Saturday, October 18, 2008
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I Cleaned Your Toilet, Now Where's My Reward?
Lately, I've struggled a lot the with the issue of taking credit for one's good deeds. While I don't like being showered with attention, I implicitly expect some kind of reward (in the form of a "thank you" or some other appreciative gesture) when I go out of my way to help someone. God's really convicted me about the danger of doing good things JUST to curry others' favor. I didn't think I was the type of person to brown nose until, one afternoon, I decided to clean the apartment my three suitemates and I live in. I'm basically the non-existent roommate, thanks to extracurriculars, so I decided to show that I still care about them by using my free afternoon to clean without them asking me to.
They came back when I was just about done with the bathroom. The whole place smelled like bleach, and the cleaning supplies were still strewn around, so it's not like they didn't KNOW I'd cleaned...and I got nothing. Not a thank you, no acknowledgment ("oh, you cleaned!"), NADA. Whereas the old me would've passively-aggressively called attention to my hard work, I recalled the verses about receiving one's reward in full (Matthew 6:5-14) - granted, those verses are about prayer, but Christ's teaching about not doing things just to make yourself look good still applies - so I stayed quiet.
So you can imagine how I felt when, about two weeks later, my roommate cleaned the entire place - and wouldn't stop talking about it. On the one hand, I appreciate that the took the time to clean - on the other, her blabbing about it all afternoon (pointing out every little thing she thought was dirty) came across as really obnoxious. It was even HARDER to say thank you to her when she'd never thanked me for doing the same thing!
Thanks to that incident, I'm having difficulty serving her and my other suitemates. I don't naturally have a servant's heart, so for awhile, I followed the conviction to do the dishes without asking (or letting them know I did it), to take out the trash every day, to share my food, and to always ask how everyone's day went. Now I really don't care. I haven't gotten a SINGLE thank you. As far as I know, they might even credit each other for doing the chores since I always do them when they're not looking.....
...which really begs the question of why I even chose to serve them in the first place. Sure, a thank you every now and then would be nice, but still, God used their lack of appreciation to show me that my motives are pretty selfish. A lot of the time, I just did those things so they would value me as a roommate.
"Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you." - Matthew 6:6b
To be honest, though, I'm still struggling with the idea that my motives for serving others will ever be 100% right. I mean, it's not like I clean the bathroom every week while thinking, "Great! Now my roommates will see how awesome I am!" ... but not getting any appreciation (while they still expect me to give it when they do the chores) turns my servanthood into a "me" thing all over again.
Despite the struggle, however, I believe God's using the experience to refine my brown-noser's heart into a servant's heart. I'm aware of the problem, and it's just something that God and I have to work through before my motives can really mature.
What kind of credit or appreciation do you expect when you go out of your way for others? Is it unbiblical to expect this kind of reward?
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Comments (22)
karma is not real; and doing good things can be nice. always however pay your help so you can trust them. if someone is doing something nice; it i s suggested you return it back to them and be thankful. im not telling you how to take care of your help but this is my own suggestion.......
Wow...I can see your dilemma. (same thing happens to me...I get complained at for not doing something, but if I do it nobody notices!). Personally, I'd just make a bigger deal about it (not enough to be obnoxious, obviously) but enough to make them see that you did something and you cared. Otherwise, you could just put a big rota up on the wall telling people who's cleaning each week. :)
I would tell your roommate, "You don't thank me when I clean, so I will thank you this once, but if you persist in not thanking me I will assume it is because you think it is nothing worthy of thanks."
If you expect a reward, yes, that's unreasonable. But the issue here is that your roommate lacks common courtesy.
You are only human, with human expectations, inlcuding the want and almost the need to be thanked for your hard work. We all do it. And while God wishes that we had the heart of a servant, he is understanding...he knows us inside and out.
You should take some comfort in the fact that God knows exactly how it feels to be underappreciated. Think of all the things that God does for us that he recieves no appreciation for. He knows what you are going through.
Hope that helps.
Have a wonderful day.
<3 Alina
Jesus said in Luke 17:10 - "So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do."
I enjoy reading your post (and I've only read two so far) because they always bring up verses in my mind and help me to think more deeply on them. I dont really have alot to say about your post but here are the verses that I thought of.
Ephesians 6:7
7Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men,
Colossians 3:24
24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.
I guess the theme behind these two verses is that we are serving Christ. And how that relates I guess is that when we do things for others, such as "cleaning the toilet", we should be doing it unto God and so that we wont expect that thanks from people. Or at least I would think it would make it easier not to expect that gratitude from others if we are really doing those works for Christ. This, I think, also relates to giving to others and not just serving others.
Matthew 25:31-40
31"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. 32All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
That's hard.
I have similar feelings sometimes. For me, it's usually when I'm stressed; I start doing stuff that needs to be done and get frustrated at my housemates for not doing it (even though it was usually they hadn't done it yet). As I write this, the kitchen trash is full, but for some reason something in me is refusing to take it out.
My boyfriend has had the same experience with several housemates--except unlike mine, they actually didn't do anything around the house. No cleaning, no dishes, no trash, nothing. It's hard on him.
When you're living with people, sometimes you're bound to rub each other the wrong way. The only thing is, you're always going to have to be around people, whether you're living with them or not.
I think when it comes down to it, you have to decide whether the relationship with the person is more important than you being right (and I would say you are right). You've just gotta have discretion about what's you and what's them and what needs to be addressed and when.
haha I just realized this was a blogging community and not one persons site. oops. guess it helps to read. = P
i can't quite sympathize. i don't do good acts and expect things in return. it's just a matter of humility.
always do things to please God. you can never please man.
