Saturday, October 04, 2008
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Does Family Suffer When Mom is in Ministry?
by mrs violet
I wonder sometimes if the ministry of motherhood is becoming an undervalued thing in our churches.
I have always been a woman in ministry. My first ministry is to my husband and to my family. But over the years I have also preached, done public speaking, knocked on doors, handed out tracts, face painted, written curriculum, helped out with intercessory events...you name it, I have done it.
I must admit that I haven't always served with the right motive. Sometimes it was to prove a point that I could do it, other times it was some kind drive that I needed to fulfill in order to feel accepted, and of course there were many times where I felt very led to serve in a particular way.
I remember after falling pregnant with baby number 3 and miscarrying, my non-Christian husband told me enough was enough and I needed to stop, rest and care for my family... OUCH!
But he was very right. For the first time in my life, I am happy at home with my family not doing anything but raising babies and supporting my husband.
There is a growing trend in mega churches for women pastors to hire nannies to help them raise and care for their children. I can't help wonder about this. Not because I have a problem with women in ministry perse but because of the career calling coming at the expense of our families.
Would I feel the same if it was a man? Probably not, should I feel the same if it is a man in ministry being drawn away from his family? I don't know.
Maybe I am just an old fashioned thirty-something woman who was probably meant to be born into another era, maybe I am just realizing some personal truths that are the Lords words to me in my life and not necessarily the rest of the Body, or maybe some of these questions need genuine answers as divorce rates soar in the church and families become broken units. Only the Lord knows the answers to that.
This really is just a pendulum swing right now....I am not sure where I stand on it all, knowing how many women are incredibly blessed all over the world by other women's ministries... I am just trying to sort it all out in my own life.
Share with me your thoughts about women and ministry, I would love to hear them. (yes even if you don't agree- it is all about how we say what we say isn't it?)
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Comments (40)
i think that it is possible for a family to suffer when the mom is too involved in ministry.
it is a problem when ministry becomes your first priority. your priorities should be
1. your relationship with God
2. your family (first your spouse, then your kids)
3. and finally ministry
you have to put your family first and know where to draw the line, and you can't try to fill yourself up with accomplishing things in your ministry. God has to fill you up.
a mom can be in ministry if she doesn't let that get in the way of her family. you have to learn where to say no, and that's always hard.
I truly believe God has a place in his plan for each of us. In hand with that, I believe we should not deny someone his or her talents and calling. I think it is up to the individual to commune with God and discover where he or she should be at that precise moment in time.
It sounds like you have been called to minister to your family for now. Perhaps that will change in time, but maybe that's where you should keep your focus at present.
...was that vague enough? lol
Many children of ministers suffer across the board, whether their parent in ministry is their mother or their father. Family should come right after personal relationship with God, then ministry, in my opinion.
Children of ministers are often neglected or seriously traumatized. As a pastor's kid myself, I have seen others that ended up having serious problems that seemed to be related to a lack of parental involvement. The family I'm specifically thinking of is one in which the father is a famous pastor.
It's not just children of moms in ministry who suffer. I really think this is a major problem across the board in ministry, and everyone needs to take a serious look at whether we put too much pressure on our pastors outside the home, and pastors need to check their motivations and pray about whether they are living properly balanced lives and how they can better serve their families.
The Bible calls us to be there for our families, and we are not supposed to neglect them in order to do ministry work. That doesn't mean we can't do effective ministry; we need the Holy Spirit's leading to achieve proper balance.
If a person does not minister to their own needs, they will not be able to minister to the needs of others effectively. If a person does not minister to their family and create a loving community therein, they will have nothing to return to and recharge with once the ministry to the wider community is done.
In essence, so long as one keeps the three ministries of self-family-community in balance, it causes no harm. But when those ministries are unbalanced, all three suffer.
I definitely think it can be damaging to a family if mom is overly involved in church ministries. But I think that can be said for dads as well. I think when it comes down to it, anything that moms and dads put before their family can be very damaging, not just ministry, but jobs as well. We had a pastor at my church who was a young guy. He was highly involved in facilitating our young adult group, and he was really careful about letting that be where he spent all his time. He was always stressing to us, that when we get married family comes first, then ministry.
I think some people forget too that giving more time to family is a ministry itself, not just to your kids and spouse, but also to others, when they see how God blesses your family.
