Thursday, September 04, 2008
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Advice Needed: I Don't Know How to Leave My Family's Church
by revelife crew
We receive quite a few messages from people asking for help with certain issues, and often times, we're not sure how to relate or answer the person's question - which is where you guys come in! Every Thursday, we feature a reader's problem and leave it open for you guys to offer your two cents. Please feel free to message us here for advice! It can be about anything from family, relationships, devotional life or struggles in faith. Don't worry, we'll keep you anonymous. Today's advice post:
My family's belonged to a small local church for a number of years now. My parents got married there, my siblings and I were all baptized there, and each of us have regularly volunteered to help out with a number of things, whether it be singing in the church choir, passing around the offering, setting up/cleaning, or contributing to church events. The pastor and his family have had dinner with us a few times, and of course, we've befriended a lot of the other families.
To be honest, however, the church doesn't really click with me. I kind of just went along with it while growing up, but now that I've matured in my faith and made Christian friends outside of this church, I realize that there might be a better place for me elsewhere. I've visited a couple of other church services when staying over with them, and I think I'd like to see how it goes if I "church-hop" for myself. I don't have my heart set on any particular church right now, but I can't shake the feeling that my family's church isn't right for me...I can't get into the worship, I disagree somewhat with the sermons, and I'm really tired of the forced friendliness since I'm not that close to anyone in church right now.
I know I should bring this up with my parents, and while I'm sure they won't force me to stay, I think they'd be a little disappointed...and I don't want to bring church gossip onto them, since I'm sure people will notice I'm gone and we'll run into church people elsewhere anyway. Like I said, we've been so involved in that church for such a long time that my leaving could make it awkward for my parents and siblings. And then there's the issue of my not agreeing with their church's way of doing things, which could cause tension....
How would you approach the situation? I'm fairly intent on moving out of state in two years, so maybe I should just stick it out...but I really feel like I could be using those two years' worth of Sundays in a better way.
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Comments (31)
Personally, I'm going to say something that may SOUND blatantly obvious, but it's not. Pray. This is one of those situations where you have to go where God's leading you. And it could very well be that God is leading you to another place of worship. If that's the case, I wouldn't worry too much about rumors being spread or what not... and I hope your parents wouldn't either. It's not your problem or your parents'... it's the rumor mill's problem.
But above all be honest. Be honest in prayer, with yourself and with your family. What don't you agree with? Search Scripture and find out if perhaps what you don't agree with is there. Because more often than not, God's answers are going to come straight out of His Word.
And I say this as someone who has been "church hopping" for a year and a half. It's a process I'm quite familiar with...
well my 2 cents worth is this, Let God lead if your not comfortable at your familys church there is a reason for it but make sure that your not leaving because there is sin in your life but rather because you know God is leading you elsewhere
I don't know what you should do, but I do know that relationships are the only thing on this earth that will stay with us through eternity. Your relationship with your family and the people who have invested in you at your church are more important than comfort. If moving on would bring damage to those relationships, especially in your family, I would be extremely cautious about going forward. Your conviction better be strong that you need to look elsewhere.
My other caution is that if God is calling out from somewhere, it's because He wants you somewhere else--meaning, be on the look out for where He wants you to serve rather than on a church body that fits your personality.
Finally, I would exhort you that if you do feel called to leave your current church, do so in a manner that honors their leadership this far in your life and in a way that shows your church you are still honoring and respecting your parents. If you're old enough to rationally disagree with your parents, you're old enough to have a conversation with them about your disagreements. Find a way to explain without attacking or being defensive. Listen, really listen, to their input. I would personally consider writing a letter to the pastor of your church explaining your thoughts as well and welcoming his input. That way, no one feels like you just "ran out" or defected (hehe). It's important to end relationships well, whenever possible, because you never know when you may have to re-enter those relationships.
I hope all that made sense.
~V
@TheMarriedFreshman@xanga - I think that you pretty much nailed the hammer on the head.
@hubbaduh@xanga - Thanks.
@TheMarriedFreshman@xanga - "Finally, I would exhort you that if you do feel called to leave your current church, do so in a manner that honors their leadership this far in your life and in a way that shows your church you are still honoring and respecting your parents."
That was MY answer! LOL (good one, sista)
Have you let your church leaders know how you feel? My recommendation is to be more vocal if you want change. If you just leave, they won't know that they have some major issues to clear up. There are probably more people like you who feel the same way, but just going along with the crowd and accepting a church because it is easy is no way to go. It is hard to go it alone--I realize that, but you have your pal Jesus and maybe some others who can stick up for you. Everyone, everywhere should stand up for what they believe in and stop letting the status quo dominate life and culture. Amen.
My entire family left the church we grew up in and oh their reactions proved to me that it was NOT the church for me. If your relationship is at risk because you choose another Godly Bible believing church, then what kind of relationships do you have and what kind of church do you attend? When someone leaves a church they react like it's all personal....if you attend church to serve God you will never take personal when or why someone would choose quietly and peacefully to leave!
