Tuesday, September 23, 2008
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Relationships: We Want to Get Married But Faith of Our Families Is Causing Conflict
My significant other and I want to get married. There's just one thing that's become an obstacle for us: his family doesn't believe in God. And now that we're having the more serious marriage talks, this problem is becoming more real to us.
In our culture, you're one of two religions: Christian or Shamanist. Even if you don't believe in either one, your family dictates which one you are (physically and ritualistically.) My boyfriend has been a Christian for about a year and a half now. I grew up in a Christian family so I don't really know what it's like to live in a family who doesn't believe in God.
Now that we're seriously talking about marriage, the faith of our families has now come into conflict with our plans. In our culture, weddings consists of three parts that are very cultural and include both sides of the families and extended family. The first and the third part of the wedding includes alcohol and drinking. Depending on what religion you are constitutes how much you will drink at the wedding. There's also a lot of negotiating that goes on at the wedding. The families negotiate who's going to pay what for the wedding, who's going to do what part of the wedding, and so on. Depending on how much money the groom's side of the family gives to help the couple get married also determines how much the couple owes the family back after the wedding and possibly for the rest of their lives. Our culture is very much about pride in one's family and clan, etc.
Our problem arises from these aspects of the wedding. Since we are Christians, we don't participate in the rituals of the Shamanist religion. (Rituals can consist of anything from parts of the wedding to baby's birth to sickness and health, etc. there is a ritual for certain things that call on the spirits in the afterworld to intervene. The religion includes sacrificing animals, tying strings to wrists, etc.) Anyway, because we are Christians, it is against our faith to practice such rituals.
However, if the groom's side of the family helps out with a lot of money and other things for the wedding, we will later owe it to his side of the family to participate in those kinds of things. They are also expecting that we put the family before our faith and if family calls us to participate in rituals, they will ask us to put our religion aside so that we can partake in the ceremonies and rituals.
We are torn about this because there's no way that we would ever give up God to please his side of the family. However, it's difficult for my significant other to reject his family after all that they'll have done for us with the wedding. It's hard to "make them understand" because our culture is very much about the culture and nothing else; a lot of pride and stubbornness occurs in our culture.
God commands us to put nothing else before Him in His very first commandment, which includes your family, friends, and even your culture. I have faith that God will see us through these trials, but I know it will take a lot of prayer to endure those struggles in the first place. Sometimes it seems like it would make life so much easier to follow the world and give up God, but I know that without God my life would be nothing. I know that we have no option but to trust in God and let God lead.
Has your culture or family ever clashed with your faith and beliefs? How did you handle these challenges? Also, if you have any suggestions or words of encouragement for Miss Magnolia please share. Thanks revelifers!
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Comments (22)
i was in a similar situation - where family was a very strong influence. at many points it felt like i was constantly fighting with my family.
my wedding went through many strange turns - from a delay in the wedding, to last minute changes to the ceremony - amongst many other things.
in the end - looking back, my wife and i realized that all my parents ultimately wanted was us to be happy. no culture, personal belief, or social norm was going to challenge the love our parents and wanting our happiness.
i hope you press on - and good luck with this - and i'll be praying for you.
I didn't experience this in a marriage sense, but I did deal with someone very very close to me on this issue. If it's one thing I've learned it's that God should always be first. People may get hurt or upset by it, but like "chrischoi" said, I think that they just want you to be happy.
I hope everything works out for you, I'll keep you in my prayers :)
I definitely feel that pressure right now. My girlfriend and I are both believers after we started college. Our parents are still not saved. They are not anti-Christianity, but they definitely don't accept it as much as we want them to. I wonder too, sometimes, how our wedding will be in the future. Not to mention my gf and I are both English-speaking Chinese who attends a Korean Church (long story), so we don't really know any Chinese pastors who will host a wedding understandable for our parents... but I guess there is still at least a year or two before I actually proposed. Lord willing, everything will work out by then.
My parents - my mother especially - persecutes me greatly at times. She likes to suggest that I'm missing something because I've chosen a simple Christian lifestyle. She would rather have me frequenting the bars, drifting from boyfriend to boyfriend than going to weekly church and Bible study.
