Wednesday, September 10, 2008
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The Little Girl That I Hate
by miss poppy
I feel like the little girl again.
The little girl with the dirty, tear-streaked face.
Sometimes it's a memory or words I hear or read that trigger the feelings. I think they're all gone, but then they're back. The feelings that make me want to cover myself and hide so that no one can find me in so much vulnerability.
I have made progress. I used to hate the little girl, but now I want to shield her. I don't want anyone to see her that way. So forlorn, so alone, so cold.
I know that these feelings are a blessing, an opportunity, an invitation to let Him into places I don't even normally go myself. Places that I can't access just any time, that I can't even usually find.
It's easier to let Him in than it used to be, but still I cut it short. I often run away when He starts to work.
I want to deny her existence, this weak little girl. I want to push her away and re-convince myself and the world that I am Not Her. That I have made myself into something else. Even spiritually, I want to show God where to look, to redirect His gaze to the person I am now, the person I see myself as.
But His gaze is stubborn. He keeps looking back and using these triggers to point at her, as she sits alone and cries. He invites me not only to bring her to Him, for I have tried that. What He wants is for me to return to her and then to let Him in.
Because I've never really left, as much as I wanted to.
She is at the core of who I am, begging to be looked at and loved for who she is. She is me, though I have tried to distance myself from her.
I have dulled the ache of her tears in many ways, but she will not be silenced.
I have felt that she did not deserve love, that her tears were just punishment. And so I have punished myself. I have also felt that her tears could be silenced by anger, and so I filled her with rage. But she just keeps crying. So I tried to forget her, but she kept intruding in little ways, messing up the success I thought I had.
The thing is, it comes down to trusting Him. I do not like this little girl. I do not believe she deserves love. I do not see anything desirable in her. But He does. I don't understand that. I don't even want it sometimes; I want Him to hit her and tell her all of the angry things I feel about her. But He doesn't, and He won't. For some reason, He loves her. He loved her back in the days when I looked like her, and He has loved her ever since, even as I have changed outwardly. She is who I am, and even though I cannot understand why, I am loved completely. Will I ever really let Him show her?
Have you ever struggled with self-hatred? Do you keep parts of yourself from God?
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Comments (23)
Self-hatred is a momentary lapse or phase everyone experiences. It is only when we dwell there that problems arise.
Do not hate the little girl. Become her. Become an infant and you will know.
Hate is such an extreme emotion: reject extremes. Between beauty and ugliness, how great is the distinction?
@SandraDeeDees@xanga - For me, it's a momentary phase lasting about 20 years. But now I'm being healed by God, and it's amazing.
@misspoppy - To know is devine. At least you weren't heeled by God. Just jk.
But have you become the girl, the infant? From your post, it would appear there is still some healing to occur. STAT!
I know how you feel.
i'm sorry.
Wow. I felt like I could have written your words. I understand friend, and I pray we both find healing.
God wants all of us. not just every person, but every part of every person. all of you. to be turned into the person you are meant to be for the glory of Christ. this verse always, like always encourages me to look to God for all i need. John 6:67-68 please read it.
This post was much needed on my end. I'm struggling as of late with the same thing, only opposite...I am clinging on to that little girl because I'm not quite sure how I feel about who I am now. Anyway, this is a truly beautiful post, in all senses of the word. It IS incredible that God loves us in spite of AND because of who we are or who we were!
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14.
I read that verse a couple years ago and began to cry and cry because I could only see my sin, my unworthiness, my mistakes, my flaws, my weaknesses. We need to ask God to help us to see ourselves as He sees us pure, holy and spotless, covered with Christ's blood and robe of righteousness. And we need to remember that the parts of us we despise or those times in our lives we wish never happened, He wants to redeem them all.
And as we read through Psalm 139 we can see that nothing which has happened to us came as a surprise to God. It all came through His sovereign hand, and for those who love Him and are the called according to His purpose it will all work for good and for His glory.
At times, we can't see it, but we need to trust His Word to us by faith (Heb. 11:1) and trust that He is for us (Romans 8:31-32).
wow, . . . I find myself, even still, her. Still with the blank stare on her face, wondering, lost, hurt, but not about to let anyone know. Yet, her older 'ness' is pounding on the other side trying to find a door in. I 've begged, sat, prayed, rebelled, all to get to her, and she won't respond. There are hidden things there, and I don't know what they are, but it's pale and empty.
Your question, "do you keep parts of yourself from God?"my question, "is it possible to not have not have the ability to open up to Him, in those areas?"I can relate so much to this post. But I guess for me, I have always felt like He could see everything so there is no point in hiding it. But the shame and guilt I felt for being the little girl didn't go away. It was as if He knew what I had done / felt / been through and I couldn't hide it no matter how hard I wanted to. In the last year or so, I've begun to heal, and find forgiveness for those that were around me then. I am certainly not there yet, but it's getting better, maybe even easier for me to forgive. I just realized (as I'm typing this) that I haven't forgiven myself yet, and that's why I still feel the pain of that little girl. But He is working on me, I'll get to that point eventually.
i agree with mom4him@xanga: i don't think it has ever occured to me that i could hide aspects of myself from Him. despite the weak parts of me that i resent, i know that He loves those parts just as much as the beautiful and intelligent parts. I may hide that sad little girl inside me from the world, from my family and friends (who've only seen glimpses if that of her), but I could never hide it from God. For God is the one giving me songs of comfort, sending me advice through others, and lending me precious moments in nature and with my cats when that little girl inside me steps outside of me.
We have a God that is so great and who handcrafted us perfectly into his likeness. In a way, self-hatred is something like a temptation or like the devil whispering in your ear "you're no good, nobody loves you..." but this lie isn't true because there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Sometimes you may choose to believe this lie, but it is important to realize what the lie is or what its from when it comes to you.
dear Miss poppy,
I too know that feeling. I'd say that little girl inside me is more like a charred demonic looking creature with broken wings and sadd little demon eyes, swinging from pain to anger. I struggled to love her, but most of the time i tried to leave her on a backburner thinking if I focused on the now nad the future, she'd naturally get better. But, it doesn't work liek that. like you said, she's always there, and the more u ignore her, the more pained she is, but then again, when u try to lvoe her, u don't know how to bc it's just so painful. Luckily, God has been so good to me. I've taken it to Him (with a lot of kicking and cursing and hate) to release me from that anger and to set me on the path of healing. He is magnificient, I pray that you find Him for that little girl inside you, who deserves everything. HEre is a bible verse that helped me alot, check out Joel 2:25.
God bless you.
*raises hand* I hear you.
I just wrote a post about how i used to hate myself, earlier this week.
I used to feel the way you did and I pray that you see that the pain that little girl feels can be healed. We owe to the child in us.
God bless.
@misspoppy - I wish you all the best throughout you're healing process. God bless. I will be praying for you.
That picture is making me so sad.
@izakura@xanga - Thank you very much! It's hard, but God is so good to me. He always saves me when I feel like I'm at the edge of crazy.
@punchdrunkdaisy@xanga - Great verse. I hadn't thought about it that way. Thanks.
Wow, kinda what I needed to read. I can be totally fine and then
when something happens/triggers some of my deepest fears (like not
amounting much to anything, and being plain stupid) I break down. Just
when you think you have things figured out something happens to remind
you of your weakness- a blessing and a curse. For when you are weak you
relay on God's strength. And at this point I don't have any confidence
in my abilites or who I am as a human being- I only have confidence in
God. He's bigger than my mistakes or anything else that comes my way.
Thanx for your post and your honesty!
Thank you for this entry...
You wrote everything I've been feeling lately, but more perfectly than I could have.
Really, thank you.