Tuesday, October 07, 2008

• Letting Go Of My Abortions: A Day Of Revelation

  Guest blog by Tammy Hodge
  
  

  

  
  I will never forget the day it hit me. The day I realized, in a very powerful way, who I was and whom I wasn’t letting go of. My past, as twisted as it seemed, became my security. It was all I knew. In spite of this beautiful new life of mine I was still so attached to who I use to be. I carried with me every day my little secret. It had become a vital part of living.
  
  Removing it, to me, would’ve been equivalent to donating my lungs. My very breath. Something I could not survive without. To let go of my secret would be to let go of me. Exactly. And that was a horrifying thought. What would I do? Who would I be?
  
  For many years I had long hair down to my waist. When people described me I was the girl with the “real long hair”. That was my identity. It also became my security. I enjoyed people noticing my long locks instead of me. I hid behind it all. Until the day when out of the blue I decided to cut it. I cut off my identity and security. It had become my counterfeit comfort. When it vanished I was left with two choices. I could either replace it with something else to hide behind or deal with the issue at hand. Why was I hiding? What was I hiding from?
  
  I came terribly close to replacing it with an eating disorder I had just two years earlier. It would’ve been so simple to invite it back having just had a child and a few extra pounds that I detested. Until, I remembered how tired and sick I constantly felt throughout my journey with anorexia. Besides, my husband was aware of my struggle with this disorder and would instantly spot its return. There seemed to be nothing for me to latch on to. But I needed something to be identified by, something that would take the focus off of me. But the Lord would have it no longer.
  
  Shortly after removing my security blanket of hair I sat at home, alone with our daughter K who was 5 months old at the time, when suddenly I became weighed down with despair. I felt a stirring within me; an uneasiness about me. There was a heavy burden making its way to the surface and there was no stopping it. It was a rock bottom moment. I had been battling with the Lord that day, pleading my case before Him as to why I needed to protect my secret. God why can’t I just tuck it away? Why does any one need to know? All is fine, why disturb the peace? Then He responded, “Because there is no peace Tammy”.
  
  He revealed to me how tormented I was inside. How preoccupied I had become with my secret and the fear of it getting out. It owned me! Daily I dredged up the past and my abortions. It weighed powerfully on me each time I gazed at my daughter. I couldn’t look at her without thinking of what I had done. My thoughts so frequently stepped back to that abortion clinic, to the horrible things of my past. As a result God had been put in second place, or worse. As a matter of fact, He never had a chance at His rightful standing. I allowed my hang-ups to take precedence over what should have been God’s position in my life. I hit the ground. Everything within me gave out as I fell to the floor. With my head in my hands I wept and cried out to God, “I’m done! I cannot do this any longer!”
  
  I remained there for what seemed like hours in brokenness. I had arrived at the end of Tammy’s road. Now it was time to merge onto God’s road. I’m not sure how much time passed before I remembered little K lying on the floor right beside me. I lifted my head from my hands and saw this beautiful creation, this stunning child, starring back at me. Looking into the eyes of the innocent I quickly accepted what I must do to become the mother she would ultimately need. From that moment on I no longer looked at her as a tool God may use to “get back” at me. I began to see her as a gift, an honor, a living example and proof of His unconditional love.
  
  

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