Wednesday, August 27, 2008
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Ladies Sometimes You Just Have to Let the Guy Lead
by mr pine
Lately weddings have been on my mind… not marriage actually, weddings. Mostly because of duties that I have been asked to perform in a couple of weddings. One was this past weekend, the other will be in about a month. In that one, I will be doing my best Harry Connick Jr. impersonation while attempting not to ruin the wedding of a friend of mine who requested a special song during the unity candle lighting. That should be fun and terrifying at the same time.
This past weekend I was an usher - with a secret mission. The bride had planned on having a ballroom dancing instructor come in during the reception and teach a couple of lessons. My job was to be a willing participant and to possibly even try to coax others into joining in – not an easy task among Korean-Americans, at least among sober ones. But other than that, I was actually looking forward to it. I’ve taken plenty of ballroom dancing classes over the years for random reasons (i.e. fill credits, friend needed a class partner, weddings…) and consider myself somewhat proficient at the basics.
Well, the reception hall had an open bar, so I figured at least people may entertain the thought of trying their hand at toe dodging for the night. But when the announcement was made after everyone had their fill of either beef or fish and wedding cake, the room slowly started clearing out. I felt really bad for the bride when this started happening and steeled my resolve to try to salvage the plans. So when the dance instructor was introduced, and she asked people to come to the dance floor, I finished off my Cabernet in a quick gulp and proceeded to the dance floor while grabbing people off their chairs.
So I finally convinced a few guys and couples to come out. All I needed now was a partner. This was when I saw one of the bridesmaids, an old friend, finishing off her cake at the big table up front. She protested like only she knows how, but I eventually got her to the dance floor.
A little background information on this woman. She is cool in every sense of the word. I think people see her as being sort of gruff because she can be brutally honest, but I know she has a heart of gold and is one of the most generous people I know. I also know she has her soft side that she doesn’t let show too often. By the way, to be clear, there is absolutely no romantic interest here. One of the reasons why I wanted her to be my partner was because I knew that she would the one woman in the room to not mistake my intentions… at least that’s what I had hoped. But I think as the lessons wore on, she wanted to be obvious about her intentions, at least, by encouraging me to dance with other people as well – which I gladly obliged her with.
It was interesting the dynamic of the dances with certain people. Some were really uptight and rigid in their movements. Others were more relaxed and easy-going. I think the ones that were uptight were the ones who were secretly concerned that I was interested in them or something stupid like that. I’d just rather not have danced with them. The ones who I had the easiest time with were the ones who asked me to be their partner. I think this is because there’s no assumed ‘pick-up’ attempt there.
I think the best dancers were the ones who allowed me to lead. Ladies, here’s a quick tip about ballroom – ALWAYS let the guy lead, even if he’s a rotten dancer. This takes skill and patience, but you will be much happier with the result. You’ve got to feel for slight differences in movement as he pushes and pulls you into the step you should be in. If both are trying to lead you wind up just stumbling all over the place. Guys, don’t be afraid to take control. She’s counting on you for her next movement, let her know. And if both of you go astray, you only have yourself to blame.
I think you know where I’m going with this. I think it is quite apropos that ballroom dancing is featured in weddings. Much of what you learn in ballroom dancing is an allegory to marriage. I’m definitely under the firm belief that the man should take the role of spiritual leader in a marriage. If both the man and the woman are trying to lead, all you get is some clumsy, awkward steps and maybe some bruised toes. But this is not to say that the role of the woman is completely passive – quite the contrary, actually. In dancing she has to be able to take the slightest of cues and anticipate and facilitate the man’s leading. If she were to just be a rag-doll and depend on the man to completely move her, the dance would be extremely taxing. And as in marriage, when one person is a better at something than the other, he or she will compensate for the other’s deficiencies.