Talk to your pastor about your disagreements with the church. If it's a church where there's membership involved, you (I assume) promised to submit to it's leadership, which means you can't just get up and walk out without at least letting the pastor know why. Make sure you know what you disagree with theologically and why it is that you're leaving. We can't simply adopt a consumeristic attitude towards God and move from church to church because you can't "get into the worship." Where, pray tell, in scripture are we commanded to seek out a place of worship based on it's entertainment value, or our particular likes and dislikes? We are to seek out a place that preaches Christ and Him crucified, so if you're church is proclaiming the truth faithfully, you should stay. Worship is not a particular style of music, it's an attitude of the heart. And yes, pray. Pray for wisdom and humility.
So, pretty much ditto to everything that's been said so far. Great comments; I'm impressed!
I'll add one thing: My current church admittedly has its share of flaws, and it's not suited to my "ideal" in every respect. But it's amazing how much better it's become since I made the decision to formally commit to it. Of course, what's changed is not the church itself but my attitude about it.
As long as I was looking for a church that would suit my needs, I was focusing on the flaws, but once I said "This is where the Lord has put me, for better or worse," I started finding ways to help and encourage people and made my experience there a lot better.
Of course not all experiences will be the same (there are valid reasons to leave in certain situations), but there's my latest one.
@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - Great comment. I agree that you'll never find the perfect church, and if you think you have, well..you just ruined it by joining. The point is that this side of heaven everything is flawed. The church is filled with sinners like you and me. Yes, we've been justified by Christ, but we still sin which makes everything, including worship (praise, prayer, and preaching), imperfect. Come Lord Jesus, come! Until then, we have to bear with each other in love.
@catherine - Yes, I've been to that church in the past... at least, they told me everything was perfect until I ruined it by joining.
Seriously though, I'm afraid the "no perfect church" line has been kind of spoiled for me because
I've seen some churches use it as an excuse not to make anything better. ("Your emotionally abusive preaching is driving families apart!" "Well, there's no such thing as a perfect church!")
But I do agree completely with your conclusions: if we want people to bear with our shortcomings and love us, we should be prepared to bear with their shortcomings and love them.
I like what R. A. Torrey had to say: "If you don't like your church, pray that God will make it better."
I've been here before... I actually wrote a book about it. Seriously, I did.
My first piece of advice would be to pray on the matter. Ask God where He would have you to be. You want to be sure that you aren't just seing the grass as greener on the other side.
Secondly, I would suggest that you try to visit other chruches during times that won't affect your present obligations. Kinda test the water out for a while. Then, if you find someplace that you feel the Lord is leading you to - tell your parents that God has called you to another place of worship but please - leave on good terms. Depending on your relationship with the pastor, I would even suggest telling him that you are being led to see new things. I'm sure he'll understand and pray that God will order your steps.
I would defiantely suggest that you talk to your parents and siblings about this. I'm sure they won't want to see you go but will understand that your relationship and growth in the Lord are more important that their contentment.
I pray that God's will be done and that He gives you peace about this.
@Pass_the_Aura@xanga - emotionally abusive preaching. I've heard it all. I've been preached at, preached about, preached on and then asked if I enjoyed the sermon after service. Although we want people to have mercy and be patient with us, there is only so much abuse we should have to take. God's grace is sufficient and we can get through it but Christ died so that we could have life and have it more abundantly.
I've seen and experienced so much of this spiritual abuse that I actually wrote a book about it. Check me out on the web and visit my other blog.
www.waterplantgrowth.com
@Over_my_coffee_cup@xanga - Amen! Very well said. Do you mind if I borrow that line? (lol) www.waterplantgrowth.com
@Papillon_Mom@xanga - Does it make you sad - the church hoping? I've been doing it for a few months but God made it clear that it was time for me to leave. He just hasn't told me where the next stop is and I feel a little "unstable" at times. I want to participate in church activities but I know I can't commit myself.
www.waterplantgrowth.com visit me on the web sometime.
@nita105 - I'd be honored! =)
As a child (even though you may be feeling pretty grown up), your first responsibility is to be obedient to your parents in the Lord. I would encourage you to talk with your parents about your concerns. I'm guessing they may understand more than you think and may also have some of the same concerns.
You wrote: I can't shake the feeling that my family's church isn't right for me.
So often we are tempted to pick a church based on what we think is right for "me." But we must remember that what's important is what God thinks is right for each of us. Perhaps God wants you to stay right where you out of love for Christ and obedience to Him. God often has us remain in places we wouldn't choose in order to stretch us and to grow our faith. But His grace is always sufficient for us.
Remember that God has placed you in this particular part of the Body of Christ, so for as long as you are there, God has a purpose for you there. Ask Him to show you how He might want you to serve at your current church and then be looking for opportunities to do so.
If you're not feeling fed at your current church, there are plenty of good sermons online, books, etc. you can be reading.