Something that could work for your wedding is this: if money is an issue, or not, have the church participate in putting on the wedding. That way, it is what you want it to be. Some of the ladies can help prepare the food, you could do the decorations yourself. I've seen it done a few times, and each time there is a great sense of community in the wedding. It's rather like a gift to the bride and groom.
A few of the more recent weddings I've been to were like this. A small church (maybe 60 people) all helped to put the wedding on. Musicians from the congregation played. The bride's family set up the church and reception furniture. The bride made the decorations. The bride's family bought frozen meats in bulk, cheese wheels and veggies, crackers and bread. It would save you tens of thousands of dollars, give everything a personal touch, and eliminate the chance of having your wedding be a host of paganism. Traditionally speaking, the bride's family puts on the ceremony - where I live, anyhow. It does take some time and work, but it is quite simple to do.
I hope everything works out for you.
would it be possible to take care of the finances without family involvement? it sounds so hard Miss M. and I do hope that things work out in the end!
I don't think mykid2 is correct when he/she says it wouldn't matter if Shamanist traditions enter into your wedding. It would not be "tolerating" another religion. It would be condoning worship of other 'gods'. As a Believer in Jesus Christ as your Savior, you can't do that. I like the idea of having the church help. If that is not possible, I suggest a small simple wedding that you can afford without being obligated to his family, even if that means having a pastor, and a handful of family and friends, a punch bowl and crackers at a reception in the church and then everyone leaves and you depart on your honeymoon. Whatever you have to do, do not make yourselves obligated to his family. That will have consequences for the rest of your life, physical and it seems spiritual also!
You've probably read this passage a dozen times ever since you've had this issue, but Ephesians 6:1-3 (emphasis added):
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"—which is the first commandment with a promise— "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
I don't think you can allow your wedding to be Shamanist, since that would be partaking in idolatry.
However, in Ephesians God seems to command that you honor your parents (on both sides) as long as that does not interfere with the will of God - and perhaps sadly, the ten commandments don't force any of us to get married. If it comes to the point where your boyfriend's parents will not accept any sort of Christian wedding at all, perhaps you might be better off waiting. Circumventing your parents with a small church wedding they're not invited to might aggravate them against Christianity or yourselves even more.
Just my superficial thoughts .... and I have no experience in these matters @.@
Elope! :)
well, do you see it as a day to honour/glorify God or something else?
the way i see it, no matter what you do, if you do it for God, God will turn it all for good. ask wisdom from God as to what to do... He'll give you an answer. pray according to james 1:5 and He'll show you what you need to do.
Although you will have a relationship with the family, your spouse is the one who you are marrying. You are lucky that both of you have similar religious values. You and your fiance should decide the ceremony and NOT your families. If they are expecting to make it their ceremony, kindly tell them it is YOUR wedding. If they pull out the money, so be it. You should never compromise your beliefs to please 'man'. God is the one you should be pleasing...and you both know that. If you let them tell you what to do and you end up doing something you do not want, you will always resent and regret it, not to mention that a bad precedent will have been set as to their power in your marriage.
i applaud your loyalty and good heart...i think you have already gotten your answer from God, just obey it....
I (mostly) agree with gingergram and shillyshara.
I realise that there are enormous cultural implications, and you will upset both families, but I think your best option is to go off, contact your church, and do the wedding yourselves. Whatever you can afford. My husband and I had a beautiful backyard wedding with about 60 people attending. We had what we call a "social" dinner; cold cuts, cheese, bread, fruit, and dainties. My parents bought a moderate amount of beer and champagne. It was wonderful.
Invite both sets of parents, and accept their decision if they decline. You can't change their culture or their beliefs through arguing with them about this.
Just my two cents.
Good luck with your dilemma.