I once danced with one of my instructors, and though she was letting me lead, her expertise in “following” made me look like Fred Astaire. In the same way, when I was dancing with a complete beginner, when she started to trust me to lead, I made her a better dancer as well. I think in marriage once the roles are embraced and the give and take flows… it just feels right…
Well, by night’s end I was wiped out, but it was the good kind. I hope that whomever I marry will enjoy dancing every once in a while… not everyday or anything crazy like that, but she’s gotta be able to boogie – or at least be willing to let me show her.
Ladies- how does it feel to let the guy take the lead, whether in dancing or relationships? Is it an issue of trust or control? Guys- do you hesitate to take the lead or wish you had more room to do so?
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Comments (186)
I'm sorry, but this is utter bullsh*t. Excuse my language, I mean you no personal disrespect, but this pisses me off beyond measure, as a woman.
While you might enjoy dancing their dances, this isn't the 1950's anymore. This is 2008. Spirituality should not be regimented by gender roles, nor should anything else. If the person is passive, then they're passive. If they're leaders, then they're leaders. Gender should have nothing to do with their "place" in a relationship, with god or otherwise. All that should matter is their own will.
That's how this lady feels about it.
Again, pardon my venom... but please, update your view on female/male roles. None should lead the other, they should be equal partners. I wouldn't condone a woman leading a man either, by the way.
I'm all about letting a man lead when I'm dancing! It feels really smooth when he knows what he's doing.
In relationships, I believe a man is definitely the spiritual leader of his home. He sets the tone for his family. That's just how it is. In two-parents families where the man refuses to be the spiritual leader, you still see this principle because even if the wife takes on his responsibilities, the overall tone in the home is divided and skewed. He's still setting, the tone, even if he doesn't want to be.
I appreciate what you said about strengths in different areas. A man sets the tone of spiritual focus, but his wife may be stronger in certain spiritual areas. She can strengthen him in those areas.
I recently read a book that talks about male/female roles in Christianity. Apparently, where it is translated that the husband is the "head" of the wife, it doesn't mean head in the sense that we think of because the Greek word did not have that as a possible meaning. A likely interpretation is that "head" means a man is the source of a wife and the one who causes her to flourish and succeed. I think that goes along somewhat with what you were saying because a good leader can make his partner flourish in the dance.
I believe the man is the initiator, but that all (both men and women) are called to submit to one another as well. That submission may look different for the different genders.
First of all, I am a strong-willed, independent woman. I am absolutely a decision maker, and not at all passive. But I love for a man to lead me. I love for God to lead me, I love for my husband to lead me, and I love to dance with a man who can strongly lead. There is a feeling of security that comes with it. And while I'm sure the person before has good reason and even a right to feel the way she does, this is how I feel. I appreciate the story and the question. I love the way life demonstrates or brings up these types of questions....
I completely agree with you. I would also add that in both dancing and life, it does not matter how poor a leader the man is, things still work better when he leads.
It really bothers me if the man has all the control. It is an issue of trust and control, because if a man controls everything you do, chances are he is doing something wrong and not worth trusting. And if a man feels the need to be in charge of the relationship, then he has confidence issues and someone with confidence issues like that shouldn't be leading a relationship. Either way, I think that men and women should share equal responsibilities and control whenever possible. A woman should never have to be uner a mans authority or leadership-ever.
Just my opinion. I know its a kind of strong one. I hope that you are having a good day!
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - I saw your comment and totally agree with you that its an equal partnership- never a leadership. :)
I think as a fairly independent and strong-willed woman it's hard to let a guy take the lead but in my personal experience as well as in my study of the Bible my views on this have changed.
I believe men have to take the lead in a marriage. Yes, we're partners but as a Christian I want my hubs to be our family's spiritual leader. I've been really challenged to let my guy lead and trust that he's going to do the best for me and my family. Yes, he'll get it wrong sometimes but no ones perfect and we all learn from our mistakes.
It's important to remember this doesn't mean that woman are supposed to be subservient, 1950s housewives. We are partners on a team and a team is only as strong as its weakest member, so we are to build each other up. So if the man is the weaker member, ladies we have to help them out and often times the only way to do that is to let them lead.
