Wednesday, October 22, 2008
-
The Pros and Cons of Dating Within Your Church
Over summer, I joined a new church, which meant, among new brothers and sisters and a new community of worship... a plethora of potential boyfriends, woohoo!
The thing is, I'm not keen on dating church boys at this point, firstly because I don't want my love life to prevent me from being plugged into the community - that is, I'd MUCH rather be single and have my own social identity than be happily in love and known primarily as "______'s girlfriend."
Secondly, there's at least one engagement announcement a week (last Sunday, there were three), which makes me wonder at the amount of pressure the community puts on couples to succeed in the long run. I can't even think of squeezing a guy into my Saturday night dinnertime, let alone a husband into the...rest...of...my...life. I'm open to dating, but I'm too immature for a relationship that's working toward marriage. What if I dated a guy and we broke up? I'm not strong enough in my faith to NOT have that affect how devoted I stay to this church community.
Also, were we to break up, I have a feeling I'd be off-limits forever...or at least long enough for me to get lonely, or at least start looking for potential boyfriends/husbands (if I'm old enough) elsewhere.
On the flip side, if I really HAD to date, I would much rather date a church guy than any of the guys at my school. Firstly, I only date Christians, and even then, I'd want them to share my theological/denominational beliefs, so dating someone in the church I already attend lends for much more common ground. Nor would we have to deal with the issue of who has to change churches, as we would both already attend that same one. We'd have mutual friends, so there'd be sisters and brothers to give us a knowledgeable opinion of the other person.
Church boys aren't perfect, but I know for sure we share more values and relationship standards than I do with the non-Christian guys at my school. By and large, church boys as individuals are top-notch - at this point, it's just the community factor that's getting in the way of my being open to relationships. Right now, fostering strong relationships with other brothers and sisters is more important to me than having someone to spend my Friday nights with (or help me carry my groceries, to be a total wuss and damsel in distress.)
Would you date (or have you ever dated) someone within your church? What are some of the pros and cons of doing so? Would you do it again?
-
recommend
- recs 0
- give stars
- votes 1
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (28)
interesting points, but i think you're overanalyzing a bit. faith is indeed important, but i dunno, i'd rather find someone i could connect with rather than worry about all that
i got involved with a Christian once.... he was incredibly old-fashioned drove me nuts.
@npr32486@xanga - i agree. in all likelihood, i'll marry an agnostic. they're the only sane people i know ;)
I'm a pastor. Add that to all the awkwardness.
I'm dating outside of my church and my "denomination". I'm Catholic, he's Pentecostal. I think relationships need to be determined less on whims and more on callings. That's how this happened with us.
In fact, I didn't want to date until college. God had other plans. ;)
This post reminds me of my old Korean church. I will never a date a guy from that church because of the language barrier and I'm not attracted to Asian-fobby guys. I've asked the church about dating too whilst I was spending my time there. This is what I've learnt:
PROS: - Both of you have the same purpose of life. If you date a non-Christian, the relationship would fail.
- It's better to marry someone from the church (so you won't have
conflicts in the future about which church to attend on Sundays).
CONS: The church doesn't encourage you to date outside the church.
- Arrange Marriage
- You have to be serious about dating the guy/girl. If you date the guy, you have to marry them.
Argh. This church scared me. X(
Is dating really that important?
Heheh, I think dating within a church is really awkward.
Even though I totally agree that Christian guys are more ideal for us than non-Christians, dating within the same church would cause pressure amongst yourself and of course, people who judge. Perhaps dating from different churches is an option?
I think if you date within a church, you should have already established yourself as an individual within the community before you even consider becoming a part of a whole (i.e. a couple).
I have two experiences:
1) I dated a guy in my fellowship, we were both relatively new to the fellowship but he had been there longer than I had. And I guess being a guy, he made friends faster than I did. So by the time I went to that fellowship he had many friends (guys and girls), whereas I only knew of some people whom I went to school with.
We ended up going out, but only for a few months. After we broke up, I realized that a lot of the people who used to talk to me when I was going out with the guy, were a lot harder to talk to now. I don't if it's because they talked to me BECAUSE I was dating him, or whatever, but basically, you need to have your own friends first, to make sure they'll still be there when/if the relationship ends.
2) I'm going out with a guy now, we're in the same church, but I think that we both had our own individual beings established into the church community before we started going out, so things are not awkward with the other people at church (i.e. we can talk to people as individuals, separate from each other, or "as the other person's SO)
in my college group, the idea of dating within has almost come to seem like a sort of incest--everyone dating each other; or more specifically, the same people dating switching partners. i think people do the within church dating thing because it's easy; you can find people with similar values all around you. However, i think that people are also afraid to look outside the box because it takes more effort; but I feel like you might find more potentially greater matches by looking for someone to date outside your circle. Sometimes i feel like people are just eagerly willing to settle within the church.
Well, at one of my bible studies it's seen as a bit of a taboo. Although I must admit that I know a few people who are in relationships--engaged as well--but they got together outside the church I believe.
