by mrs violetThis week the youth leader gave out a general S.O.S for parents to help drive children to the camp which is a three-hour trip away. Arriving at midnight we could either drive home, or stay the night and head home in the morning.
My husband will have worked 28 days straight by the time the camp rolls around and I have held the fort at home for him with our 5 home-schooled children.
We did offer to do a return trip if needed, and we have been asked to help on other things throughout the term, so we are quite happy to do our bit. I don't feel any calling to youth ministry at this time and feel I have my hands full at home right now with my own children. And as for my husband, he is not saved, but again is happy to take a turn at things.
I am really struggling with this. I have always been involved in church work and ministry of some sort, always for the whole of my adult Christian life- you name it, I have probably done it over the years. I am the Poly-Fill queen – see a need, fill a need!
There has not been a church I have attended that I haven't had an active role to play. But for the first time in my life I am a pew warmer, and that is quite okay with me for now. We are in a new country, no support networks and still finding our feet. My husband's work has been quite full on of late and we are both exhausted. Knowing that this is the truth of the matter, why do I feel so guilty for saying no?
How do you find balance between church and family?
Comments (17)
Don't feel guilty about this. You don't have to do EVERYTHING that they ask/need help with. Obviously, you're all about helping out when you can. Don't beat yourself up for not being Superwoman
That said, for me the balance between the two is SUPER easy, b/c "my church" IS my family. I was raised as an only child, and both my parents passed away while I was still in high school. The nearest "real family" that I'm in touch with live in Europe.
I was once offered a gig at a church publication. The guy who was running the publication had left and they wanted me to take over, but without paying me; which they had been paying him for that and other duties. I turned them down because I just couldn't afford to do it for free at that time and I didn't have the training to make the publication as good as my predecessor and I believe the quality in which a message is presented is just as important as the message itself.
know where you're limit is... for me...
I'm a Jr. High Leader, a HS volunteer staff, part of the youth worship team (my main ministry really), on call for the adult worship team, and the music leader for our college group... i'm already stretched thin as it is and infact really praying about where to step down from....
i've been asked to be a part of our adult choir, work the nursury, work the children's ministry, be a part of the mens Bible study, attend the home groups, and work on the tech team for both the adult AND the youth as well.... with which i told each individual leader of each group no... and didn't feel bad about it... it was either i will if I can get money from it because i'm already heavily involved or must decline, they couldn't offer some form of payment so the result is a no... and I didn't feel bad because I was already serving the church as a multi-purpose person already... and still i'm stretched pretty thin to the point where I'm almost lagging in some areas....
part of doing ministry is about excellence... but family does come first and in this context with mrs. violet your fam is first above church involvment... which means, your ministry IS your family and driving a bunch of kids somewhere is secondary and maybe not even an option depending on what it is...
I had a hard time saying no to a lot of things, and I was on the edge of being burnt out. Don't let it get to that point. Family is also important, and so is rest.
It's really hard to say no. Believe me, I'm there, too. but resting is important (God Himself did it on the seventh day). God wants us to serve with a grateful heart and not be burn out. If you say yes (when you don't mean it), it gives one less person the opportunity to (when they mean it). God doesn't want only one person to do it all. That's why we have a church family.
I so often feel guilty for saying no to things, even if the answer should clearly be no.
I would definitely not be willing to drive a whole bunch of children or young adults to a destination that is three hours away from their parents. That alone is a question mark for me.
Do you think it would put your husband out to make the drive? If so, definitely say no. You are wise to prioritize your relationship with him before all things. I pray he comes to know the King of kings.
"Church" is not God. If you don't feel comfortable doing something with the church, don't do it.
God doesn't want us to do everything. He has special purposes planned for certain people. Everyone should not be doing everything.
I have a hard time saying no too. But its now come to a point when I come home from church and I need to rest...as opposed to finding rest in Him.
Friends have told me (some yelled) that I have to learn how to say no. My mentality was how could I? That would be saying "no" to God's work!!!
@impossibleangles@xanga - What you said was such an encouragement to me. Thank you!
Even Jesus Himself took time for balance/solitude. (Adding to impossibleangles' comment here).
Saying "YES!" to your family's well-being is also saying "YES!" to the Church. There are a gazillion needs out there in the world but family ALWAYS comes first.
God never pushes, and we shouldn't push even ourselves into service unless He leads us. I've had pastors who took Sunday off to go to their sons' games. I applauded them enthusiastically. Family is closer to God than church, since church is really an extension of family.
My sons attended Royal Rangers (like a christian Boy Scouts) at another church. There were plenty of people from that church who should have volunteered to help drive the boys up to a camp. I did it, and was happy to.
Oddly enough, despite my frequent service to this church, I could never find myself in the Royal Ranger pictures that were taken at these events. I didn't belong to the church, so I wasn't in them. I laughed at this, but the hypocrisy speaks louder than words.
If your heart is right, you will know when to volunteer, and what to volunteer for. It's good to take your turn, but it's horrible to live in condemnation when you can't.
Guilt is never a reason to respond to a request to serve in anything, especially church related opportunities or ministries.
God first. (remember, this may include a church request from Him)
Family second.
Church last.
I am VERY involved in my church ministires, but I say no to many requests because I have personally learned there are many GOOD things we can be doing, but only those things that God has prepared beforehand are the ones I never get tired of doing.
There is no condemnation in Christ! That is from the devil. It's OK to rest. It's OK to focus on your family right now and not try to fill every need in the church. My husband and I used to spend at least 20 hours a week (outside of our 40-hour-a-week jobs) to help out in our church, and it was exhausting. We weren't getting along because of it, and there was much resentment toward each other because we always had to cut our time short to go do something we committed to at church. That's when we knew it was too much. Our marriage is to each other, not to the church. We started saying no and dropping back on activities, and our marriage greatly improved because of it. If that is worthy of criticism to other people, they can go ahead and criticize - but not to us!
Try to figure out what your gifts are and how you can use them in your church. If your gift is to do one thing, do that one thing only and let others handle everything else. It's a way of growing yourself and helping others grow. There is no guilt in that.
Good luck, and repeat these words: NO, I CAN'T HELP WITH THAT.
Yes, it is hard to say "No" at times. Yet, there are times we need to say it. When you are pushing yourself hard and your husband may be tired too, it is not the time to take a 3 hour road trip. Too many risks on the road when we can be so tired. You said "NO" which helped make it safer for everybody but said 'YES" to a time where you were more rested to be able to go and help. Family time is important not just doing a lot of things. Busy people sometimes forget about the most precious gifts God gave them, their children!!!!
Sometimes our own pride let's us say "yes" when it should be "no". I thank you for the example of when to say "no". Plus, like the comments on this page too. This blog and comments are encouraging!!!!
DOn't feel guiilty about saying no to the church. A someone posted before, church is not God. Church is a place we go to worship God. So if you can;t do something with the church, you shouldn't feel bad. I actually had to leave a church becuase I could be very "active" with church activities, even though I regularly attended on Sundays, and they put pressure on me. But I never lost sight of God and fanily, b/c that's whats important.
hello, I always believe relationships precedes ministry
um... I think going to church is to strengthen the family so the family comes first, it always did in the first place...