And as @nita105 said, our tendency is to believe the grass is always greener in another church, but not long after we're there we begin to see the bare spots and weeds.
wow, your situation sounds very closely like mine. i am sure i am quite a bit older than you so it's not quite the same. however this is what i did. when i left my lifelong church for reasons that were between me and God. i too felt God was leading me into serving in another church and different style of ministry. i had lot's of friends who felt like i had abandoned them and i was off my rocker! many were offended and angry at me. i left without saying a word at the time. after about a year. those who truly were my friends (i knew this cause even though they were wigged out about my leaving they still remained my friends), i felt it was time to tell them why i left. oh, i'm sure they were expecting to hear an earful of gossip, or how i disliked the teaching, or the music or was angry about something, but that is not at all what i delivered to them. i told them this. "I love you all very much and my leaving the church that i had attended for so many years had nothing to do with any one thing or any person. it had everything to do with my relationship with God. my reason is personal, it is between me and God. i feel that God would not want me to share what He has laid on my heart for fear that it would stir you into doing something that may not be God's best for you. we are all created equally by God, however God has given us all idividual gifts and talents. i believe that God has led me to serve Him in another church.....another ministry. I love you guys and respect you and i always will." those words changed their spirits immediately. it opened their eyes to how God works in an individual's life, and how personal it is. they were no longer wigged out by my leaving, in fact they support me and encourage me every chance they get. my personal cheerleaders is what i call them. i now serve excitedly as the director of women in a large (large to me anyway) church that is what they call.....a seeker's church. there are about 300 women
God bless you as you journey, my thoughts and more importantly my prayers are with you.
When I married and moved 255 miles away transfering my membership was the hardest thing for me. The only difference is that I left on good terms so to speak. (I was married) I completely agree with the advise to PRAY! You can not depend on feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they are just feelings. They change with the day, events, and cycles. No guarentees there. Seek the Holy Bible for the fundamental beliefs that the church has. Including the ones you are looking at. If their fundamental beliefs do not have several scriptures in context that support what they are, you do not want to be a part of that church no matter who good it makes you feel. God says He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So I can assure you that He knows what He wants in the church. Open communication is a sign of maturity. As far as the rumors, if there is some about you it is only because they ran out of other stuff. You will only be convient for them. You are not causing the rumors only their immuture spiritual life. Pray for them and for your family. I will be praying for you.
Just say you don't want to go anymore. The best thing you can do is a) be civil and b) think about why you want to leave enough that you can defend your position should they question it.
I've been in this situation before (again just recently 4 months ago). I was very invloved in this church, and all of a sudden I felt this urge of needing to leave. Me being naive, I was thinking "eh, I'm Trippin, I LoVe this, I neeD to help that", until God started revealing to me things spiritually the way the church was heading in the natural, then I KNEW with flashing red lights time was up, but I was actively in the whole ministry, and mind you all my best friends (13yrs and running) had all joined there in seperate times, I was cool w/ the Pastor, had a incresing compassion for the people,all this, but I coudnt fight what I felt in my spirit. So 5 MONTHS LATER I wound up leaving and it did start a big controversy btwn my friends and the Pastor/wife there, but I feel ABSOLUTELY AWESOME, for following God. I thank God for knowing me and leading me to the right direction he wanted me to go.
I'm Saying this: I would have never felt that way I feel now spiritaully, mentally, emotionally, if I would have stayed for emaotional tie reasons. My best friends are like my family, sisters, and at first it was really hard for me to understand why God wanted me to leave, but it has become so crystal clear for me. God has opened my eyes more in obeying him than I could ever imagine. I also realized that the best thing I can do for anyone who isn't in agreement of God's will for my life is pray for them, because God spoke clearly to me one day and said "To each it's own path". Break Religion.Pray, and when God leads you to do whatever action it is, Praise God for him knowing his perfect will for you more than you can know whats good for yourself ;)
We were somewhat in this situation as well. It wasn't the actual church that we didn't click with, but all the people we grew up with went away for college, and are either going to different churches or not going to church at all. And then we got married, and had a kid. There was no one at our church in our age range, and there were no other kids in our church, so that made it a bit hard to relate to anyone. And then we moved, which made our commute much longer, and having to get to church early (Hubby does worship leading) was really hard with a young one. Another thing was that there was absolutely no parking, sometimes people circled around for an hour (if that), or you'd have to pay $10 for parking at a lot. We slowly checked out churches, and then let people know that we were transferring our membership. Some people made it seem like we would never see each other again until heaven. We still plan to go back sometime because both our parents are there, and my grandma live close to the area where the church is and I'd have to go visit her. There have been many people who have left our church to go to other ones, and I know that there is church gossip about that kind of thing. I don't understand why it is a bad thing that if a particular church isn't a right fit for someone and it's hindering their growth that they attend another church. Attending another church was a difficult decision for us, esp me because I grew up in that church, and I'm sure it is for most people who do switch. I think it's only a bad thing if they leave church for good. I would pray about, and talk to your family or the pastor. I'm not sure if this helps at all, but good luck with everything.
Just sneak out the back, Jack; make a new plan, Stan; you don't need to be coy, Roy; just set yourself free.
Actually, I think SandraDeeDees said it best - discuss it with the leaders so they'll have an opportunity to examine their leadership (make sure you have suggestions as to how to do things better), hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
If your parents are willing to deal with gossip and innuendo in order to stay that's their business. To me its just further proof that the environment is toxic and getting worse. When its not safe to discuss one's problems with the way things are going its not safe, and its time to leave.