by mrs violet On my wedding night, my brother-in-law and I had a debate at the wedding table about what love is. I distinctly remember telling him that I believe that love was sometimes a choice - action in the absence of feeling. At the tender age of 21, I had begun to experience the full spectrum of love and a little of what it meant to love unconditionally. Love was not just the butterfly feelings in the belly when he looks at you, or the swelling you feel in your heart when he says something sweet, it wasn't even always the physical relationship. Sex does not always equal love any more than emotion equals commitment.
During my 15 years of married life, there have been many, many times I have had to make faith-based choices in regard to love/marriage rather than basing choices on feelings or logic. Many times, I have stayed with my husband in the absence of love simply because of my trust in God and what the Bible teaches me about love.
Please understand that I am not talking about women choosing to stay in abusive relationships or putting themselves or their children at risk or in danger out of faith. Sometimes very hard choices need to be made in these kind of circumstances. I didn't marry that kind of man anyway. I married a decent guy who has has some hiccups over the years but generally has always been a good provider and daddy to his kids. But we are as different as chalk and cheese on EVERY level and always have been.
I'm referring to when life doesn't make sense, and your feelings start to dictate your reality, and at that point choosing instead to trust God rather than your emotions. I'm talking about when you begin to fall out of love and wonder why you would remain in a loveless marriage when you no longer feel fulfilled, appreciated, treasured, cherished, cared for, respected and certainly not happy.
I have felt all of those things and many more. I've often I cried myself to sleep at night with tears out of what felt like a gorge flowing from the rawest places in my soul, places that are shrouded in a thick fog of loneliness and desperation. There have been times in my darkest hour where death tempted me and the depth and hurt of what I felt almost led me to take my own life.
And usually sometime before the dawn, there would be some glimmer of hope not in seen in my husband, nor in my own abilities, for most times I was as much to blame (if not more so), for my misery. It would be then, when I had caught the most minuscule glimmer of that hope in the faithfulness of a God who had promised to never leave me or forsake me that the Holy Spirit would begin its work.
I would read scriptures about God knowing the very number of hairs on my head, and I would reconcile myself with knowing that He then would be fully aware of every tear that I had shed. I would remember that if God knew of each tiny sparrow that fell to the ground, that God would know about the huge gaping hole that I had within my heart, because it was more Milky Way-size than sparrow.
And I would read passages like 1 Corinthians 13 and make the conscious choice to try and live that love whether I felt it or not. I began to DO love, rather than FEEL love. And eventually the times spent in darkness and despair have shortened as I have seen miracles start to happen in my relationship. As I began to make those choices, regardless of my husbands choices, over time I realized that he was slowly starting to change as well, and today I have what I believe to be a redeemed marriage.
In the disposable, take away, drive-through age that we live in, most people would consider my husband and I stark raving mad, and that we should have ended our things a long time ago.
I have watched marriages fail around me, that started under healthier more loving circumstances than ours did. I have seen Christians marry for "love" as we perceive it to be, only to fail after a few short years; yet here we are 15 years later, much more deeply in love than we ever knew we would be or could be when we first made that commitment to each other in our youth. A testimony to the work of a loving God who cares intimately about us in every way.
Have their been times in your life where you've had to love actively even when you didn't feel in love?
Comments (47)
"Sex does not always equal love any more than emotion equals commitment." So, why does the institution of marriage and society demand that people be Monogamous? Men are wired to reproduce with many partners and they are finding that women have very similar sex drives, but society still promotes the life-long (into the 80's age bracketts) couple of monogamy where often one or both partners cheat? Marriage is necessary for a stable environment for raising children and functioning in a modern culture, but perhaps we should re-evaluate sex within and outside the marriage.
And don't tell me the bible strictly forbids adultury, when we all know that it only applies to women. King Solomon had around 700 concubines and several wives. Who was fulfilling the women's sexual needs? It certainly could not have been him.
I go to a bible study on weds...and this is almost exactly like a story that one of the ladies told the group. She began to do love instead of feel it..and now feels it more than before.
@SandraDeeDees@xanga - King solomon was in the old testament. They all had many wives. Jesus came and changed it up.
"SandraDeeDees" -
You seem to be lumping some people's sexual weaknesses with everyone else's. Granted, some human beings struggle being commited to just one person, and maybe that's something they've chosen not to deal with. I don't see a need to reevaulate sex within and outside of relationships. The simple answer is that if an individual is that sexually weak, then they probably shouldn't marry.
