Wednesday, August 27, 2008
-
I'd Rather Live For Myself, Thanks.
While browsing through my personal Xanga's archives, I came across the last real entry I wrote before resorting to picture posts and laziness in updating. This section in particular caught my eye:
I used to tell myself that it was all about attitude - that if I approached a situation with a positive attitude, I would come out successful, or at least be able to think positively about my failures. I told myself that things always work themselves out, and if not, it's up to me to adapt and develop a good attitude. What I try so hard to deny, however, is that I don't WANT to have to develop a good attitude. I don't WANT to think positively about my failures. I don't want to TRY to be optimistic. Honestly, I'd rather just win. I'm immature and therefore become jealous of people who have it all NOW. I'm tired of working for my happiness, and I'm tired of building character.
You'd think that in the year (361 days, to be exact) since I wrote that entry, I would have matured from my obvious bitterness at the time, but my natural unwillingness to do the right thing or improve myself has only become more obvious with age.
Last night, I wrestled with God, so to speak. I've often prayed that He will help me develop some integrity or to become a better person, but the more I face situations where I know what the right thing is, the less I really want to step up. And even after I do it, I still feel angry because I did not get my way. My immature understanding of God lends itself to my resentment and blaming Him for every reward I think I deserve, but do not get, for doing the right thing.
It pains me to realize that I've reached a point where I really don't want to do the right thing anymore. It's not even a case of "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" ... cuz my spirit flat-out doesn't want to be godly at all. I don't want to be honest, because I'll get blasted for it. I don't want to give people the benefit of a doubt, because they'll use my trust. I don't want to be generous with my belongings, because people will take advantage of me. I don't want to serve others, because they might start depending on me. I don't want to share the gospel, because people will think I'm a delusional freak.
"When did this happen, God?" I asked. "I didn't use to be this worldly or miserable!" I brought up the times in high school when my friends would ask me for spiritual advice, while telling me that I am the person they can always rely on for "God stuff." Then I think about now, when I can hardly quote scripture anymore and when my heart's desires are in no way aligned with God's. For awhile, I gave up on even reading the Bible, because I've forgotten how to navigate it. Even when praying beforehand that the Holy Spirit would teach me something through what I read, I found nothing, and so quit.
I sometimes ask myself why I even bother doing the right thing or following God's commands. What if God's not even real? What if my encounters with Him are something my subconscious just cooked up to put my heart at ease? Suppose this is all for nothing, and that the eternity I fix my eyes on does not even exist? And still, despite all my doubts, something (however small) compels me to pursue God's commands, and to persevere in the Word.
So I opened my Bible to a random page and landed in 2 Corinthians.
"Yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves to regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter." 2 Corinthians 7:9-11.
Through this passage, God taught me to take joy in my sorrow, because my sorrow is from Him. Without God, I'm in no way a spiritually apt person. Sure, I'm way more selfish and bitter now than I was before, but the difference is that I actually kind of...care. In the past, my spiritual incubation in an evangelical community couldn't show me a life without God in the outside world. I thought I was a good Christian then, but I just didn't know any better. In college, God's revealed the full scope of my humanity, and I now fully acknowledge that everything I do basically has a selfish motive. On my own terms, I really DON'T want to do anything the Bible says...which makes it all the more of a great testimony when I follow God's commands wholeheartedly.
Maybe someday, I'll learn to find joy in doing the right thing again. Presently I still do it (occasionally), but very begrudgingly, and with a lot of complaining afterward.
The desire to follow God's will, and to take joy in it, is a gift, and one that I most likely do not have right now...but for the time being, I am joyful for the gift of God's sorrow.
"No that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God." - 2 Corinthians 3:5.Do you find joy in following God's commands?
-
recommend
- recs 3
- give stars
- votes 2
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (16)
it's hard. im at a stage where i wanna do what I want to do
it's difficult not to be selfish.
I find joy in obeying God only after I find joy in Him personally.
I don't just get excited about doing the right things. It has to be because I love Him.
For me, it starts with enjoying God, and when I'm with Him, He changes me so that I want to do things I wouldn't normally ever want to do. I don't work at it a lot or strive really hard to be perfect. What I work hard for is running after God and getting in His presence.
Because I'm a physical touch person, for me enjoying God means sitting on His lap and being held in His arms. My flesh doesn't want to press into God, but when I do, my heart is filled with pleasure and joy. I used to be scared of being with Him, but I am learning more and more about His unconditional love for me.
My experiences of closeness lead to a desire to please Him like a tiny little girl wants to please her daddy. Sure, my finger paintings aren't very impressive-my Bible reading and servanthood and etc.-but God is a very loving dad, and He treasures every picture I paint for Him.
