Monday, November 03, 2008
-
What's the Point of Small Groups?
My church is really big on small group communities. It is absolutely the lifeline of our church and where we, as imitators of Christ, grow and learn the most within the church. I get the idea, and am completely on-board with it. I realize that since people aren't perfect, small groups won't be either, but I believe in them and am committed to the group I am in right now.
My friend, on the other hand, is having a hard time following this vision within our church. She's been with my small group longer than I have, but she still does not consider many of us friends, only acquaintances. In addition, she was recently very hurt by one of the small group members when he broke a promise to help her with something very important. In the bigger scheme of things, she knows that this incident is not such a big deal, but she is still dealing with her hurt and unable to trust him (and by association, his wife) again.
I don't blame her for feeling the way she feels, but I am concerned because after this incident, she's mentally and emotionally checked out of our group. Fortunately, she still feels she can trust me, and has often expressed her true disappointment with the group. Her question of late has been, "What's the point of small groups if we're only going to support each other on the day that we meet and never during the rest of the week?"
I know she has a servant's heart and wants to know and love God more. But she's hurt by this incident, and overall has not felt very accepted or supported by the group. I think her question is very valid, but I don't know how to answer it. What really gets to me is that I think this is exactly the reason many people turn away from the church and God. It seems that people's issues with Christianity are less about theology and practice, than they are simply about acceptance and community.
So tell me, how would you respond to her question or address her situation?
-
recommend
- recs 4
- give stars
- votes 6
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to revelife's Revelife Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in revelife's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (25)
well, small groups technically, if they follow through, should help an individual grow independently and dependently on one another. It's where fellowship is.
When i was in high school, i came to an equal conclusion similarly to your friend's perspective. That sg's were useless and most people just used them for hang out spots.
however, many years later into college, i found that sg's were a great place for where people going through similar experiences could get together and connect. Not just on a social level but a deeper and more meaningful relationship. They would be accountability partners, great listeners, and all in all, a very caring group.
It really depends, but there's a lot to say about it.
Small groups tickle me in a way, because once upon a time, people talked against church "cliques". And that is basically what the small groups are!
I love them for their warmth, and for how it gives me someone to call in the time of most need. This is how I can find faces that care when I am hurting, or wisdom when I feel stumped, as well as fellowship that can heal the hurts I sustain in my walk during the week. This is the family experience that will bless me most, and draw me strongly to a church home.
With your particular case, I would go to the small group leader and see what they are going to do to help this woman and her offender make amends and heal so that they can feel warm and trustworthy once again. Just like we should do with our family members. This is healthy "relationship" at it's best - where we mend our fences, and learn how to respect each other. If the leader is not able to help, then a Pastor should be brought in.
This is a key issue, and should be addressed, not swept aside as if it doesn't matter. Her hurt does matter, and everyone in the small group should care. They are all certainly seeing how important their hurts will be considered in her example....and seeing where they won't matter - just like she doesn't.
She has a very good point. Small groups are there for accountability and support purposes that are supposed to go beyond that once a week meeting. But that's the ideal situation, and we aren't perfect. As much as that is the intended purpose and the ideal one, us sinners just don't follow through most of the time. It requires more joint effort. Perhaps she could head that off if she feels called to do so. Initiate more joint activities or start like a prayer thing that doesn't just happen that night, but last throughout the week. Keep track of prayer requests and email them out so the members have them on hand. Then follow up on those prayer requests the following week. Something along those lines. Hope this helps!
All of my closest friends in church always came from my small groups. I didn't hang out with everyone, all the time, but I definitely felt like part of the group. However I have a friend who recently quit going to the same church because a girl at church asked her if she was new and they had been going to the same small group (not mine) for over a year together. This really hurt her feelings. I would say that this may be a problem within the actual group. Is it possible that they don't know how this girl feels and perhaps need to be confronted on these issues. There is also the chance that her best buddy isn't in your group. In other words, it is not the small group for her.
As for my friend from earlier. Anytime she came up in a conversation (meaning I brought it up), I also mentioned how she felt disconnected from the church and like she had no friends. As a result, people have been calling her and she is now in another small group. I think some people do not realize what they are doing until someone tells them.
Small groups are vital because how else do you get to know people. Especially if you belong to a church of at least 150 or more. They are imperative for building relationships and hopefully friendships. Of course they have to function properly to work in that capacity.