I love dancing with guys that know how to lead. You can't be timid or second guess yourself. The girl just gets confused and then you both look silly - which is also fun most of the time. There's one guy at a weekly dance event I go to sometimes that I love to dance with. He's probably old enough to be my grandfather. He dances beautifully - and his lead is amazing. I've done things with him that I've never done before - following his steps perfectly. I don't claim to be an expert dancer by any means, but I feel more like one when I'm dancing with him.
Actually, I agree with you. And to make ladies feel better: have you ever watched ballroom dancing? The man leads but you know what? He's showcasing the woman. Everyone is looking at her.
I think too many women (and men, too!) confuse spiritual leadership with "power". Spiritual leadership and submission are actually pretty similar because they both involve placing the needs of your spouse over your own needs. Spiritual leadership doesn't involve the following words: "You woman! Lesser parter! Go make me a sandwich!" Spiritual leadership involves consulting your parter and caring about their thoughts and opinions. A good leader takes in account the dreams, goals, and desires of the person/people he is leading. It's not about "I have all the power and you must do what I say".
I guess you could also compare it to a football team? Theyr'e still a team and each member has an important and equal role. But the quarterback still leads. Without the QB, there wouldn't be a team.
LOL, I just can't help thinking about that line from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding": "The man is the head of the house. But remember, the woman is the neck and the neck can turn the head any way she wants!"
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - Please, let us watch our language here. We can disagree but leat's please try to be civil. This place has a G/PG rating. :)
i agree that a man should be the spiritual leader of a marriage. i think it should be looked at as a high calling for a man, not an inherent right. i'm not married, but i imagine this to look like a big responsibility for the man - to pray ceaselessly for direction for his family, make wise decisions, initiate the difficult conversations with his wife and reconciliation when that is needed, have firm accountability partners, etc. i don't think it means that a man has absolute control over his wife and dictates how she lives her life. it's leading by example and spurring his entire family on to live lives that glorify Christ. that's a BIG challenge and calling, if you ask me.
in anything - business, church, sports - you need good leadership. why do we (women) suddenly feel offended when it's recommended in the context of marriage? women are certainly leaders too - you can't tell a full-time mom who works and takes care of her kids, husband, and household that she's not a leader. it just looks different.
@KechiNeko244@xanga - Great points!
@haemina@xanga - Very well said.
I, too, ballroom dance and agree with your comments about the man taking the lead while dancing. It is hard for me to let the guy take the lead sometimes especially if he is new to ballroom dancing. However, if the woman steps back and lets the man take the lead, it looks better. For more advanced dance moves though, such as the ballerina in salsa, neither the man nor the woman really leads, which can be very interesting to watch, or experience.
In relationships, I believe that both partners should be equal in making the decisions. From my experience, it takes a lot of compromise and agreement between the partners for a healthy and successful relationship. I was raised in a Chrisitan home and taught Ephesians 5:22 as were most people, but a lot of people forget to read further (check out Ephesians 5:25-30). In marriage, man and woman are made into "one flesh" (Eph. 5:31). Which to me symbolizes a partnership.
Ballroom dancing is a lovely metaphor for marriage. The relationship is one of equality, but the active roles require some distinction. When each partner fulfills his or her role and keeps looking into the eyes of the other, the results can be magnificent: a pleasure to experience and to watch!
@charlieseros@xanga - Thank you!!!
@KechiNeko244@xanga - I apologized for that. He can delete my comment if he wishes, but my opinion remains the same, and in those same terms.
I just want to say from a gus standpoint. that I dont believe any one of us want a passive wife we need her input and we need to be willing to let her speak into our lives, I know nothing of dancing but I have a friend that teaches it and to watch her is amazing her partner Im sure compliments it.
for a man to assume that hat he needs to give his wife orders is wrong. Jesus comands us to love our wives as he loves the church but he never takes our freewill away from us and hussbands need to lead the same way
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - all due respect, this is hardly a 'biblical' response to a 'biblical' issue.
