaging, if not deadly. the same goes - and should go- for mental illnesses.
@MetallMaus@xanga - I don't know everything about God, but I know God does allow some hard things to happen..your problems maybe something God wants to use for good...but that only happens when we let it.
He tells us we will go through struggles but that He won't leave us & that He Will Give Beauty for Ashes if we let Him...& His Grace is sufficient ;we forget to ask for His Grace & His Joy...
Kris
Just keep putting it Daily, Hourly whatever it takes at His Feet.
I'll Be Praying for You!
A Great & Encouraging post!
@MetallMaus@xanga - I assume that no one's full focus, including my own, is on God, because there's something called the flesh that gets in the way. I am sorry if I came across differently than I intended - it seems we are both coming across with implications different from what we meant. As I said, I realize that some people, you included if you say so, need medication. That doesn't bother me; I'm pretty dependent on medication for other health problems myself, and I'm definitely not recommending to go off of medication and "just have faith!" What I am saying is that medication is not enough, and if I understand you correctly, you know that and have spent time in the word of God and have not been healed, but are still seeking God as the source of hope and joy who has the power to heal you if He chooses. I am not saying you are any less of a Christian because of that. Your journey may be on a different route, or a different pace than mine. But the underlying reality that enables me to get through the struggles, has enabled some Christians to break free of them completely, is the hope that brings many Christians mental health, and will eventually heal every Christian - even if not until heaven - is that Jesus is Lord, even over mental illness.
Please understand that I did not intend to say anything that you thought I assumed. Your original question is why revelife posts often assume finding God and mental health are synonymous, and I was working from the basis of my experience to explain why for many Christians, their faith is an immense help to mental health issues. I apologize if you thought I was not taking your struggle seriously - what may have come across as such is actually confidence that in God's timing - be it on earth or when he perfects us all in heaven - He has the power over everything, including mental illness, to heal, and He will do so when He chooses it best for each person's eternal good. I'm not saying anything I've found would "solve" your problem, only that it might help some people, just as if you have found anything that helps I would be happy to learn from you.
Good for YOU! 8D
@Made2sing4Jesus@xanga -.. and you are assuming that i don't let God use my struggles.. i do. you should check out my blog sometime, oh and start at march 2005.
@MetallMaus@xanga - not assuming anything you asked a question & I was lending out a hand of encouragement.
That Simple.
Still Praying for you...
@ocelot61@xanga - my initial question was a rhetorical, because it's a dangerous idea that i feel i see on revlife way too much that could actually hurt people instead of help.
Go God!