I want to comment on this post... but the coffee shop is closing in a few minutes. But I added a "recommend", so hopefully I will remember to come back add my two cents. I think this is a very good and thought-provoking post though, and appreciate that you took the time to see that there was an issue in the church body that needs to be addressed.
This is such a foreign idea to me. We don't have small groups in our church because it already is a small group.
The point of the church is to reach the lost and encourage and uplift the saved. Small groups are another way to do that if your church is very large. Small groups have their place, but we shouldn't lose sight of the mission of the Church. We are to hold accountable all our brothers and sisters.
Has this gal actually spoken to the person who let her down? Perhaps there needs to be reconciliation and forgiveness, so that she can put this behind her and go on with the group as before.
i have your frends point of view on small groups...when the people in them don't practice what they discuss in small group... it makes one wonder why we have them.
we haven't ever connected with a small group because the group decided that they were formed & perfect before we joined the church.
so, i guess that ties into the "cliques" theory posted above.
church ought to be about community...but when people decide their community cannot be added or subtracted from...then we all lose.
Her question of late has been, "What's the point of small groups if
we're only going to support each other on the day that we meet and
never during the rest of the week?"
I've noticed that many times when someone accuses someone else, they are guilty of the same thing. Does this person support the other people in the group during the week?
I think the small group is a wonderful idea. However, humans are human and we tend to muck up a LOT of wonderful ideas. So, I would say that it's okay to confront the person who hurt / disappointed her. Then go from there. My small group was like my family. Just because you have a disagreement. Or you hurt / disappoint someone in your family you don't just give up the whole commitment......if you're committed. My husband and I go to a different church now, but we still keep in touch with most of the people from the small group(s) we were involved in. But it's a 2 way street, and if one of those people hurt me, I would tell them. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose and it could help them grow and remember what they did wrong for the next time the situation comes up. We're all growing in Christ together. That includes forgiveness and understanding.
small groups are shaped by the people in them, for better or for worse. maybe she just needs to find a small group of her own, or start another one. but make sure that people keep their intentions in check. if it's just something to do or some where to go, then it's bound to follow the ebb and flow of just any other social clique out there. if it's stronger in the roots that the basis of the small group is to find a deeper understanding of Christ, and to grow within the Faith using a more intimate setting than the church, then there's a better chance that people would come away spiritually-fed. unfortunately, people see small groups as another social networking tool. there's really nothing wrong with that, but that kinda defeats the purpose. just because we're supposed to grow together doesn't mean we get to use small groups as a crutch. it's just another way for us to mature as Christians, not the only way. that's just how i feel.
I have known people who's only condition to me being their friend was that I did something for them. Never crossed them and agreed with everything they said. This kind of person usually is very insecure.
"....But she's hurt by this incident, and overall has not felt very accepted or supported by the group...."
I did like to give more comment, but there are some main things on the articles that I still unclear of.
What's the incident about? (helping on what, what is the promise) What is his relation with your friend?
She feel the group is not accepting and supporting "her".....not accepting and supporting her on the "incident" ?
"...What's the point of small groups if we're only going to support each
other on the day that we meet and never during the rest of the week?..."
sigh~
@IMChurchmouse@xanga - "...people talked against church "cliques"...."
sigh~~
@Ezekiel36_33to36@xanga - I think sth i need to rush to do too....but I so wanted to write more.
esp regarding the 'sigh~~'
I will come back!
It helps build a stronger and more trustworthy gossiping circle.
one question, group or fellowship, u mean?
@elittlebear@xanga -
"....people talked against church 'cliques'...."
"...What's the point of small groups if we're only going to support each other on the day that we meet and never during the rest of the week?..."
and worst sometimes poeple don't even realize there is such problem, or it's like some new disease from outer space to them. I don't 100% know what happened to your friend, but I do understand her feeling.
It's not like they just sit and wait for gold to drop from the sky...
....I've seen some who tried to included themselves, but the group have not reaction about it....
Caring is by using your heart, not just a subject in discussion group, or fellowing the 'instruction manual'.
small groups for me have been the biggest help. they keep me accountable and it's understandable that she doesn't think much of it if maybe the group isn't helping her grow in her faith. I think if she's been with the group for a long period of time and still isn't "clicking" with them, try finding another group. you have to make sure there's trust in the group. it should be a group of people that you can talk to easily and on a similar level of spiritual maturity so that they can help pull you up. we can't get through everything in life on our own..