I know that from seeing how other families in my church are, It inspires me to, when i get married and have kids, to give the same attention.
I am curious, Mr. Violet, what you would say about a woman in ministry with a stay-at-home husband? Actually, I am curious about everyone's perspective on this. Several commentors so far seem to be saying that a woman needs to be able to balance ministry and family in the same way a man does. But isn't it easier for a man if his wife doesn't work outside the home?
Some say that being a pastor's wife is a full-time job. Couldn't the same be said for being a pastor's husband?
-NDSR
well... from what I gather Scripturally... and many women who take their Bibles seriously will ultimately find Titus 2 to be the clarion call for women believers... to be home-centered, loving both husband and children, and to stay kept at home and tend to that domain she was made for by God to be the one who knows the household, who tends to the household, who is mentally built to keep that house hold running in top shape, plus the addition to be the kind of woman who will rear, raise, and tend to the kids....
which i think in turn helps the husband take up more responsibility to be the husband God requires him to be as far as carrying the vision of the family God has given him...
Titus 2 encourages women to do as such...
@leadworshipper82 - There is a lot of scriptural tension on the issue.
Women are encouraged in many places in the epistles to prophesy in particular and to maintain leadership positions in the church in general. Paul specifically names several women as leaders of the church, including some married ones, as in the case of Apollos' wife. Acts used the female form of the term 'disciple,' mathrateria, in reference to an early leader of the church. As well, Paul's encouragement for believers to remain single if they are able so as to better serve the Lord would leave women in the lurch if the only way they could serve the Lord was in marriage and child-rearing.
On the other hand, Titus, 1 and 2 Timothy and the Corinthian correspondence makes several very strong claims about women, limiting them in places from even speaking in the congregation (a rule that only a few churches hold to today).
A believer in scripture can fairly hold either view about women in church leadership, though I would contend that after a full analysis, the strong emphasis of scripture is in favor of it.
Whatever view you take, I think that it is somewhat unfair of you to imply that those who disagree do not "take their Bibles seriously."
-NDSR
@sirnickdon - i use that phrase with no apologies considering the audience in question are one of those feminists veiled as Christians where the whole mentality is "girls rule boys drool" even in ministry... and really i make no apologies for making that statement and hold to it because Christianity today is very much cued from the culture rather than Scripture
i'm not saying that a woman should be CONFINED to the house and not go out, stay in the kitchen and be barefoot and pregnant all the time... but her mindset and heart be towards the home is the Titus 2 mentality... and this is where I make my point and rest my case on...
I will say that whether or not you are a woman or a man, your first ministry is at HOME, to your family! BOTH my parents are in ministry, as they are co-pastors...but both of them make sure that they put the family first! I think that it can work, if the mom and dad can work something out..I think that is up to them to make sacrifices, but never to the point that the family suffers!
@leadworshipper82 - Who was the audience in question? (I only ask because I didn't see you responding to any comment in particular, and the OP didn't strike me as strongly feminist.)
But more to the point, I think you're taking scripture lightly if you find what you agree with in Titus, and disregard every other teaching on the subject in the New Testament. Even if Titus were the only word on women, it would be ambiguous whether the text was saying women should always love their husbands and children, should always be sensible and pure, and when in the home should be workers, kind and subject to their husbands, or whether it teaches that women definitely should be in the home.
Being as it is set against Paul's teachings preferring singleness and frequent mentions of women leading in the New Testament church, I think there's only one way to interpret this passage, in view of the full teaching of scripture.
This isn't me accommodating some liberal ethic in the culture, either. This is me confining myself to the literal, explicit teaching of scripture. Unless you have a compelling argument why scripture itself teaches otherwise, I have to believe women who are called by God are as empowered to ministry as any man.
-ND
@sirnickdon - ok ok ok... before you go off... lemme answer each point you present...
1. the audience in question is the full reading audience who will come by this entry and the comments left thereof... and much of the revelife audience are self-proclaimed feminists and such... to which I address more specifically but generally as well to the whole...
2. I'm not saying Titus 2 is the ONLY verse... there are others which prove my point... although i specifically point to Titus as just 1 example to the veracity of the point i'm presenting...
3. i've got no dispute as to women SERVING in ministry... Timothy's mother helped start it but it was Timothy who LED the church he was pastoring so in a way, empowered to serve and bring in the position of leadership are 2 different concepts one would be apt at discerning...