I believe honesty with God is the first step, and I believe motivation comes from Him, not from ourselves. If you want to change, He will delight to help you. He already adores and delights in you as his little girl. You can't do one thing to make Him love you any more or any less, and you won't find anything better than the high of being in His presence.
I find joy in it because I know I am doing the right thing, though often it can be a mixed bag. If I ever feel upset about my decision, or angry because it wasn't the one I wanted to make, I remind myself I am doing it for God, not for me. It isn't always easy, but then again, a Christian's life never is.
Wow, that sounds so much like me it's scary. I've always heard that if you pray for patience, expect to be given opportunities to grow your patience. This works in most areas, I think. God doesn't grant free virtues upon request (unless you count wisdom), but He will answer your prayer.
this sounds like me as well. i'm still trying to figure out and accept what He's telling me to do. part of me doesn't hear Him talking, part of me knows what He's saying and just ignores it because it is temporarily uncomfortable. its a journey, and i'm getting there. eventually. i believe His first command is to be patient. and once i get over that hump (which is dragging out to be a very long process), perhaps i'll get to the second command...
doing the right thing, even unwillingly, says something about your character. There are many times when it's easiest to do what you want, and the times when you don't...that shows growth.
Pickwick12@xanga said it very well. Though when it comes down to it, its hard journey, but a good one. I testify that from experience. I went from a hopeless Christian for 21 years of my life to a hope-filled Christian....and I'm 22. Honesty with God is key....but you must offer yourself to be changed. David's Laments were honest heartfelt cries....but he always recognized who God was and realized his own depravity. God is faithful to all who call upon him in truth.
"'I didn't use to be this worldly or miserable!'"
The two don't have to be synonymous. Being miserable and bitter, no matter if one is a christian or not, is many times a result of letting the external (things we can't control or other people) play too much of a role in determine our mood or how we will act. It might not be easy (since some people might have some extremely difficult external factors have a significant impact on their life), but sometimes it is just best to concentrate on the areas in life that we have control over and shrug off what we cannot control (ex. If someone thinks you're are loony because you are doing something that brings you satisfaction and brings purpose to your life, why let what they think affect you. They are entitled to their opinion, and you shouldn't try to force them to change it, but why let someone else's opinion dictate how you are suppose to act and feel?)
I know, i know, everything I said is alot easier in theory than in practice. I think it's just something healthy for everyone to think about.
Gosh. Ur entry causes me to see myself in it. I guess all the selfishness sometimes are because we look forward into being a perfectionist, which is definitely not a good thing to do. We should think of God in the first place in every situation that we encounter. Though it is tough at times, but we just have to have God in mind all the time.
You wrestled with God? Did you win? If so, you get a new name and eventually you'll get a country named after you that all the countries around you will hate and bomb.
**The Discouraged Season**
What your going through is mOST dEFINITELY THE sEASON THat everyone is going through if not all, then some of what your saying up there right now at this very moment. I am going through a similar situation, except Ive been doing everything God has told me to do, but still deal with doubts and double mindedness, and impatince on what step he wants me to go to next.
As I read your blog, I can only encourage you b/c we are almost at the same boat in ways. Its a hard lesson in dying to our will completely and COMPLETELY having faith and trusting God to be the full manager over all our affairs emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually in our lives, but it has to be done, or we will stay in a state of disfunction and dissatisfaction, but still also can be very discouraging.
I thought I would never go through a season in my life that God would reveal to me so much stuff I still yet needed to give and yield to him that I thought I did or he had taken care of in some way because, (same as you) me being the one that encouraged everyone from every age, at every hour given, any and every event, situation and circumstance whether at church or at home or at a parking lot, since God called so much for me to do daily,I thought I had it covered, until God put me in a more difficult season than before on who he wants me to become, removing old wine and turning into new. He basicly has me going through these spells of discomfort and discouragement for an ultimate realization to show me that I need to get closer to him to become everything he wants me to be, allowing him to remove what I thought was me into his image (this is an ongoing, life long process for everyone). Instead of so many complaints, and afterwards feeling more defeated, I find I have to devote myself to prayer and pouring out to God, even If I don't want to or feel like it,so that any unforgivness, bitterness, resentment, or hurt I might have towards anyone or God can be removed and healed from me and so that God can hear me when I speak, ultimately getting me and God closer.You can voice your complaint, no matter how harsh we think it is: Job 7v11: "Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
and I had to devote myself in reading his word to give me comfort and strength to make it and to renew my spirit so it wont be wearry. Not rely on no one else but him. I feel like those 2 things (Prayer and Word) can effectively get your spirit stamina back flowing to God's direction.
"This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith." 1 John 5v2-4
I also liked hearing other peoples testimonies on how they got through a similar season, it helps you to know your not alone.Alone times in Praise and Worship with God are great helps as well, and defintely releases the emotional oppression ans strain.