I love small groups..at least i did when i was in youth they were awsome we always said "wahts said in the circle stays in the circle" peole you could really count on to pray,encourage & lift you up. i like the idea of how we can fellowship w/one another & help each other grow n our walks in Christ. My youth pastors always have said that "as we grow bigger we have to get smaller" that small groups ( we call them xl groups) are the keys to our growth as a ministry so that we can be on unified as we reach ,teach,&train for Jesus.
our motto is : Elevate exists to make it hard for teens & young adults in the tri-cities to go to hell.
in order to do that we need small groups
I think I can understand how she feels, I was in that small group myself, and someone betray my trust and now I just can't trust any one of them anymore, in fact, I have left that group.
Those small groups are often cliques and my experience has been that most people are there for the social aspect. I would not consider a SG personal friends, only acquaintances.
@nicolevw@xanga - @elittlebear@xanga - just to give a little more background: her friend promised to review her business school application essay. actually, he promised twice and forgot/put it aside twice without letting her know. she had a deadline to meet so she was waiting on him to get back to her. in the bigger picture, she absolutely realizes this isn't life or death. other ppl reviewed her essay and she submitted it on time. but she's not one to ask for help easily and she respects this friend very much as someone who is generally responsible and supportive.
when he uncharacteristically broke his promise twice, and didn't bother to tell her about it, she couldn't help but feel that it was simply b/c he didn't care enough about her as a friend, and i think THAT'S what hurt her the most.
she's confronted him about it, but i don't think she's forgiven him yet. when she does though, i told her it's ok to not trust him right away b/c trust needs to be rebuilt. however, she thinks that if she can't trust him, then why bother coming to small group and sharing prayer requests when she doesn't believe he and his wife will pray for her.
i'd say the one thing i have a problem with is that she is projecting her anger at him to the rest of the group. she's justified in feeling unsupported in general (she's kind of a workaholic and a lot of ppl in the group give her a hard time about it), but she's assuming that everyone in the group is not trustworthy or caring.
it's a weird situation b/c she's not wrong about her feelings, yet i feel like she has to give her feelings over to God and keep trying with the group.. even if only for her own benefit. there are some other factors involved, but that's for another day :)
thx everyone for your input!
Gosh, my heart breaks for your friend. I know how she feels and it is something I often struggle with too. In a perfect world; small groups should provide what a family would provide in all circumstances but we do not live in a perfect world. One thing I have to remember is why I am involved in a small group and what my responsibility is before God as a participant in a small group. Like family, we will have relational issues.
Question is: Do we ignore them like we would in our dysfunctional family or do we follow up with a biblical answer of Matthew 18:15-16.
“If another believer sins against you,go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed two or three witnesses.
Even if it is not a sin; we must relate. Small groups are about doing life together and it all begins for relational purposes. That is living out God's word in action not just knowing but doing.
With all that said; it begins with me demonstrating through my actions and when it is not done for me, I need to speak up and say, I am hurt and this is why to the people in my group directly. This way no obstacles will get in the way of what God is really trying to do and that is making small groups into biblical strong, healthy families.
@Rosie1268@xanga - You are so right about the question.
Support groups like small groups are only as good as the effort you put into it. I hate to ask, but does she call others randomly to see how they are doing and just to say they have her support and she is praying for them?
The small groups in my church that's what we do. We do call each otehr and see how we're doing. THe leader of the ladies group sends out a card to anyone she happens to be thinking of. I send little letters to people in my church since my support group hasn't taken off yet.
So here is a question within a post...how do I get more people interested in a cancer support group: a group for anyone dealing with cancer...newly diagnosed to survivor to even friends and family. I have been doing it for a year and only 1 person has come. Other churches aren't really supporting us...any ideas?
what is the name of the church do you and your friends attend to?
if she has felt this way for a while, maybe she needs to join a different group; one that would be more concerned with being more than once-a-week-friends (besides yourself). when people let you down, you may forgive, and try to forget, but we're all human, and most people take a long time to get over anything. sometimes a change of social scenery is more helpful than anything else.