4. The issue you present is in fact more of a cultural ethic... here is the reason you can exegete... man is the one God has called to be the head... and woman at his side... the context though that i'm presening is involved in marriage... as far as single women, they can serve... i'm not denying that at all... what i'm saying is as far as the context of this post... a married woman who completely neglects her household and spends her time in church "for the sake of the ministry" is out of order and therefore unBiblical... because she is to be once again home-minded according to Scripture...
Those of us who are married are called to minister faithfully within our families, but we can never make family an excuse for not obeying God, otherwise we make "family" an idol.
@leadworshipper82 - "a married woman who completely neglects her
household and spends her time in church 'for the sake of the ministry'
is out of order and therefore unBiblical..."
I absolutely agree with you here. I differ from you in that I believe that on the basis of the New Testament witness taken as a whole, a woman, whether married or single, who is called by God is permitted and empowered to serve by leading and lead by serving (the only sort of Christian leadership Jesus taught) in the church.
I am also not sure that revelife is significantly made up of feminists, if by that you mean those more influenced by their culture than by the clear guidelines of scripture. Unless by feminist you mean people who believe women should have the right to vote, have equal pay for equal work, etc., in which case I assume that most of xanga as a whole is 'feminist.'
-ND
I feel that in some cases, the family does suffer if one or both parents are heavily involved in ministry. Many of my friends who are children of ministers or people high in the church act out, whether it be drinking, partying, or drugs. I'm not saying that everyone does this, but it is my experience. My own parents are very involved in their church, and always been. My sister and I always were involved too, even when we didn't want to be. It was as if the church expected us to be super involved because our parents were. I think many families suffer in this wasy too.
I'm right there with you sister. I feel the same exact way. Our kids are only with us for a short period of time, but what we do now is so important and influential in who they are going to be and what kinds of choices they will make to impact their world. My daughter graduates from high school this year, and I have to tell you that I do not regret at all not being able to chair every fundraiser or volunteer for every church or school function. While those things are good, they are not as necessary as building and maintaining strong relationships with your children.
Over the years, God taught me that for our family He, and then our family had to come first if we were going to be effective witnessing to other people.
Our kids are in a spiritual battle every day in the school system. Not just with pressure from their peers, but influence from most of their teachers also. I cannot tell you how many times my daughter was the only Christian in her classroom. It was a daily struggle for her and I am thankful and feel priviledged that God allowed me to be able to get home by the time she did so that I could help her through it. I didn't even have to deal with the kinds of pressures she faced on a daily basis. She was basically like a missionary!
May God bless you for what you are doing. =)
I am a stay-at-home mom to two children. My husband is a preacher and is currently in seminary. There are lots of women around me who are in seminary classes to forward their ministry and I see them leaving their families to do this. I can't say if it's right or wrong because I've heard from many of them that they are doing what they feel led by God to do.
Personally I feel like my ministry is my family. There have been times when I've felt like, "Am I doing enough? Am I supposed to also be something else?" But for me the answer is no. I know that my job in life for now is to love my children and my husband like God wants me to. And really that's all I WANT to do. I hate feeling pressured to be more than that. I feel like it's society that has dictated to women that it's not enough to be happy and feel successful at home.
@sirnickdon - by feminist also i mean the egalitarians who wanna blur gender distinctions, traditional role abolishment, and putting women in positions they really weren't emotionally, mentally, physically, and even spiritually built for...
the idea i'm presenting is headship... such leadership positions are to be handled by the man and in this context, the husband... and if a wife neglects the home because she's too busy outside of the very domain she's made for by God to be the care-taker of the home and to be home-minded and family minded i think is wrong...
i wouldn't say revelife as a whole is the egalitarian feminists (i should have said that before) but alot of them are egalitarian feminists and it is to such i make such vast claims and quotes...
lemme make this extreme but practical... a wife who spends her days attending women's Bible studies, ladies love feasts, involved in every single play and drama the church puts on, every prayer group, youth outing, business meeting, retreat, seminar, conference, and other such activities and her excuse is "Well i'm in the ministry so i have to do this..." while her kids are being raised by another woman (nanny, maid, nursery) who probably doesn't line up w/ the vision of the family because the husband can't stay at home because he has to work to provide for the family... that kind of thing suffers when the primary ministry isn't the youth group or the choir practices... it's the fact that she has 3 kids under the age of 10 who needs mom to beautifully handle lunch, dinner, soccer schedules, dance recitals, husband's needs (leave it at that), all in time to make sure that her kids and husband are well taken care of... and to neglect such a thing is wrong... for the sake of ministry...
