Wednesday, August 27, 2008
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Pressure to Excel is Making Me Anxious
by miss poppy
In two days, my senior year of college officially begins.
I would like to say that I am pleasantly excited or mildly charmed by this idea, but I would be lying through my teeth (whatever that actually means). The truth is, I hate college, and I always have.
Through the summer, I've been free of the familiar feeling of constant, gut-wrenching anxiety. I used to live with it 24/7, but God has gradually freed me from it and enabled me to trust Him with my life. But then the Fall came back around.
As I think back through my writing I realize that a lot of my posts have concerned trusting God. In fact, if you're going through a physical illness, I'm a great one for encouragement. But this is somehow different.
I've always wanted to pull a 4.0 GPA, ever since I left homeschooling in sixth grade. And I've done it. Through three colleges and interruptions for illness, I've killed myself studying as much as I had to. Potential can sometimes be quite a weight. If I have the potential to excel, I've always felt like I should and must. It's not like anyone else is making me. It's completely internal.
And so here I am again, with that familiar knot in my stomach and the fear and anxiety welling up and threatening to choke me. This is not how a child of God is meant to feel. The thing is, I can write about trusting God until I'm blue in the face. In fact, I even think I believe it. But until my actions really start lining up, I realize there's some kind of discrepancy between my head and my heart.
Will I deserve to be loved if I fail? Of course not. I don't deserve love even when I succeed. Love isn't about success and failure. But I can't seem to get that. I want to be worth it, and this is one way I measure my worth. I know it's got to go, but it's hard to give it up.
When push comes to shove, I'm not there yet. But I know that I will be.
How do you handle pressure and anxiety, whether caused by others or yourself?
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Comments (11)
i try to think of what i do as part of God's plan and that the consequences of what happens in each pressure scenario is according to His will.
on a personal level though, the drive to succeed is deeply instilled in me. I have a burning desire to be the best at the things I do and it can amount to large anxiety. at a Christian athletes camp I went to and interned at, a picture put up is that we play/perform for an 'Audience of One.' And regardless of success and failure, God loves us. Using the abilities and gifts that God gave you to its fullest is the best you can do and should expect no more.
Plus, just relax. I've always found it easier to do things well when your mind is clouded with the expectations of success.
when i'm stressed about school, i generally just tell myself not to listen to others and to set my own goals. that way, i know what i can handle and how i can get it done. it's a lot easier that way, instead of listening to my parents tell me what to do. they're both harder workers than i am, so them pushing me harder than i am capable is stressful, so i just tune them out.
When I was in undergrad I eventually went to counseling to deal with my stress issues and the intense amounts of pressure I put on myself to succeed. I discovered that I was using fear to motivate my accomplishments - I was terrified of failure - and that I was capable of doing all I wanted to if I approached it from a reasonable, planned out point of view instead of from sheer panic. Prayer wasn't a part of what my counselor told me to do, but it helped as well.
I can tell you over and over that you don't need to pressure yourself so much, but it probably won't help you unless you yourself deal with it. I can say though that I completely understand the feeling that you must succeed. All I can say is that if your stress and pressure is making you hate college, you need to do something about it. It won't go away just because the academics go away - there is always something else to stress about. I would seriously recommend you see if your college has free counseling services you can make use of. If they don't or you aren't comfortable with that, it might be a good idea to meet with a chaplain or a pastor on a regular basis.
I know exactly how you feel, striving for that 4.0. I had the same GPA until the last semester of my Junior year. I was so upset when I got that B+, especially since it was in one of my major requirements. That really helped me focus, though. I realized that I was getting way too concerned with "perfection" academically before man, and less focused on the more important things like spiritual growth and spiritual perfection.
First, I would counsel you to take time in the mornings to spend with God, either in prayer or reading His Word, so that you are firmly focused on Him before you head off to class.
Second, I would advise you to take time off from work/studying to spend time with your Christian friends. Even if it's just hanging around, talking about random subjects, the change in focus and being around other godly people should help decrease your stress level.
Third, see if the Health Department at your school offers a stress-management class. You might feel crazy taking part in it, but if it works, why not?
@AGraceB@xanga - Great advice! I know this isn't clear from the post, but I do online school. I don't have a campus to go to, but I do have Christian support where I am.
@AnotherSecondMommy@xanga - Thank you. I don't actually head off to class since I do online school, but the principle of taking it to God is excellent. I actually probably have many more opportunities to give my full attention to God throughout the day than I would if I were on campus.
:/
the challenge is on.
If you do your best, then be proud of yourself. You cannot be hard on yourself for doing your very best now can you? Sometimes people can expect too much of themselves, so stop worrying. God is faithful and would not face you with something you could not overcome.
Good Day & God Bless
If you are in Christ, God won't love you more if you get the 4.0, and God won't love you less if you get the 4.0.
And God won't love you less if you get < 4.0. and God won't love you more if you get < 4.0.
God's love for us in Christ is unchanging. Nothing can separate us from God's love for us which is in Christ Jesus.
But it is too easy for us to begin to put on yokes on bondage thinking if we don't do such and such (or if we do do such and such), God won't love us or won't love us quite as much (or that God will love us more). But that just is not the case. That is something I know I struggle with. I put into my mind (often unconsciously) what I think God expects of me and then when I don't meet it perfectly (since I never can), then I beat myself up over it. All the while Satan is celebrating since I've begun to question the love of God and I've lost the simplicity of resting in the love of God and in Christ alone for my salvation.
As Christians, we should work hard and do our best and not shirk responsibility, but we must remember God's love remains the same since no matter what we do we are still children of God and joint heirs with Jesus. We are always in Christ, so God never stops loving us. He can't help but love us.
Grace and peace in Christ,
Karen
I meditate and try to stay in touch with nature and with the people who are important to me.
For me, I try to find something else to stress