Please don't take this the wrong way, but it sounds like you're pretty young and not really ready to enter a relationship right now. So if you're not really ready to enter a relationship with a person to consider marrying them, why worry about dating at all at this point? Dating for the sake of dating isn't really a good idea, IMO. There is a lot of potential to hurt others, or get hurt yourself, when you date just to date.
But yes, I have dated within my church, and it was very harmful. I made the mistake of dating someone I didn't ever see myself marrying, and he took it a lot more seriously than I did. He wanted to marry me, I couldn't imagine spending my life with this person. He ended up getting very hurt and I was the horrible b*tch that ruined his life. Many of my friends in the church were angry at me and I ended up leaving the church. When I met my now-husband, we didn't go to the same church. He is a Christian, and from the beginning of our relationship, we made it very clear to each other that we wanted to only move forward if we were compatible for marriage. Turns out, we were, and we have had a very happy dating/engagement/marriage relationship.
My advice, and you may take it with a grain of sand if you wish, don't date until you're ready to consider marriage. Save yourself and others the heartache of entering a relationship that isn't going anywhere. I wasn't ready to seriously date someone until I secured within myself my need for Christ and knowledge that He alone, not any man, makes me complete.
@IamKelleyK@xanga - Agreed.
Again, I'm against dating....someone should do an article about courtship.
@Got_Takoyaki -
"- Both of you have the same purpose of life. If you date a non-Christian, the relationship would fail."
Is that what your church taught you or your own viewpoint? I'm confused. But I'm pretty sure that a lot of couples with different religions can maintain a good relationship.
@niez_cho@xanga - My church taught me that. I listed all the dot points that my old church has taught me before.
I guess what they mean is, that if two born again Christians went out together, the relationship wouldn't fail.
meh. *shrugs* :D In my opinion, I think it depends if you get along with the person or not. haha. I think my church is sad.
Well, I have never actually dated, but here's my take on these things. Yes, dating within the church can cause A LOT of drama, but if both individuals who are involved are mature, it shouldn't be a problem. For me, it seems like the best thing to do. Where else will you find someone who shares the same beliefs as you? And, you won't have to worry about what church to attend after you get married. It solves a lot of issues. Honestly, I can't see dating anyone not from my church. I've known the guys in my church for a long time, they are wonderful friends, we share the same beliefs, and I would definitely not mind marrying one of them. Church guys are wonderful and I definitely want one for my husband someday. ;)
I agree that it's incredibly important to have the common ground of faith with anyone you seriously consider dating--that is, if your faith is truly important to you. And I would also pose the question, "Why would you date if you weren't even thinking about getting married?" Really, what's the point? Why not just plan to make as many good friends in your new fellowship as possible? Then you wouldn't be spending your weekends alone and you also wouldn't be running the risk of shattering someone's heart.
Maybe I'm an idealist, but I really believe that if it's God's plan for you to be married, then he will lead you to the right person. And if you're not ready to find that person yet, why would you start looking?
I do, and I ask and I got rejected.
I can't ever imagining dating not toward marriage. Maybe it's because I started dating late. My first dating relationship is in college and is my current relationship and is the one I aim to mature toward marriage. (In fact, my gf and I already talked about it).
I often thought, "why would I date and spend all this time and energy and resource toward someone I eventually will not want to stay together with anyways (since marriage is not the goal)?"
Soon enough, I decided I would just treat all the girls around me as sisters. My God provides all the need I have and I'm only in a dating relationship with my girlfriend right now because I see her as a precious gift from God that I need to protect and love and provide for. If I would to lose her (the relationship), it would be very difficult but I know that God will still strengthen me to go on.
Otherwise, I wouldn't be dating at all. I think it'll be appropriate to say that In every relationship, Christians should strive to give rather to receive. Therefore, to me, dating aimlessly without a goal is more of a receiving relationship than a giving one because it gives me a way out of the ultimate responsibility of caring for my partner and her future.
Hahaha I love this article. My friends and I joke that eventually we'll all marry somebody from church, because we've known them forever and we have the same beliefs. But I would just say that if you're new to the church community to just wait it out for a little while. You DO NOT want to be known as "such and such's girlfriend" and you don't want to get a bad reputation and/or just be off-limits for awhile because you picked the wrong guy to begin with. So I'd say just wait. Get super involved in ministries or events or a small group or whatever interests you and just develop yourself as a person, and establish yourself as a member of the community. Then soon enough you won't be able to keep the guys off of you, and you'll also know which one you want to date. =) Best wishes!
@niez_cho@xanga - i totally agree with u that the relationship will fail if we are to date a non christian. nevertheless, we can actually try our best to turn the guy to be a believer first b4 starting the rship.
i personally think that it would be nice dating with a person from church but we will hv to watch out the hypocrites around.
in the case that it won't work out, i think it's easier to not date a guy from your church.. but it's not like you should cross all of them off your list just cuz you share the same church community together.
Love who you will. Relationships can't be forced, and the lasting ones happen on accident.
Me? I pulled a flirt-n-convert. It was at first only interesting, but now she's even more sure of it than I am sometimes!
@claire8688@xanga - errr, actually i said the near opposite.
it's good for the couple to believe in the same religion, but not a prerequisite.