that IS ministry... according to Scripture... and obviously i've contextualized it
@leadworshipper82 - Firs, I'm extremely curious. Why do "youth group or the choir practices" differ from everything else you listed? If taken to excess, couldn't they be just as disruptive to family life as everything else you mention? And isn't a woman director of the choir or a female youth leader just as much "in authority" over the males involved as a woman teaching an adult Sunday school class with men in it? Or is it different because in the choir it is not "spiritual" authority?
I'm just not very good at nitpicking and have never understood why some church groups make the distinctions
Now, the problem with your examples is that you choose examples I agree with. Of course a man or woman who engages in so much frenetic activity outside of the home and hands their children off to nannies and daycares is putting the priorities out of order and harming the family. Nobody would argue that.
My only contention (and it is the same contention I've had from the beginning) is that there is very clear scriptural tension as to whether women can be in leadership positions in the church, including pastoring (which really means serving, but that's a separate issue).
You seem to be saying that anyone who disagrees with you on this is an "egalitarian feminist," or "does not take the Bible seriously," or "is cued from culture rather than scripture" or what have you, when really there is strong merit in either reading. Many very scholarly, very Godly, very conservative exegetes have come to the position that the New Testament expects female "headship" in the church.
The family suffers when either parent gets unbalanced in how they spend their time.
I am actually of the opinion that lots of women that are called to ministry are at home, trying to fulfill the role of a traditional wife.
It's not wrong for women to be in ministry, in fact it's vital to the body. Women need to feel free to pursue thdir calling, whether it be to stay home and care for her family, or to preach and teach or be an architect or an accountant or whatever God has called her to be.
@sirnickdon - yea... you are nitpicking... i digressed in choosing the two u've decided to center yourself on.... i just named 2 more ministries that this hypothetical mother could find herself steeped in... it's had nothing to do with the fact that she could be held in authority position...
and understand that there is a difference between headship and delegated authority...
Example: a woman CAN be a choir director BECAUSE the PASTOR of the church DELEGATED the authority because she has expressed that she was/is a music major and vocal teacher therefore, the pastor delegated the authority for her to be a choir director. A woman can be a youth leader because there is a difference in leading boys then men...
headship isn't about leadership position... it's about role... that's the big idea....
your welcome...
@leadworshipper82 - Oh, you misunderstand. I was asking about those as a curiosity, because I know many Southern Baptist congregations that permit women to teach children and lead the choir, and don't allow them other forms of delegated authority, such as teaching adult Sunday school classes. Since you mentioned those specifically, I thought that's what you were implying.
Also, can a woman lead high school youth? I ask because I can think of males in high school who are already registered for basic training and would, by any definition I can think of, be considered 'men.' I ask because I am poor at nitpicking, while you seem to have a pretty good handle on it.
As long as we're going down this sidetrack, though, how would you feel about a female head pastor in a centralized denomination such as the United Methodist Church? Her authority over her congregation would be delegated by the state and regional governing UMC boards, so would that be submissive enough for your very nuanced understanding of Titus 2?
But you're wrong to think I've decided to center myself on choir directing or youth leading. I am asking about them because I'm curious about the details of your interpretation. At the center of my belief is the New Testament texts that give permission and authority to women called by God to lead the church, even in a senior pastor position, which Titus 2 in no way undermines. It's just because you haven't seen fit to contest any of those points (about Paul's teaching on singleness, about Junia and Dorcas and Apollos's wife, about the strange phrase 'mathrateria,' that appears early in Acts, about the references to women prophesying in church services, etc.), that the discussion has centered on these side issues.
And can I take a moment to say that I respect you quite a bit? I've been subbed to you for a while, we've had a couple of discussions now, and I've seen you comments on several posts, and you are obviously very engaged and very passionate about the gospel, and I'm glad we've got you contributing to revelife. I think you're an important voice here.
You're just wrong about women in ministry.