While I can respect your point of view as it works out in your own life, as a Christian there are certain things that ARE spiritual, marriage is one of them.
While there should be equality in any relationship, the buck has to stop somewhere.
Biblically that is with the man, and yes he will be held accountable to God for his decisions and how he loves his wife.
@Mom4Him@xanga - I am with you... I really love the way you said this, this is me all over.
Mr Pine, thanks for taking the lead on this issue *wink*
@KechiNeko244@xanga - nice response!
I have found, old-fashioned or not, that it goes over much better in relationships AND dancing when I let the guy lead. I'm good at that in dancing. They say I'm a good dancer- it's really that I just follow really well. We make each other look good.
I think it depends on the character of the man you marry to be honest. singles: If you enter marriage you best be positive that the man you are espousing is capable/worthy to have ANY authority over you.
I see disaster in allowing the man to be the head of the household. You know why? Because a lot of couples, even Christian couples, look for the wrong things in their mate.
A lot of us apply worldly standards, looking for externals rather than character. Add to that that a lot of the church leadership today have a poor poor understanding of Ephesians 5:22-31 and the potential for disaster in allowing one partner to have any type of authority over the other abounds.
The idea of marriage being a partnership is all well and Good. Looks good in print. but, honestly, I've never seen it actually applied. Not really.
i read the title of this post and thought "it's about time somebody said this." so many teenage girls think it's an expression of their freedoms or whatever to take the lead and ask a guy out or make the first move or whatever.
but the man needs to be the leader! that's how God made it.
the example of ballroom dancing was a really good one. you did a good job of explaining it, i never know that it was work to both follow and lead.
very good post! i agree wholeheartedly.
@KechiNeko244@xanga - Thank you for clearly stating something I was trying to think of.
People get so keyed up over words like "spiritual leader" and "submission", but if you check out what Scripture says about these things, it's the complete opposite of a puppeteer-type relationship! Men and women are equal in terms of value--NOT in terms of strengths and weaknesses and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that! It's one reason, I believe, why men and women can make such great teams, once they get past the communication issues. There is so much to complement one another! I too would describe myself as more outspoken than...subservient in nature, but I adore my husband's leadership skills. He's good at what he does, which I thank God for, and I enjoy the godly arrangement in our marriage. It's only been four years, but I think we're starting to see the pattern. We're beginning to understand where we fit in this relationship. "Beginning" would be the operative word...
In any case, I just wanted to say that as a woman, I dreamed of a man who would lead and when God brought us together, I was ecstatic. There's no power struggle. There's clear expectations about most responsibilities. We can work on the things that really matter (like that communication thing and the whole parenting thing) without being constantly distracted by who holds the final verdict on things. In this case, I believe we can "have our cake and eat it too", in that we can be partners in submission.
Of course, we're talking ideals here.
~V
By the way, I was encouraged that it was a GUY who brought this point to attention. So often I hear us girls telling guys what they should be doing. I'm glad this guy is figuring it out for himself!
@Pariahtich@xanga - My parents have a partnership. My dad is the leader of the direction, but my mom is an extremely strong person. They defer to each other constantly. They've also been married over 25 years, so they have had a lot of practice.
Both of them pursue God both independently and as a couple. They don't have much conflict at all any more, and almost none, ever, about who is "in charge" in any particular situation. They listen to each other and then decide on the best course of action.
If there was an ultimately important decision that they were having trouble agreeing on, my mom would defer to my dad; however, he would be very likely to turn around and defer to her.
I am inexpressibly grateful for their example.
misogyny is ingrained in the christian religion. every time i think the faith might be progressing, someone says something like this. thanks for reminding me of why i left your god.
@Pariahtich@xanga - While I agree with your observations in general, I disagree that it follows that allowing men authority in marriages is always a bad idea.