It's funny, because this has been my struggle this week too. Basically I was asked late Monday night to edit a paper for someone that was very important. Actually it was more like "hey this paper is big time i'm screwed if it's not perfect so edit it and get it back to me you know how it is." A demand more than a request. I was a little upset. I had no warning this was coming, it got emailed to me at the end of a three day weekend, and I am literally so swamped in my own work that I haven't seen any of my friends in over....over...a month (I live alone). I spend an hour and a half editing, and do I receive a thank you? Nope. A couple days later I finally get a voice mail "hey call me back as soon as I can my shoulder hurts." Normally things never get me riled up or upset, but you can bet that I didn't return that call right away.
It's hard because I know this isn't the attitude to have, and as cliche as it sounds, I've had to tell myself that it's a good thing Jesus didn't have this attitude when he was alive and doing his thing. "Oh btw Beth, you never thanked me for helping you out with that situation with your dad...and for helping you get to sleep that night...from keeping that car a foot away from your driver's side door...remind me again why I should die so you could have eternal life?" Thinking that helps me change my mindset from "why should I help him if he clearly doesn't appreciate it" to "how can I lead by example. I guess my struggle now is finding that line between being a pushover and serving wholeheartedly without second thought.
And I especially like what the person above me wrote.
This is an issue you will have your whole life. Once you are a wife and mother and these duties naturally fall to you, you must become acustomed to receiving little or no thanks. It is a struggle of the flesh that you can battle with scripture and prayer. Strive to be content in your life whether it be your posessions or your circumstance. And yes, make sure what you do is for the glory of the Father, not man. We are to be Christ like and that means to love each other in very practicle ways- like cleaning the bathroom. I am also talking to myself here :)
People don't even say thank you when you open the door for them anymore. People have gotten just.... so unappreciative and rude.
PS. I would have acknowledged you and made brownies or something as a thank you!
the long road to humility is a long road.
@Mizmazed@xanga - I don't know you at all, but I adore brownies and would love some.
I guess we shouldn't do things only for a reward..or a thank you or whatever..we should do them because we want to or we feel like we should...the reward shouldn't be expected but is definitely a nice bonus...
I think there are times we have to do things just because they please US! <gasp!> I've helped other people all my life and thought that's what I was supposed to do. It was, in a way, but I'm called to serve Christ. Sometimes what He wants me to do and what people want me to do are 2 different things.
From what you've blogged, it sounds like you were looking for a reward from your roommates. I think having a servant's heart is when you realize who it is that you're serving. In order to please Christ, you have to know what it is that He wants. When you do something for Him, you know it is appreciated and seen. When you do something for man, you never know if they will catch it (and possibly show appreciation) or not. I love the Scriptures given above. We're to serve Christ and everything else is just icing on the cake. If you're serving Christ, secure in His approval and appreciation, when a person thanks you for what you've done it's just gravy, ya know?
Eek! this issue is affecting me as I type. My sister and I live together and it seems like I'm ALWAYS the one doing the cleaning and the laundry. I've been up since 10 this morning cleaning our apartment from top to bottom. It's still not done, but that's 3.5 hours of crazy work and crazy cleaning and that she came in to grab a different pair of shoes and didn't even notice or appreciate all i had done. I guess partially I'm keep up my responsibilities of keeping our apartment clean and tidy, but it does feel like I'm the only one doing it. A thank you would be nice, I think that's pretty human of us. However, we probably shouldn't expect it. the whole, work as if you're working for the Lord thing really sticks in my head. I'm not even sure if that's in scripture or just something people have said throughout my lifetime that's stuck (hmm...now I'm going to have to investigate!) You keep on doing your thing by helping out and I'll keep doing mine and hopefully we'll be able to remember that we're doing this for God.... and to show His love sometimes in practical ways.
Wow, I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm in the exact same situation with my four other roommates. I wouldn't say anything after I cleaned, and they all knew I did, yet I would never get a "thank you." And it really hurt. I got to the point where I was tired of being their maid. They never cleaned and I always did. I was tired of picking up their dirty dishes, etc. So, I just stopped. I only cleaned up after myself and that was it. I don't think you are being selfish or brown nosing at all. Yes, you want to look like a good roommate, but you're also doing something nice for them. They should have the decency to acknowledge that.
My roommates and I sort of fixed this problem. We ended up making a chore list. Where each roommate would have a chore assigned to them for the week. And then the next week, the chores would change and someone would have something else. If the week ended, and a person didn't do their chore, they have to pay a fine (which goes to things like cleaning supplies). Maybe you could implement something like that with you are your roommates. Hope everything works out!
This happens to me a lot. I do things for people not necessarily because I like what I'm doing, but because I like doing favors for other people. However, I generally find that the best thank you comes when others return the favor. Yes, your roommate made a big deal out of it, but that's most likely just her own insecurity talking.
The fact that you tried is the most important part, and it can be hard to live by your faith/morals when no one else seems to be doing so. In the end, though, the way you live your life is entirely up to you.
Wow, that does sound like it would rub a person the wrong way! I'm sorry.
I've had things like that happen in little ways, and when they do, I tend to wrestle with the same thing you are wrestling with. One thing that helps (after my emotions have quieted down), is the realize that God has done SO much for us. He sent His own Son to this world. The Lord of all creation, walking in dusty sandals, sweating, humbling himself to be a human, probably getting sick sometimes, even having to "use the bathroom" just like us. THAT boggles my mind for some reason. And He bore all of our nasty sins!
And every day He cares for us and sustains us. Sure, we thank Him sometimes, but even our deepest thanks must sometimes feel like an "oh yeah... by the way, thanks... Hey, would you do such and such for me about this thus-and-such" and so on and so forth.
So, look at it this way. You're getting a chance to share in Christ's sorrows, and at the same time a reminder to thank Him for all He's done for you!