There's certainly a place for women in ministry (although perhaps not the pastorate). There are plenty of single women, empty nesters and widows who have lots of time and energy.
I feel like you do, though, that the place for a wife & mother is "in the home." There's so much to do around the house and with your kids that I don't know how a woman could be in full-time ministry and care for the kids and husband properly without giving herself a nervous breakdown. I've seen women try.
I've really come to a more Titus 2 stand on women's place in the past few years. Children need so much nurture in their formative years; how easily they can be emotionally damaged in ways that affect them the rest of their lives! Husbands, too, often appreciate a wife in the home who can take care of the repair-men, cleaning, cooking, coupon-clipping and doctors' appointments and other parts of normal family life. Then the husband can concentrate on providing monetarily for the family.
I don't judge women in ministry or any other career, though. I have my beliefs; but I did not always feel this way. I was raised with a working, professional step-mother and I have a Master's degree. I worked for almost a decade in the public sector and have seen mothers almost frantic because they don't have time off to spend with sick kids or loved ones. I've seen exhausted women plod home to face their kids and husbands and do the wash, cook supper and everything else. They were emotionally spent already. Some women HAVE to work for one reason or another, but many don't.
Also, when I look back, the women who had the most Christian influence on my life were my stay-at-home grandmother & greatgrandmother. They were THERE (physically as well as emotionally) for the entire family. They were the hub around which the family moved, although they were both quiet, modest women. Their interests were not divided between pleasing an employeer or congregation and also caring for the family.
Hullo,
I really enjoyed this post. So, here are my thoughts.
While still in secondary school I dated a girl whose mother was a pastor, though not currently preaching. Nonetheless, her job did have elements of ministry in it, and she devoted much of her time to it. On one hand, I can (and do) respect that. Dedication to the people you serve is one of the greatest signs of faith, and in many cases also humility. That was central to Jesus' teaching (cf. Mat 5: 5-6, 14-16, among others).
On the other hand, though, I think we should include our families with those people we serve. When I do have a family of my own, I know I will play a major role in the rearing of my children. I'm considering either professorship or missionary work. However, I refuse to let either of those conflict with my first job, to my family.
Along the same line, I would expect the same of my future wife. She is welcome to pursue whatever she is called to do. Yet, I would want us to both contribute (equally) to raising our children. Children would be a blessing, born out our of love for each other and for God.
Therefore, if my wife were to choose ministry, I would support that. I would want my wife to express her love and faith in God. But I still hope that it is something we would discuss, because I feel it would have an impact on the whole family. The same goes for my career. If I'm offered a teaching post at some far-off university (for example) it must need be discussed with my wife.
In my marriage, I will be on equal ground with my wife. We both would contribute to the family, and have equal voice in making decisions. Perhaps we would each contribute in very ways, but we would both add something. Our careers would not only shape us, but our children. Ministry can be a wonderful example, but if it supersedes God's call to serve the family, doesn't that defeat the purpose?
Peace and Blessings,
~C
@sirnickdon - ah... but see... in Timothy it greatly encourages the leadership position of pastor to be upon the male...
i listed youth ministry and choir involvement as other ministries a woman could tie herself to... add both of those to the list i've listed previously... nothing adamently specific other than they are just two other ministries a woman could be bogged with in a long list of other ministries the church is cultivating...
youth kids as males are still pliable and can be led... as far as teaching... but respectively, that teaching position is delegated BY the pastoral authority which should be a man...
and again in regards to whole denominations (many would call them Emerging Evangelicals, don't look into the term too much, it means nothing other than if you desire to grab context on where i'm coming from as a Emerging Reformed guy myself) ordaining women pastors to lead whole congregations passed by an entire denomination again is another cue from the culture... the culture bogged up on the denomination, the denomination in question yielded and therefore (qualifications aside) put upon the notion of a woman pastor...
i've got no problem women teaching and sheparding other women... pastor's wives and elder's wives can and SHOULD to other women...
now again... i will concede by saying I know many a spiritual mother who I would glean insight from as far as nuggets of wisdom... shoot i'll gladly sit under a Beth Moore teaching any day of the week...
i think the divergance of terminology is where we find our mutual respective disagreement on as far as specific distinctives... pastoral role i'm finding is to be charged by the male... TEACHING can be done by the women... Timothy's mom and grandmother taught him then Paul took Timothy up and furthered his foundational training