**I encourage you to not give up on God and his plan, for it is a perfect one, whether we want to believe it now or not, but God knows whats best for us. Just Breathe in God's Presence all around you, and evetaully, you'll find your first love again;) :
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose.Romans 8v28
Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
and take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
Selah -Psalm 61v1-5
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
-Psalm 71v20-21
and Always Rememebr: Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."
I pray this helps your spirit ;)
FaItH, lOvE, and PeACE
I yearn for God because I know how incomplete I am without him. Without God's Spirit in my life I notice how animalistic I become. A mere creature. As if my smallness is magnified. But I yearn for him to feel his love within me towards me. I am changed. My biggest prayer is that he will not let me go. Because it is my nature to let him go. It is true. "Like a deer that panteth for the water, my soul longs for you." I do not like my condition without God. And yet I take for granted his love if I am not careful.
But I cry out in pain when I pull back. The truth is I love him deeply. I just don't know it till I leave him.
You've stated that you didn't "want to be honest, because I'll get blasted for it. I don't
want to give people the benefit of a doubt, because they'll use my
trust. I don't want to be generous with my belongings, because people
will take advantage of me. I don't want to serve others, because they
might start depending on me. I don't want to share the gospel, because
people will think I'm a delusional freak." It sounds like you didn't want to do these things because there seemed to be no "reward," at least not at that time. You felt like you were being used. I felt like that, too, and feel that even now (but only sometimes).
But, you know what? It says in the Bible (I can't quote scripture yet, so I'll roughly paraphrase) but I do remember some bits) that if one loves and gives to a person who can return it back, then they will return it, and that will be your reward. But if one gives to a person/people who cannot return it, Your Father in Heaven will see it, and He Himself will reward you instead. Isn't that great? Besides, His rewards are always far better than the rewards which come from this sinful earth, which gives according to its standards of what it thinks you should want. He, however, knows not only what you want, but what you NEED-- and will give it to you.
From the sound of it you're backtracking and trying to tack on the right attitude. Just a though: He does not live for us; we live for Him. I hope that you will persist in your search for God and get to a point where your selfishness would be so cured that you will understand this statement, and accept this, with a glad and repentant heart.
Thank you for the post-- in a future time when I might be discouraged, I will most definitely try to remember that godly sorrow does produce such traits...
We like to think of ourselves as people in bubbles. At least I do.
I like to plan things on my own, and interact with people so that my faith and my thoughts of God stay in my bubble. That way no one is turned-off or offended by my beliefs.
But closing those doors to others also means that you aren't giving God the chance to speak to you through them.
I just this week began opening up some of my plans to God, and also began talking to people about them. *Shock!* And that was difficult to do, even though these were my closest friendships. I told them that I actually wasn't going to continue in my current academic field, but pursue theology in my graduate work.
And then the next thing I know, several times over several days - in conversations with people who don't even know me in some cases - the topic of priestly vocations came up. It was like God was waiting for me to open that door to Him, and now he wasn't about to let me shut it again. Not without knowing his view on the matter.
So, yes, I understand how difficult it can be to expose yourself in such an intimate way. I know all of the insecurities. (That said, I have no idea how I am going to succeed if the priesthood is truly my vocation.) But I do know, a little now, how He longs for us to cast these cares aside for love of Him.
I find joy in following God's commands, it is then when I am truly happy. Losing the will to follow God's commands is a scary thing. I would liken it unto the parable where the seed was sown in the ground, and gave appearance of life, yet when the sun came out it was scorched.
The Bible strongly warns against bitternes. Today it is a popular thing to revel in it, and to be a conflicted emo. Today we treat life as if it is some thing that God owes to us to go smoothly, and when it doesn't we cry like little babies, throwing a fit.
What about people that die early of some horrible cancer or something? And we sit here and get all bent out of shape because we didn't get the girl or the grade or the new car we wanted? Even if we die, hey at least we know the Lord, and will be happy for eternity... ah, but no, we don't think of that, we brush it aside because after all, God owes it to us to be our cosmic bellboy here and now.
I saw this not to be rude, I get upset at myself when I fall into this trap. I think we all at times just need to wake up and smell the coffee sometimes. But if we dwell on our bitterness, the less and less we will be able to bounce back. And if we keep on in that direction, it may prove that we were never saved truly in the first place, because true salvation is not repeating the sinners prayer or having good spiritual emotions and experiences.... it is having a renewed heart through regeneration of the Holy Spirit that has a lasting effect on our lives, and if we stray from Him, that nature in side of us will bring us back to him. This is "the root" in the parable... to truly have Christ, to be given a new heart, the "good ground" and to have the root driven deeply ionto the soil, so that when the hot sun of tribulation comes, we are not burned up.