Relationships take time and work. Happiness was never promised. It comes in intervals and requires alot of effort on both partner's ends. I think this was a good post, though. :)
i'm kinda there now...
No. I don't believe in the kind of love you described. I'm still young, but I've been (unfortunately) around the block quite a few times. I will not settle on what you have with your husband.
Love should ring true in your soul, not cloud your sunlight. That's wrong and unhealthy. Practical love is no love at all. I would never interpret 1 Corinthians that way. You cannot force those things to happen--you can't live it if you don't feel it.
I totally agree. Love isn't only about feelings. Obviously, feelings are preferable and should exist at some point, but they aren't always there and life isn't easy. I'm lucky enough to have understood that at the young age of 17. (Thank goodness for good youth ministers!) People look at the guy I'm dating and I and they think it's all a piece of cake and we always feel "in love". Truth is, we've struggled many times in very rough ways. But we've both got faith and are listening to God's calling in our lives.
Excellent post!
I can relate with this post 100%. I am married 18 years and with my husband 22... Thank you for your honesty and sharing from your heart. Blessings to you!
@Fairywife@xanga - Right, except that the OT is still incorporated as part of the bible and Christians refer to both the OT and NT. If it isn't valid anymore and Christ changed it up, why is it still referenced and revered? Doesn't it bother anyone that the bible has not changed--especially the OT and that so many stories were omitted in the process of compilation? If a group of church leaders could assemble and write and create the bible, then why can't church leaders assemble today and make valid changes?
During Christ's time period people lived a max of 30 years. It is ridiculous to believe that humans who now reach into their 80's and 90's remain sexually loyal to one person for an infinite amount of time. Jealousy and violence are still occuring in and around marriages and divorces and infidility are at an extremely high rate--especially among the devoutly religious. Yet, we still force the institution on people.
The bible and the idea of marriage need revision and improvement.
@Celtic_haven@xanga - The idea of marriage requiring so much effort and commitment--sounds like imprisonment not bliss. If it is so hard and takes so much determination and so many people fail at it, maybe its time to re-evaluate. IMO.
Maybe a life pair-bond would be more successful with more freedom. I'm just postulating out loud, but infidility and promiscuity are facts of the human animal and occur in all cultures across the world. Maybe sexual freedom isn't such a bad thing and maybe it can actually improve our relationships. Marriage is a religious institution and had its merits when life was hard and fast. But now the hard and fast rules seem out of sink with longevity, hormones, human nature and modern life.
It is a moral and religious question that maybe I feel more freedom to broach because of my freedom from indoctrination.
@irishgrrl690@xanga - .... you said...:"I will not settle on what you have with your husband."
HAD with my husband, these days it is quite a different story, it has been well and truly worth the wait.
If you find it without the struggle, then I wish you every blessing.
x
@SandraDeeDees@xanga - I am not quite sure where this is coming from, but here is a couple of thoughts;
A. Just because something is in the bible (ie Solomon having lots of wives) does not mean it is a positive illustration of how a Christian should behave, nor does it mean that was the way God intended it too work.
B. In Genesis 2 it says;
18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
If the God of all the universe created a woman suitable as a helper for the man then surely she should be enough?
C. Genesis 2 also says, 24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.
It does not say here wives, but rather the singular wife.
Of course this opinion only makes sense if one believes in the validity of the scriptures.
x
@Rosie1268@xanga - @itsaverb@xanga - @Fairywife@xanga - thanks for the encouragement ladies. Many blessings.
@leadworshipper82 -
"There have been times in my darkest hour where death tempted me and the
depth and hurt of what I felt almost led me to take my own life."
Your concept of love is absurd and unhealthy if this is the way you're thinking. Flagellation to this extent will NOT bring you any closer to God and staying in a marriage where you feel temped to take your own life was a mistake in and of itself.
"I began to DO love, rather than FEEL love."
Your post makes it sound like you are incapable of doing both. I am POSITIVE that love is far from just one or the other. Without feeling and doing love, what you have are empty shells you are trying to fill.
When you just feel love, your love goes nowhere. It's a selfish feeling, and you've contained it for the sole sake of having that love. When you just DO love, you just go through the motions like a zombie, hollow and emotionless. Without both feeling and doing, you do not have a love that will go anywhere or mean anything.
You are about thirty six years old.
"I have watched marriages fail around me, that started under healthier more loving circumstances than ours did."