Sometimes we have to "side step" issues to honour and obey Jesus. Here in Ireland, weddings are huge and often young folk start their married life deeply in debt - or choosing to live together and start their family..At one wedding the couple's nine year old son was their best man... A few years ago we helped a young woman who had a small child already; they had not married because they needed to find a house to live in rather than the massive wedding that was expected of them...She knew she was in the wrong. So with the help of a Franciscan Friar, we arranged a secret wedding. Just seven of us including the child. It was holy and special. we side stepped thus; in your case, dear ones, eloping may be the wisest and holiest way to go. You can always have a party at a later date to satisfy the social aspect. But please, keep the sacrament pure and in Jesus. Sister
From the ritual description of it, the ritual is very similar or is that of the indigeous people, the Hmong. I am Hmong and speaking from second hand experience (currently living with a christian couple) the two religions are black and white. There is no gray. Their situation is indeed very similar to yours. Quite frankly, expect persecution, back stabbing, and rumors to occur. I have been accused of having an affair with his wife by the husbands family (I don't even know the family personally, only been introduced). I happen to live with the couple as my family has disowned me for choosing righteousness over wickedness (also caused by the husbands family). His family even attempted to kill his wife and their new born child.
Could this happen to you? I'm not sure. I certainly hope not. Your future husband needs to be strong as he will be the head. If he is not strong in his faith, his family and you will be in a constant tug-a-war match, a continous battle between God and Satan. If this is the case, he will end up having to let go of his family. But to what extent will he wait? Feeble lies, false accusation, or attempted murder? I hope and pray he is strong and does not wait until the worse has occurred.
In all fairness, this is not an attempt to stop your future plans with this gentleman. It is only meant for you to keep your eyes and ears open and if they are open let them see and let them hear.
As AnchoressNun has said, "keep the sacrament pure in Jesus." God bless sister and may God be with you!
P.S. If you are Hmong, you are probably we aware of the possiblity. Again, good luck and God bless.
Never forget the example of Daniel, who stood up for his faith in front
of everyone, at the risk of death.
It's not worth introducing demonic influences into your life over. God bless.
In the end, this marriage is about you and your significant other, not your families. I believe that you and your SO need to do what you two feel is right.
At the same time though, try to compromise a bit. Do you really want to break up family ties for this issue? You should ask yourself if it's worth it.I will say that when you marry a person, you marry that person's family. For better or worse.
My parents are great examples of this. My dad was raised in church, his mom was a christian, but my dad & most of his siblings got away from church as soon as they could when they became adults...so this resulted in multiple marriages/children, etc. My dad however, got saved in his late twenties, married my mom, had me and my sisters.
That resulted in pretty awkward family reunions for the LONGEST, because my dad was really the only one in the family really raising his family in a Christian home...which meant my parents didn't let me or my sisters run wild like my cousins often did. We got teased, my family pretty much ignored us for the LONGEST...
but then slowly, because of how my dad & mom lived out their faith, they slowly began getting saved. Now, about half of my family are saved (which is a big deal), and more of them are getting saved...
so basically I said all of that to say you guys being married, standing on your faith TOGETHER could be a great testimony to your families. It says in Ecclesiastes 4:12 "If one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken." those three strands are you, him and GOD...always remember that!
I think I've seen enough of where you come from...
IMO you are dangerous religeous zealots, the kind who kill and maim to further their holy jihad.IDK what you worship, but it is not a loving God.I know this isn't an easy topic to talk about, and not so easily solved.
Who is getting married? The families? The culture? I'm being blunt, but I had a friend whose dad is a mafiaso. I think that is the term. She was always going on about her dad this, her dad that.
We're not talking about culture here, we are talking about the mafia and the consequences. Her dad even went so far as to try and bully her husband to be into accepting that the husband's word was secondary to the father's word.
But my friend stood up to him, and that was that.
It's your wedding. If either family wants to try and dictate to you what will go on, lay down the law and live with the consequences. If you make a joint stand, as a couple, it will strengthen the bond between you. If you choose the other way, it will eventually come back to haunt you.
It's tough, but there is a reason behind 'leave and cleave'. God wasn't talking about satisfying your mom and dad or your culture.
The real question is, who do you say you are?
you're in my prayers!
i think ultimately, though, God will reward you for your faithfulness =)