You qualify that statement with explanations of "perceived" love. This last paragraph shows that your perceptions of love are no more correct than theirs. You state that you are "much more deeply in love than we ever knew we would be or could be when
we first made that commitment to each other in our youth." and also reveal your own misinterpretations. I understand that love fluctuates, but if you were too swept up in your moment of marriage to disregard this fact, and were so infatuated beforehand to recognize this, then you married for all the wrong reasons.
You used God and your faith to cover up what really was a misinterpretation of love.
@mrsviolet - As glad as I am that everything is fine now, I don't think it's worth staying in a relationship that makes you suicidal--to me, that's almost as bad as staying one that involved abuse. Maybe it's just your description. You make it sound so routine and dry and while I understand that maturity comes with sacrifice and that you can't always be a newlywed... well, I just don't think I could be in your shoes. Once that intrinsic connection is lost, so would be marriage.
I'm a passionate artist type, and I seem to interpret love (biblical or otherwise) significantly differently than yours. My parents struggled with their marriage over some very serious problems and in the end, they both stayed together not out of duty, but because they knew that you had to feel AND do love. When one isn't there, you can't properly do the other.
Every divorce and unhappy marriage that I've seen has been because there has been a falling out between the doing and the loving. Where they can't work together they don't work at all. Any "love" that survives that has to come out a bit dimmer and worn.
I'm re-reading your entry and I guess I might sort of understand. It's just a distant, archaic thing to me. My mother went through a similar place with my dad, I suppose. But I think that if he mental health had gotten that poor, she would have evacuated. I guess that dedication to your marriage is what bothers me. That sort of self-sacrifice wouldn't ever be worth it to me.
I also believe some struggle is necessary to really validate the journey together, but--again--your struggles seem too much. You validate your happiness now on the struggles ALONE, I see. I thing that's almost exactly how I would go about it. It's the joy that makes love--not the sacrifice.
I admire you for having the courage to be so transparent in telling this story but this still makes me not want to get married (I don't want to be responsible for anyone else's happiness). You seem to be doing a better job than most women because many would drop their man like a bad habit if things weren't working out (2/3 of divorces are initiated by women).
@lepton@xanga - Do not get married until you understand that happiness with another is different than happiness because of another.
@godofthelost@xanga - Yeah, but while that is easy to understand on paper, it's extremely difficult to flesh out, especially in a culture where the significant other is seen as bringing about a kind of earthly Paradise.
@lepton@xanga - It's that exact reason, the fact that it's harder to comprehend in everyday living, that ANYONE, not just you, should wait!
@lepton@xanga - I think one of the most important lessons I have learned it all is that, my husband is NOT responsible for my happiness, happiness is a place that comes from within us, and while people can contribute to our overall happiness, they are not responsible for it.
@godofthelost@xanga - you are quite the arm chair psychiatrist aren't you?
@irishgrrl690@xanga - philosophize till the cows come home, but the truth remains.... 15 years, 5 children on, we are living our dreams on a day by day basis- together, in love. You may not want it, and I pray you never have to walk it, but the proof is in the pudding despite how badly I have communicated it.
@mrsviolet - What other kinds of psychiatrists are there? Alas, I'm not the one who was stuck in a marriage that almost drove me to suicide.
@godofthelost@xanga - nor am I
@mrsviolet - Wow, MrsViolet, I am INCREDIBLY impressed with how you handled this blog and how you handled your responses to some demeaning comments. Seriously, I can honestly say that I don't see many Christians loving people back in action AS WELL AS in words. Its so easy to say "Oh yeah I love people back even when they are demeaning me", but you have done so. I don't know you in person, but I see a lot of Jesus in you. Thats one of the biggest reasons I love Him so much, He just loves us. We way more often are hateful or selfish towards Him, but He ALWAYS loves us. :) I believe loving someone, especially when "they don't deserve it", really melts the heart. I know it melts my heart towards God when I am mad at Him and He just keeps on loving me. It brings me to my knees in thanks and in repentance. I don't usually read this xanga because I usually just see bickering, but it is a breath of fresh air to see how much God has blessed you for your obedience, and how graciously you have conducted yourself. God bless you, your husband, and your children in a big way! And thank you for being an encouragement to a single 24 year old like me! :) Also, I'd love to converse with you more if you'd like to!
~Mandy
***Hugs MrsViolet***
I know you personally, so I understood your post very well (AND I agree with you that love is not always about feelings. It's more of a verb than a feeling). Don't be disheartened! God's with you and your hubby.
Love ya, MrsViolet.
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